Nightly Conversations

My subconscious mind’s been working overtime

trying to help me lay these things to rest.

I’ve been holding court night after night for a week

having the conversations we never had.

I’m on both sides of this whole thing

playing my role just as I’m playing yours.

Telling myself the things I needed to hear

the things that will hopefully help me to move on.

In these dreams, you actually say you’re sorry

for cheating on me, for lying and doing those things.

For the first time you did it and especially the second

when I knew what you’d done and you lied to me anyway.

You own the fact that you never really loved me

and that you had been lying to me for years.

Hearing it finally validates the way I felt for so long

and I understand why I became the person I did.

For almost a year now I’ve been working through this thing

through me, through you, through all that came before.

I was doing so well then suddenly somehow hit a bump in the road

and it sent me digging back into the mess.

The mess that we created of a life

that should have been the fairytale we dreamed.

 We turned on each other in completely different ways

one outward, one inward but yielding the same thing.

The end result is just wasted, rotting years

a past that now I only wish to forget.

At a place now where I am supposed to forgive you

without letting it validate everything you did.