Wednesday, September 26, 2012


This is a repost of a piece from Nov 9 2011. I was trying to edit it and could not get it to repost in the same place.
Made of sand, made of stone,
made of broken pieces of jagged bone.
Sometimes I am broken and bruised
and sometimes I am raw.
There have been healings and saving
and heaven on earth.
There are times I have been
stronger than this.
Paths that lead us forward
through the moments of life defined.
Roads that are littered with remnants of our past
that simply lie in wait.
There are ghosts out there on nights like this
whispers in the dark.
Sounds that drift like smoke in the air
things I can’t un-hear.
As the echo of my footsteps keep pace
with the pounding in my chest.
I move through doorways that were left wide open
and the shutters with the broken latch.
The memories are knocking on walls
the voices are singing their songs.
A cacophony of discordant souls
that are wailing in unison.
I can hear them although their language
is masked in a voice not their own.
Intrepid, undaunted, they feign sanity and peace
when the darkness has settled on them.
I walk along beside them
listening to their ancient song.
Rapt in the rhythm as it sinks beneath my skin
and the words tangle up in my mind.

Saturday, September 22, 2012


I never wanted to do this thing alone

I never wanted any of this for me.

I’d given up long before you came along

and only with you did I want to live again.

That was the mistake that we both made

we both knew the shape that I was in.

But you, as always, needed to be needed

and need you was definitely what I did.

I needed you so much that I let you betray my trust

I let you take me for granted and let you come home.

I let you do it a second time and this time you didn’t come back

and I wasn’t strong enough to leave you first.

Things are different now and I’ve grown that hardened shell

that wall that will prevent this ever happening again.

I’ve learned what I am made of and all of it is me

although I still don’t want this I can act as if I do.

Maybe after time I will believe it

“fake it ‘til you make it” and act “as if”.

Maybe from the outside things look like all is well

but inside is still a broken bloody mess.

It’s fine it doesn’t matter now as I venture off again

in search of whatever comes my way.

I can’t think of anything that I really want from this

other than just to get away from here.

Away from you and her and the chance that I might have to see

the two of you together, I’ve seen enough.

This really is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made

there is nothing left of the life that we once shared.

So onward I go and leave you here  in this place

my ring in the river and here it will always be.

The fairy tale I dreamed of, the dream that never came true,

the heart that broke and never really healed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Worth the risk

Inspired by a conversation with a friend. For EB.
These are the rewards of digging in
to the things that don’t always look good.
To the damaged and blistered and sometimes rotting
broken parts of yourself.
 These are the moments that matter
when you have done all the work you have done.
When you shine like a beacon and inspire hope
in someone at the start of the road.
Tonight I heard a story
from the lips of a very dear friend.
A simple telling of things transpired
that carried the weight of the world.
With a slightly hysterical running commentary
telling both sides of the tale.
You let down the walls around yourself
and stood very boldly revealed.
We have a lot in common, you and I
and I’m so impressed at how far you have come.
You give me reason to believe that the road that I’m on
will yield such rewards for me.
In moments of desperate clinging
to hold on tightly to yourself.
You are daring to take chances 
and open yourself to hope.
I am still far too broken
to believe in any such thing.
To the point that I have retreated
into this solitary world of my own.
I watch you and smile and feel a slight rush of joy
and some sort of soothing calm.
As I walk back into the safety of my world
and to the work I still need to do.
Feeling very inspired and though I’d never admit it
seeing a glimmer of hope.
Someday and somehow I’ll believe again
that there is something worth taking a risk for.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Getting Stronger

Today, it’s cardio day

but I’m trying to wake up first.

Let myself take in the feelings

of this slightly cloudy day.

I woke up sad and mournful

as I do so many days.

But I won’t let it take me

down that road again.

I’ve come so far

running down that trail.

Or that treadmill, or bike,

or walking up those stairs.

Those endless stairs

that come from and go to nowhere.

But some days I feel like they’ll

take me away from here.

I’ve walked and biked

and run off 55 lbs.

Sometimes it feels

like I’ve lost the weight of the world.

Today when I walk those stairs I’ll be imagining

 the new brand new life about to start for me.

In a few weeks I’ll be running next to the ocean

and be seeing things I’ve never seen before.

The only thing that will remain the same

is the way I look down at my shoes when I run.

I watch for balance and keeping an even stride

and listen to my breath to keep an even pace.

I’ve been walking and running

 and building strength for months now.

Preparing for the next phase

and the beginning of my life.

Completely alone and staring all over again

I am strong and able and ready for the fight.

The adventure will be the journey of a lifetime

challenging everything I believe about me.

I am sure of only one thing as I step out on the road

this is the only way I will ever know who I am.
The start of the trail where I run


Friday, September 7, 2012

Somewhere afterward


The pain isn’t gone it’s only just receded

into a slightly less invasive shade of numb.

The edges are softer, not quite as sharp as they were

most days, at least, most of that is true.

The quiet is louder now than ever before

and I can hear things I never wish I knew.

The accepting of the fact that I am just a dreamer

and that you never really loved me is ever clear.

I wished for so long and now I remember those feelings

wished that you loved me like you always said you did.

But it never translated into how I needed to feel

after the first few weeks, I never felt it again.

That’s what I was chasing all along

but could never really put it into words.

The empty grew until it was all that I was

I just didn’t realize how small it made me feel.

I tried to fill the empty from the outside

with food and drink and work and whatever else.

But all I ever wanted was the feeling that you loved me

even half as much as I knew that I loved you.

It turned me bitter towards you after time

after I gave and gave you everything I had.

It was all about you and for you and what you wanted

I always thought I was going to get my chance.

My chance never came and now I’m alone

while just across town you walked into another life.

When I think about what you did I don’t ever want to feel again

it’s all I can do to put those things down on this page.

The walls will stay high forever going forward

I’ll never give myself away again.

Never give anyone the power to take everything away

without my wants or needs meaning anything.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Things just keep moving don’t they

nothing affects change.

Nothing stops the spinning world

or the moving forward of time.

I can’t believe that this is still real

and that nine months have passed.

Now my life is starting again

but not without thoughts of you.

I believed for so long that you loved me

and had just made that mistake.

That you would return with apologies

and take me back into you.

The truth is I was never there from the start

not the way you were in me.

You don’t love the way I do

you are selfish and just running blind.

I’m accepting now the reality

of how wrong I truly was.

It’s sobering, really, what blind faith can do

and how it takes away all that you are.

I hope that one day you will see

the things that I saw in you.

Instead of the things that you won’t admit

and take responsibility for.

I’ll miss you in my new life

as I miss you now every day.

But I deserve better and will let this all go

I will not miss you anymore someday...