I feel like the jester, the fool of the court
the joker behind the mask.
I feel like I’m dying on the inside
and all anyone wants is a laugh.
I’m sure that I should be over this by now
that I should have healed and stopped feeling this pain.
But I’m not and I haven’t and I’m doing all I can
and it just seems to keep coming back.
Today I saw a friend of yours whom I haven’t seen since you left
immediately I felt myself start to shake.
It was brief and ‘how are you?’ without an answer expected
and I just came home and wept.
I am trying to keep myself healthy and strong
and just waiting to get out of here.
I don’t want to be in this place anymore
there is too much of you everywhere.
It’s not about you and what I wish I had
you’re gone and you’re not coming back.
It’s just about me and how to survive
and how to stand up against the pain.
The sobering silence, the quiet alone
no longer brings solace or peace.
It’s lonely, it’s hard, I’m scared, and I hurt
I just want to put that mask in place.