Sunday, April 29, 2012

The repetition of questions

What is that dripping sound that I hear?

I think it’s coming from me.

Pooling in a crimson stain on my floor

draining the life out of me.

What is that wailing sound that I hear?

I feel it deeply within.

Shaking in a silent, rumbling

taking the life from within.

Where do those tears keep coming from?

I think they are falling from my eyes.

I’ve seen too much that I can’t forget

there’s no life left in these eyes.

Where does this pain keep coming from?

from the depth of my broken heart.

Dull and lifeless, its beating has stopped

my desperately broken heart.

When will I ever be whole again?

Will I ever find my way back to life?

Scratching and crawling, in vain I try

to live some semblance of a life.

Will anything ever be real again?

Will I ever exist beyond this wall?

Will I trust, will I feel, will I ever let anyone

beyond the safe confines of this wall?


More alone than I have ever been

I find myself today.

Untouched, unheld, linked to nothing and no one

and bleeding from invisible wounds.

I’m trying like hell to let you go

I swear to god I am.

But the pull and the tear of this ever present ache

just keeps dragging me back again.

I’ve let go of everything I possibly can

and it never seems to be enough.

Something else happens that rips me in two

and it’s one more thing I have to give up.

People and places are becoming scarce

there seems to be nowhere that I can breathe.

I keep crawling deeper inside of myself

trying to hide the need.

I need something, I need someone,

just for a minute, a moment in time.

To touch me, to feel me, to let me feel them

to tell me I am still alive.

I am beginning to disappear

and no one will know I have gone.

Something will feel like it has changed

but everything will just move on.

There might be a memory, a word carved in stone

my name might be heard in the wind.

But time passes quickly and nothing remains

the past is simply the past.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

The reasons I can't forgive

I’m thinking about the reasons why

the reasons I can’t forgive.

I think what it all comes down to

is that you aren’t sorry for what you did.

You betrayed me with clear intent

to deceive me and lead me to believe,

That you were faithful and loved me

yet you simply made a fool of me.

Leaving traces and clues out openly

that you must have wanted me to find.

That way you never had to simply admit

the things you had said and done.

How exactly did you love me

while you lay down with her in her bed?

And where was the “most important person in your life”

while your lips were touching hers?

I knew what you felt and knew what you did

yet I tried so hard to believe.

The words that you said when you looked in my eyes

and when you lay down in bed next to me.

You broke my heart in ways

that I never thought you would do.

And you’ve never apologized for what you did

only that I ended up hurt.

The ownership in that, the responsibility,

in those words is clearly implied.

You don’t believe what you did was wrong,

only that I got in the way.

The fact that you remain with her

in motion, in act, in word.

Further speaks to the truth that your only intent

was to leave me so you could be with her.

Whether or not we had come to an end

is no longer a relevant fact.

You cheated on me, you just couldn’t wait

to respectfully leave me first.

Those actions will always define

the ending of our life.

You took away everything we once shared

as you selfishly fed your desires.

What would you expect from me now

to simply forgive and forget?

To be in each other’s lives “in places”

exactly what place is that?

You publicly courted her and I watched you

and you knew when you were caught.

Yet you stood there naked before me

and swore I was who you loved.

Your actions since have blatantly shown me

exactly what I mean to you.

I hope that you never have to feel how that feels

I hope it was worth it to you.

If you ever wonder why I can’t forgive

those are the reasons why.

You don’t care anyway and it doesn’t matter

but somehow I still have to heal.

Friday, April 27, 2012


It’s all coming so clear now

what I truly meant to you.

In the actions you chose, and the choices you made

it’s obvious now, nothing.

You wandered away from me twice

into the arms of anyone else.

You left me for nothing after all of this time

as easily as closing the door.

You were only as selfish

as I allowed you to be.

But you had such a way of making me feel

like I somehow owed that to you.

I never mattered more than anything else

I see it crystal clear now.

It was all about you from the very first day

in that car as we crossed the world.

Do you even know what I went through?

You never asked how it felt.

I didn’t know how to do any of this

I certainly never got any help.

I left a home where I hid away

and waited for time to pass.

I was turning to dust and you gallantly swept in

and thought you could save the day.

How did you plan to do that

when you knew nothing at all about me?

What made me cry in the hours late at night

and why I was afraid of the dark.

What did you see in me way back then?

I really want to know.

I’m still the same person, with the very same heart

you were the one who left.

I can’t even look at you now

with distance becoming my strength.

It was never, will never, be about me

just your need to be needed again.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Never Again

You don’t deserve any more of my love

or any more of my pain.

You don’t deserve to know

that you broke the last piece of my heart.

You don’t deserve my anger

because it won’t change anything.

The apology that I hoped it would bring

is never going to come.

You’re not sorry, you’re not,

if you were, you never would have left.

You don’t have any love left for me

or you never would have been with her.

I own my part in all of this,

I gave you too much of me.

I let you take me for granted

and for that I continue to pay.

I never held you accountable

for the things that broke my heart.

For your silver edged tongue and your painful words

the ones that tore me apart.

I only ever tried to believe in you

and didn’t know how to stand my ground.

