Sunday, December 30, 2012


It feels like the balance is shifting

this path has taken a turn.

Something has shifted, something is changing

and I am reeling again.

It feels like it’s time to listen

to silently sit back and watch.

To take it all in and see how it tastes

let its texture roll around on my tongue.

I was silent for years and years

collecting too many things unsaid.

Building walls and structures of stone

hiding myself within them.

When it all crashed down and crumbled

and everything was exposed.

Like a river it all flowed from me

until everything was submerged.

Floating in too many words

drowning in too many thoughts.

I lost my footing and began to sink

and was forced to learn to swim.

Treading water at an exhausting pace

swimming to save my life.

Wishing for the sounds of silence again

and the comfort of dry land.

So here I am in a place

where I can set the stage.

Where I can choose the roles

and I can decide who to play.

The thing is I don’t want to play anymore

I don’t want to take part in this.

I don’t want to stand up on the stage again

and let myself be exposed.

So I think for now I’ll listen

 to all that is being said

To the sounds that are humming all around me

instead of the ones in my head.

I’ll listen to the screaming, to the weeping

to the wise.

I’ll listen to the whispers, to the laughing

to the cries.

I’ll collect all the things I find here

and put them in a box.

I’ll carry the with me along this road

as I listen for what is never said.


Friday, December 28, 2012


I only ever wanted
for you
to see

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Just stuff

There is so much between there and here

so much between here and there.

What seems as if I’ve been feeling it forever

still feels as if it was just yesterday.

Every day there is something new that I feel

some memory that I need to put in place.

File this and put away that and leave it all behind

working through and trying to move on.

It seems like it all just keeps coming back

coming up and coming up again.

It seems like I can’t get past this place

where I continue to fall down, then start again.

There is only so far that I’ve been able to go

so far until I feel myself slipping back.

The same things keep me looking far behind

things that will never be there again.

I sometimes feel as if I can still see them

somewhere out of the corner of my eye.

But they are gone as gone as you are from me

maybe one day I won’t look for them anymore…

Friday, December 21, 2012


Maybe if I can forgive myself

I can finally let this go.

I’m tired of feeling all of the things

that I feel about myself.

It all really comes right down

to the things that I’ve never been.

Never enough and always wanting

someone to see who I was.

Maybe if I could first see it

someone else might too.

Maybe if I could see it

it wouldn’t matter who else did.

Seeking validation in the eyes of anyone

because I can’t see it, I never could.

Seeking acceptance from others

because still to it I am blind.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be for you

more than what I was.

I’m sorry that I can’t be for me

more than what I am.

It’s dark and lonely and getting worse

and the panic has set in again.

The fear of being discovered

masquerading as someone else.

Someone who is strong and brave

and moves through life with grace.

Someone who can sleep at night

because they are doing all they can.

I feel like I’m doing all that I can

and still it’s not enough.

Asking forgiveness mostly from me

for not being who I thought I was.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Nightly Conversations

My subconscious mind’s been working overtime

trying to help me lay these things to rest.

I’ve been holding court night after night for a week

having the conversations we never had.

I’m on both sides of this whole thing

playing my role just as I’m playing yours.

Telling myself the things I needed to hear

the things that will hopefully help me to move on.

In these dreams, you actually say you’re sorry

for cheating on me, for lying and doing those things.

For the first time you did it and especially the second

when I knew what you’d done and you lied to me anyway.

You own the fact that you never really loved me

and that you had been lying to me for years.

Hearing it finally validates the way I felt for so long

and I understand why I became the person I did.

For almost a year now I’ve been working through this thing

through me, through you, through all that came before.

I was doing so well then suddenly somehow hit a bump in the road

and it sent me digging back into the mess.

The mess that we created of a life

that should have been the fairytale we dreamed.

 We turned on each other in completely different ways

one outward, one inward but yielding the same thing.

The end result is just wasted, rotting years

a past that now I only wish to forget.

At a place now where I am supposed to forgive you

without letting it validate everything you did.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Space, time and distance don’t seem to mean anything

when I can’t get away from myself.

I can’t get away from these feelings

and they are beating me to the floor.

I’m tired of missing you

tired of feeling the loss.

Tired of all of the things that I know

wishing for ignorance and bliss.

How could you just disappear,

walk away and just be done?

I guess that’s the hardest part to take

how little I meant to you.

It’s broken down my spirit

my sense of pride and self.

That you just left like it was nothing

when it was everything to me.

I know it doesn’t just go away

but I wish to god it would.

I just don’t know where it’s supposed to go

and how I can leave it there.

It doesn’t matter to anyone, I know,

and the only one hurting is me.

The only one grieving, the only one mourning

and that still doesn’t take it away.

The anger is still eclipsed by the pain

the disgust still consumed by the loss.

The heart is simply still broken

I just wish it didn’t hurt anymore.

Sunday, December 2, 2012


That tale about misery and company

I know for a fact it’s not true.

I am deep in the heart of misery

and would much rather be alone.

I can’t seem to get out from under it

so I decided to just dig in.

And go deeper down into the hole

until I just can’t find my way out.

Drowning and drenched in the numb

trying hard to become blind.

Maybe deaf and dumb as well

I don’t need anything else getting in.

I don’t feel very strong anymore

each day a little less.

I don’t know how I even got to this place

or made it through the last year.

I’m liking the dark more and more

staying up most nights.

Avoiding sleep as it only brings dreams

and I don’t believe in them anymore.

Today I want to get out of this hole

really just for vanity’s sake.

I don’t want to go back from where I’ve been

and the only way out is up.