Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Today you were stronger than fear

today you were stronger than pain.

Today you fought demons head on

today you laid down your arms.

Today seemed like it would simply be too much

more than you and all that you’ve become.

Today you were afraid and you were alone

and today you kept counsel for yourself.

Tonight you get to challenge yourself again

because you were strong enough today.

Although you took shelter from the brightness of the sun

you are safe and sound and stronger once again.

Today you can be proud of who you are

and take comfort in who you will soon become.

Today you simply listened to all that needed to be heard

and you can tell the story proudly to yourself.

You are more than this, more than what has come to pass

more than what the cards have dealt to you.

It’s time for you to wager all you’re holding in your hand

no one will know if you’re bluffing, except you.


Beginning Again

I’ve never felt this kind of fear before,

as I stand at the beginning fully and truly alone.

The changes that have taken place, the work that has begun

will now be called upon to state their names.

My life changed some months ago

my world turned upside down.

A future built and worked for

was cast into the sea.

Everything crumbled, including me

as I tried to survive the change.

And from the bottom I crawled

until I could stand again.

Decisions were laid out before me

that were based solely and purely on me.

And for the first time in my life

I chose for myself.

I chose the path less taken

by most, including me.

I chose what will certainly be

the more difficult road.

I’ve been working and planning

and dreaming of this day.

Now today it is here

and I am filled with so many things.

I am terrified of the challenges that lay ahead

fearful that I may not have what it takes.

I am filled with sadness at closing this chapter of life

and mourning the fact that I am doing this alone.

I am all I truly have

and I have learned that truth this year.

I have crawled and scratched

and scraped my way back to life.

From a place where I didn’t care anymore

where I just wanted to disappear.

To a place where I am being rewarded

for the work that I have done.

Still I can’t help but be thoughtful today

as I begin the planning of yet another change.

Packing up and starting again with only myself

and trying not to be afraid of what will come.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The heart never learns...

I’ve tried everything I know how to do

to get me through this pain.

Rationalizing, facing the truth,

reading the books and writing the words.

I’ve tried blaming you and hating you

and focusing solely on the hurt.

I have immersed myself with images

of you and your new life.

I’ve tried drowning myself in a bottle

cut lines across my skin.

Yet nothing will take away this pain

I am still reeling in this ache.

I can’t forget how much I loved you

and how that made me feel.

The laughter, the comfort, the safety

of knowing you were here.

It hits me like a brick wall

like something physically striking me, still.

When I wake up from the peace of sleep

and realize that this is still real.

I want to run, I want to hide,

 I want to disappear.

But I’m still here alone with me

and still broken from you being gone.

Even knowing all the things

you did to me that were wrong.

The lying, the cheating, the betrayal of trust

my heart still wants you to come home.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Rebuilding what I lost

Rebuilding, rethinking, reshaping

a life that was already formed.

A life that was built out of love and desire

a life that no longer exists.

I’ve never been more alone,

more lost, more broken down.

I’ve never tried harder

to pretend that I’m ok.

Fake it ‘til you make it

create the illusion that you are well.

Make it look from the outside

the way you want the inside to feel.

I can’t remember anything now

from the life that we once lived.

I can only hold on to the way I was hurt

so I don’t miss you every day.

I still can’t believe that this happened

can’t believe that you didn’t love me.

But the truth is you didn’t and I accepted less

when that’s all you ever gave.

The day that I let you take me for granted

changed forever, the shape of our life.

It changed you, it changed me, and it set the tone

for what ultimately tore us apart.

Why did I take you back

after you turned to someone else?

Without question, without hesitation,

because you said you had made a mistake.

The mistake was mine because you knew

 that was the one thing that mattered to me.

But in the face of standing up for me

I folded and gave myself away.

I know now that it changed what I thought of myself

and clearly what you thought of me.

You broke everything in me that believed in you

and we were never the same again.

In spite of it all, I surrendered

I loved you with all that I had.

In spite of me, you did it again

and walked away with all that I lost.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Who I Am

I have never been very good

at putting myself on display.

Exposing weakness or standing in front

of someone who may see me fall.

With you it was the same status quo

as you unfolded your tale.

Of how no one ever took care of you

and you had to do everything.

We created in me the idea

that I had to be all those things for you.

To pick you up and carry you

whenever you fell down.

In that, the space where I could fall

was taken from my grasp.

The place where I could ‘try myself on’

never did exist.

With things like trust and deception

being shaken at their core.

The feeling of safety was taken as well

and it really never returned.

So now on my own I am trying to learn

how to step out of that shell.

To take chances and risks and put myself in places

where someone might see who I am.

Maybe I am not strong enough

to keep up with the crowd.

Maybe my pace will still get me there

and it won’t look like I failed.

Maybe no one will judge me

the way I have always felt judged.

By you, but really, mostly be me

I’ve never felt good enough.

For such a long time I tried to be

what you said you needed from me.

What I never said was what I needed from you

they were the things that I gave away.

I needed you to love me

whether I was weak or strong.

Whether I got back up when I fell down

or stayed there until I could.

I needed you to believe in me

and I never felt like you did.

When I stopped standing up for what mattered to me

I stopped believing in myself.

We were such a bad match from the very start

and I wish I hadn’t loved you so much.

So I could have stood up all the times that I should have

but I loved you more than I loved me.

So I come away now to this place on my own

with no idea of who I am.

Only knowing that I will never again be

who I became while I was with you.


Sunday, August 12, 2012



Saturday, August 11, 2012

No good at this

I don’t know how to let go of hope

don’t know how to just walk away.

