Sunday, April 14, 2013

This is the truth


Yesterday I had the good fortune to listen to a recording of this poem,
The story is about honesty and heroes
and I am forced as a result to stand up
and be one again.
Excuses or reasons aside
I have taken to hiding and being weak.
This poem reminded me of who I am.
 
 
 
~
 
 
This is it the end of this long winding road

this is where you stand alone with the truth.

This is when you stop telling yourself and everyone else

that you are fine and happy and ok.

This is the culmination of days

days on end that have now turned into weeks.

Weeks, I’m sad to say are now being called months

and at months I can stop and count to two.

Somewhere in your mind you find it romantic

that notion of the tortured artist being a drunk.

A bottle beside a typewriter, a haggard weary face

but the truth in this is all it is, is sad.

Last night I finally I saw myself in that mirror

as at 4 am I lay here weeping alone.

This has to stop sometime and sometime has to be now

I caught hold of a life line yesterday.

There was a story that I heard about truth

about heroes and I remembered I used to be one.

Once upon a time a long time ago

I stood up to my fears and threw them all in the sea.

Clean and pure and naked I faced the world

and fourteen years later I’ve fallen down again.

This time it’s in a bottle that I’m drowning

but everything about it feels the same.

The helplessness, the shame, the self-hatred

the pain now multiplied is even worse.

Last night I wrote a letter to you and I was begging

to understand why you left me here.

I’m still trying so hard to understand what happened

thank god I had sense enough at the end to hit delete.

It all comes together in this moment

in the need, in the loss, in the complete disappearance of me.

The fact that I have taken myself once again back to this place

is the answer to the questions I keep needing from you.

I am lost, I am spinning, I am spiraling

but today I need to just stop and let myself bleed.

Let it flow until it has run its course

and then empty and dry take a single step.

Feel it all and yes, it’s going to hurt

but in truth stand there and let myself be pure.

I feel polluted and ugly and sadly hidden away

in darkness and I’m screaming for the light.

I am the only one who can turn it on because I turned it off

and it’s time I took responsibility for that.

There have been signs hovering around me now for some time

a tiny green eyed angel has been flying by.

But I have taken to feeding off of her voice

needing more than she could ever give.

So I balance out the rest of the feelings with liquor

and the warmth I feel as that first sip runs through my veins.

It’s only ever the first one that feels so good

the rest of the time it’s just filling up the numb.

So stop lying to yourself and to everyone else

keep the angels and the poets as your gifts.

Let them be the stones you put into your pockets

that you touch when you are scared and all alone.

Be brave and strong, be something you can be proud of

be who you were all those years ago.

Be something, be anything, just don’t continue being this

this is your coffin lying in the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

11 comments:

  1. WOW! I am left speechless...this is bleeding, this is raw, this is so much truth, and so much evidence of the power of the light you have. You ARE hero...and you know you can turn it on again. You've more than proven that. So very humbled by this. The gift, I believe is what you have given to me. If we can remember to keep giving, even on our darkest of days...it will always come back to us...sometimes in the most magical and beautiful ways. This is just one example of that! <3

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    1. thank you, obviously, in many, many ways

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  2. Thank you for the honest and heart warming write ~ I hope you are able to take that step into embracing yourself, even alone and loving that person, good and bad ~ Wishing you a happy week ~

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  3. I hope that you recognize that this poem has strength in its honesty and openness. Very powerful writing. It seems you are at the point where you are facing yourself in the mirror & at the point of making changes. I commend you for this & wish you success on your journey!

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  4. Congratulations on your courage and honesty. Poetry can be a way of self-healing.

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  5. Love the honesty in facing one's demons and making the resolution to be one's own hero. This is a remarkable poem!

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  6. A riveting and honest expression from the soul. It takes enormous courage to face one's demons - the hardest thing we ever face in life is ourselves - and you are doing that with strength, clarity and the hope of better days. I applaud you. Keep writing and keep doing "the next right thing".

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  7. It seems that you worked hard at unearthing the emotions and the images they brought to life. Too many don't see the coffin staring them in the face... and the necessary affirmations that keep you out of it.

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  8. It isn't going to be simple or easy. You will want to quit a gazillion times a day (I have an addiction I am trying to quit). But, if you have the courage to write this, and then post it, you can do this thing you need to do. And above all else, keep writing, you can and will do it.

    Elizabeth
    http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/after-breaking/

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  9. Andrea, yes I did read Natasha's poem. I didn't listen to it, but I READ it. Blessings to you.

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