To tell you when you weren’t there for me

I let that become how it was.

You never supported, never nurtured me

and I hate you for it now.

I just never thought, if you loved me

that I should have to tell you how.

I guess I should have learned from you

you never stopped telling me.

How to be everything you wanted me to be

I never could have known so well.

I am angry and hateful and bitter

but the beauty of that is.

I never have to do this again

 let someone take the heart that I gave them.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Still Trying

Missing you and everything we ever were,

ever could have been.

Missing you and loving you

and hating you at the same time.

I’m bitter, resentful, and angry

and still so broken and hurt.

I’m trying just to forget you

but I can’t make it go away.

I can’t believe how easy it was

for you to walk away.

To move on so quickly and leave me here

and expect me to know what to do.

All this talk about choices

and how they are mine to make.

I don’t understand any of it

what choice did I really have?

You handed me a decision

and my only choice was this…

Here it is accept it

you are irrelevant here.

So now I’m just trying to stay alive

as I float, adrift, set ‘free’

Freedom is a prison cell when you don’t want it

a life sentence and nothing more.

I didn’t want this, I don’t want it now

but really my heart has died.

It will no longer wish for anyone

it will be safely locked and secure.

You did it, you broke free, got away from me

I hope it was worth it for you.

That for this moment for now, until you change your mind again

that this is what you want. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012


This is a new song...
please click the link to listen.

v. There’s nothing left of me here
    this town should bear your name
   Your face is everywhere I go
    nothing looks the same

v. I still can’t sleep at night
    I wake up on my own
   Wishing you were here with me
    but you’re never coming home

Ch. Why do I still love you
       when you walked out on me?
       On your way to another life
       to a place where you can be (free)

v. You filled up all the dreams I had
     of a love, of a life
    They all followed when you left
    I cry out for them at night

Br. There must be something left of me here
      somehow, someday I will find my way
      A trace of someone who I used to be
      somehow, someday I will find my way

v. Walking through the shadows
     searching for my light
    My battle rages on
   this is how I fight.

Ch. Why do I still love you
        when you walked out on me?
       On your way to another life
       to a place where you can be (free)     


Friday, April 13, 2012

Moving, through this

I just want to get to the place

where I can hear your name and still breathe.

Where the sight of your face or the thought of your voice

doesn’t openly break me in two.

I want to find the peace in this

the place where is doesn’t hurt.

Where I can think good thoughts and have memories

that aren’t overshadowed with regret.

I miss being with you, laughing with you,

I miss our home, our love, our life.

I miss being the one that you turned to

I miss meaning something to you.

I think about us being friends again

and I can’t see that it would ever be.

For too long, I came second with us

and it will always feel like that.

Maybe if I were to love again,

that would mean that I’d gotten over you.

But that is never going to happen

I won’t let anyone come into me again.

 All of these words are goodbyes of sorts

I keep writing them to help me believe.

That this is over that life has moved on,

well, it has for you anyway.

Soon I’ll be gone and moving away

at least from the face of your ghost.

I see it in everything that I see

and it paralyzes me from within.

I have to tell you I’m leaving

to make that final break.

But I’d rather steal off like a thief in the night

and let there be nothing said.

It’s easier just to disappear

than to hear your react to this.

 You will tell me how great this will be for me

I want to know that it hurts.

Hurts you deeply and somewhere within

where you quietly still care for me.

I know that it’s wrong, but it is what it is

I want to know it’s not just me.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Discarding Useless Things

Perhaps I should have a rummage sale

where I sell off old, used things.

I have memories that I can give you, cheap

they only make me sad.

I have pictures of places and stories of times

that will never be remembered again.

I have laughter that died and eyes that are cold

but, I swear, they were once good as new!

I have a beaten, broken, battered heart

but I think it still kind of works.

I have compassion an unconditional love,

no guarantee on them.

I have words like ‘baby’ and ‘angel’

though they won’t last for very long.

But that’s ok, you can recycle them

and use them over and over again.

I have a ring I’ll make you a deal on

it originally came with 3 stones.

Past, present, and future

guess which one you won’t need.

There are words unspoken, dreams unfulfilled,

there are broken hearts and shattered lives.

But I know you won’t want them, neither do I

they can go in the ‘donate’ pile.

The last things left are the tears that I cried

and continue to cry for you.

I hope one day they wash over you like rain

and clear away the mess that you can’t see me through.

Lingering Remains

How much more pain can I feel

until I finally just explode?

Until my broken, battered body

falls lifeless to the floor.

How many more tears can I shed

before the well finally runs dry?

Before I turn to dust and blow away

and no trace of me remains.

How much more ache can I bare

until I just become quietly numb?

Until the wailing stops and the silence falls

and I can pretend that I have healed.

Things like this don’t go away

they leave a permanent stain.

A jagged scar, a phantom limb,

the memories linger through time.

I feel like I’m loitering, lingering

on the fringes of my old life.

I am waiting again, this time waiting to leave

and become a ghost in another time.

I will never be fully whole again

a piece of me has died right here.

Another broken piece in the puzzle

that will never fit together again.