I guess because it feels like

 it somehow reflects on me.

I feel so small and irrelevant

because you meant so much to me.

And I realize I meant nothing to you

and there are no words for how that feels.

I feel like I have nothing now

and I don’t know how to feel that.

How to process it and let it go

and how to move away from it.

I am stuck here in this spiral

missing someone who doesn’t exist.

The person who I thought you were

and in whom I disappeared.

I lost myself in there

somewhere deep inside.

In the illusion that was created

so that I could have a life.

You were all that mattered to me

and the fact that I was with you.

I was trying to understand what role I played

but I couldn’t move fast enough.

I kept getting hit by curve balls

because you were more important than me.

You cheated on me, I forgave you

you fell down and I picked you up.

When I fell down there was no one there

you told me to get over it.

And this is the person I am missing

I am a complete and total mess.

I don’t want to be here anymore

and I am trying to pretend I do.

I’m just no good at any of this

and I keep on ending up here.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

To desire nothing~

How do you keep moving when you don’t want anything

but to curl yourself into a ball on the floor.

When desire and want and need have simply left you

and there is nothing left that you can hold on to.

How do you tell yourself that anything matters

when you were the only one it mattered to?

When moving forward and moving on are all that anyone does

and all you want is what she took away.

I’m stuck here, really, stuck here and I know

that I am the only one feeling any pain.

I am the one who suffers with the mourning

I just don’t know how to let go of my dreams of you.

I know that at this point I should just resign myself to hating

you and all the things you did to me.

I know the thought and the intent with which you acted

and still you take up too much space in my heart.

I know that we will never cross paths again

that you don’t deserve to know me or speak my name.

You treated me like something that was disposable

when I was supposed to be your partner in this life.

You planned out how you would cheat on me and betray me

you chose her over us, did you think about me at all?

I just can’t understand how after so long I meant so little

when I gave up everything to live a life with you.

I have to keep reminding myself of the bad

the rotten, the spoiled, the dying and the dead.

I am trying to learn how to let go of hope

I don’t want it but my heart doesn’t understand.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Just a dream...

You and I have been broken

you and I have been torn.

You and I have had our hearts, still beating

ripped out of our chests.

We had them handed back to us

as if they could be used and then returned.

We both have listened to lies

and have had to learn to live again.

Last night we entered rooms

where there were people that we knew.

Faces, young and old

and those we had never seen.

It was like we were set up for the challenge

to share what we have come to know.

With people who were tempting fate

and didn’t want to hear a word.

We sat near a tv where John Hughes movies played

and talked in metaphors.

We talked to each other and if no one else heard

we didn’t really care the lessons were for us.

We walked into a kitchen where children stood near a stove

being told repeatedly “no”!

They wanted to see if the surface was hot

and we watched them as they got burned.

No one told them why

they only told them no.

I guess they thought the scars

 would help them learn from their mistakes.

We went to a place where people were rude

and treated us with disrespect.

And for the first time, I spoke

I said no, you cannot, get away from me.

We continued to walk down hallways, through doors

witnessing all manner of things.

Danger, tragedy, anger and pain

and we silently took it in.

Then near the end we sat back down

and began our conversation again.

One by one, we shared our thoughts

on all we had seen and heard.

We suddenly noticed the room had filled

with everyone we had seen.

Listening quietly to us speak our minds

that’s when I knew it was a dream.

Friday, August 3, 2012

A day of me

Today there are a mix

of things tucked away in my bag.

Today there are celebrations

and there are things that hurt.

I achieved success today

in a challenge I set for myself.

In a goal that I set forth

to change the way I feel.

I changed my life, my size, my shape

I changed my own existence.

I actually look like a different person

than I used to be.

I am stronger and healthier

and let’s just say it, thinner.

I can run faster and farther

and accomplish things that I never could before.

Today is a day of memories too

as yesterday ‘I got mail’.

I got a message from your mother

and we haven’t spoken for months.

She told how much she missed me

how she still didn’t understand.

But that I would always be considered

a part of the family that is ‘no longer mine’.

She told how much she thought of me

and thanked me for loving you.

She said she could not lose me

that I mattered too much to her.

It rips and tears at the strings of my heart

when I think about how much I lost.

How do you stay friends with your ex’s mom

when the ex did to me what you’ve done?

It’s nice to hear the words that she wrote

nice to know how much she cares.

And in spite of all that happened

that who I am was seen.

So today I’m going to find the good

in those words and hold it close.

And I’m going to celebrate my victory

and be proud of what I have done.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Learning from the silence

It’s been pretty quiet here lately

my only focus is me.

I notice how quiet it is

when I am not screaming to be heard.

I notice how much I appreciate

the space and the room to think.

How much I enjoy the sound of my thoughts

when I can truly hear what they are.

You’d never know from the outside

that inside here, it’s still a mess.

There’s things that still need straightening up

and trash that needs taking out.

The thing that’s different now

is that I can do it on my own.

In my own time, in my own way

and no one needs to know.

I don’t need to prove anything to anyone

I don’t have to try and be something I’m not.

I don’t have to entertain or take care of anyone

or wait for you to see me.

Wishing that you would hear me

would never have made it so.

I wished and wished for years and years

and ended up empty and broken.

I stopped dreaming, stopped trying, stopped caring at all

and was just angry that you couldn’t hear.

As the tears fell down and I cried inside

and you never had any idea.

Where I was or what was wrong

or even who I was.

It’s clear that the one who makes the most noise

drowns out everything else in the room.

Here now in this silence

 I remember why you’re gone.

I remember why you’ll never return

and why I am better off alone.