Saturday, August 31, 2013

Forbidden Thoughts

Digging through some old notebooks today...and some old memories.
this is a wonderful memory to revisit.
~Adult content~
I have lost myself completely in the radiant glow of your skin.
My mind is drawn to the line where the luxurious golden brown
drifts slowly into a paler shade, the lighter color gently highlighting
the places which are forbidden.
I can’t restrain my hand from wandering hungrily over the curves of your body
and as your head falls back, eyes half closed, mouth half open,
I am forced to continue my quest.
I lean forward to kiss you, slowly at first, barely touching your lips
and as you open yourself to me I begin to explore you with my tongue.
Slowly, and for what seems like days, our mouths envelope one another
speaking all of the words that have never been said.
Hours pass and I begin to venture further,
down your neck and over the gentle lines of your body.
My lips cover every inch of you, every corner, every hidden part of you
until I can describe to you what you taste like from the inside out.
For a moment I sit back to look at you, breathless and terrified,
but as you look back into my eyes all hesitation leaves me
and the adventure continues forth.
I run my hand slowly down the tender length of your thigh,
caressing, exploring, feeling.
Around the soft curve of your calf, coming to rest on your ankle
and ever so slowly I lift your leg until it comes to rest on my shoulder.
Open and exposed to me, you invite me into you,
and with exquisite caution and care, I enter into places
I have only gone in my dreams.
With tender and practiced precision,
I eagerly trace my fingers over the delicate folds of your skin.
I listen with anticipation for the changes in your breathing,
signaling me to the places where your desires will unfold.
As the pace of your inhaling and exhaling begins to steadily increase,
so does my excitement.
I place my lips tenderly upon you and part them to allow my tongue
to venture into your body’s depths.
The fragrance and taste of you are overwhelming, and for a brief moment,
I lose my balance and almost forget where I am.
Quickly, I regain my composure, as I realize that this is
the only place I have ever wanted to be.
I continue to hungrily devour the delicacy of you
and at the same time enter you with my hand.
Deep within you I am feeling for, and reaching for,
and calling forth all of your desire.
I have found the place where you can feel me,
where you have allowed me to come inside of you.
Slowly and steadily I feed your need,
your ache, your want.
I call up from the depths of you everything you have ever wished for,
and continue on until you are begging and screaming.
As your nails are digging into my skin,
and the tears are streaming down your face,
I find the place where you will succumb.
Over, and over, and over,
you find your resolution.
In wave after wave of unbelievable release
you beg and scream and cry again.
Moments pass, but time has stood still
as you have given me everything that you have.
With open arms I cradle you in safety
until your breathing resumes it pace.
I stroke your face and kiss you softly,
and you fall into a quiet slumber, exhausted, by my side.
As I open my eyes, I return to the reality
that these are simply thoughts…
Simply dreams…
Simply forbidden…

Voices ~ reasons to bleed

the words that go unspoken

are the ones to fear the most.

I know this intimately

because they are all I hear.

the tears that fall in the darkness

the ones no one ever sees.

are the rivers that become a raging flood

the one that is drowning me.

the sheer terror that I cannot name

that I am numbing all over again.

is savagely clawing its way

up from where it lay.

it had all been silenced long ago

gone to a place I never knew.

and quietly I went about my day

no words on my tongue.

slowly I began to speak

in a whisper, voice so small.

and in the passing of days

that voice grew bold and loud.

it’s texture and tone have changed

and I’m not sure it sounds like me.

at least not the me, that I knew

I’m not sure who this is.

but I want to silence her again

she is becoming all that I am.

a raging voice, tormented

with far too much to say.

in anyone else this would startle

alarm me as a big red flag.

but in me this is the par for this course

up and then down again.

I work this circle like it has corners

places in which to pause.

rebuild, tear down, break apart

then put it all back together again.

still each time it feels different

and in that, this is just like the rest.

only the voices are louder, the pain more aching

the intensity,  more intense.

I know it doesn’t seem possible

to go any deeper than this.

but I took a respite with faces who knew me

and now I am back here again.

in this invisible world that I chose

this martyrdom of sorts.

paying a self-imposed penance

for always having been to blame.

splayed and exposed as always

just wishing to be seen.

yet making sure that I never am

gives me all of these reasons to bleed.


Monday, August 26, 2013

Careless Disregard

I’ve taken to starving my spirit

and my soul again.

taken to denying myself

a breath of life.

with a lack of giving

or any sort of understanding.

I’ve taken to placing all

of the blame on me.

I’m holding myself up against

some measure of reality.

that no one in real life

could ever live up to.

then tearing myself apart

for not meeting the bar.

that hurdle became a high jump

so long ago.

I hold grudges and make judgments

and place all levels of blame.

from where I hold court

in front of this mirrored glass.

reflections distorted

a twisted, wicked gaze.

the face that I see

is too much the way that I feel.

what is it that I expect

myself to do?

some trick, some masterful twist

some bending of light.

to change the way that I see

things from the outside looking in.

from the inside looking out

it’s a different sight.

from here I see things

with fear and disillusion.

not what I’m not

more what I think I can never be.

from the outside it is

what I should have become.

from the inside this self-doubt

is killing me.

blinding like a pain

that cannot be escaped.

raging like a war

that cannot be won.

I would never treat anyone

with such careless disregard.

why is it that this

is all that I give myself?



Friday, August 23, 2013


I’ve been sitting here for hours
in the quiet evening
trying to still the chaos.
trying to calm
what feels like
scribbled ink on a page.
it feels like
I’ve dropped a box
of marbles onto the floor.
or like a top
that has spun off its axis
and has wildly gone astray.
busy and racing
and agitated
inner turmoil reigns.
from the outside
you would never know
I keep it all contained.
I feel like
submerging myself
into a deep pool.
letting the water
calm and cool
wrap itself around me.
the touch of you
your hands on me
would soothe me just as well.
but your hands
fell onto someone else
their absence leaves me cold.
the racing, the pacing
back and forth
across the worn out floor.
my footsteps
have formed a groove
that I simply follow now.
I don’t even have to look
as I pace the length
of this tiny room.
I know it now by heart
know the number
of steps that it takes.
I count them
one by one
and breath by even breath.
wishing and hoping the rhythm
would somehow soothe
this shaking soul.
ragged, jagged
I choke on it
as it moves in and out of me.
never quite fast enough
that I don’t
have to gasp for air.
it’s panic, really
I’m sure that’s the name
to call it.
attacks of this nature
are random
and generally strike at will.
pacing again
can’t sit still
can’t calm the thoughts inside.
my thoughts resemble
a traffic jam
at a dead stop, blowing a horn.
I can’t escape this mess
this inherent makeup
of my mind.
chaos burning
edges frayed
frazzled from inside.
Listen to this poem on Sound Cloud

Thursday, August 22, 2013

A Ride Cut Short


at sunset

on an unseasonably warm

summer’s night

perched high atop

the wheel

a rainbow of lights

the clouds
are rather daunting
rolling in
at breakneck speed
shifting the feel
and the tone of the air

in distance
a flash~
a crack~
lightning strike
and thunder clap~
I think
this ride
is over