Sunday, April 1, 2018


I remember the first day and the first words we shared. It seems you came from out of nowhere, something magical. For four years, the feeling never changed.

You found me, by luck, or some odd coincidence. You read my words and were compelled. You said, you thought I needed a friend. Nothing about that was wrong.

We began an adventure of discovery, of imagination, and of reaching into the places few seldom go. We had an unconventional situation, forced to rely on words to connect us, as we never had the luxury of touch. Our moments were spent telling stories and creating the world we wanted to live in together. We went so many places and saw so many things all within the realm of imagination. You lived a life so unlike mine. You had travelled the world and seen and done things I could only dream of. I lived a lifetime inside my head, with worlds of untapped emotion, creating dreams through pages and pages of words. The only thing that we had in common was a loneliness that we each lived through our own making.

When I look back on our time together, I remember so many things. The time you took me to Paris for dinner and you described everything in complete detail down to the way the air smelled. It is as real to me now as if we’d actually been there together. I remember the midnight carriage ride on a snowy night. The air was so cold that our breath clouded before us but the energy between us was so electric, I never felt the chill. I remember the stories we created. Page upon page, volumes now as I look over them, of the deepest pieces of ourselves worked into fairy tales and dreams. Oh, the things we created!

I fell madly in love with you from the very start, losing myself completely in the wonder of the things we shared. Your energy was endless, your wit and humour knew no bounds and your passion was something I never believed could exist in another person. You understood me, you were patient and you pushed me to be more of myself than I had ever been. I understood you as well and brought out of you the ability to trust and to love.

It was so easy to simply lose myself in the world of our making. To escape the reality of my every day, to wander aimlessly in a creative bliss. And because of you, it was easy to forget the distance that kept us apart. You always said, ‘just dream with me’, and for years, I did.

As the years passed, we loved and grew and fought and cried, living in our hearts what we could not live in life. The distance became harder for me, times when you weren’t as strong, times when I thought the end had come. I began to build a wall around myself,  around my heart, against the inevitable.

Only once, did I ever allow myself to say out loud the things that I wished so deeply for. I loved you openly and without bounds and I cared for you the very best ways that I knew how. But only once did I admit that you were my knight in shining armour and I wanted you to carry me away.  

As time passed, things changed between us, your energy became less and less and our creative world became something different. I knew you would never come home, but I never let you know how that broke my heart. I never stopped dreaming with you, never truly let go of the hope that I held so deep.

The last time I heard your voice, you were no longer yourself. You were angry with me and I couldn’t really understand you. Things had progressed and though I could still feel you fighting with all your might, I knew the time was coming. Your messages became fewer and our time together was gone, just brief snippets of thoughts, broken sentences.

I will never know when you left, the day or the time. I accepted this long ago, that I would love you for the time that we had but that one day you would be gone. I loved you for a lifetime in the years that we shared and I thank god for the time that we had.

Trying to accept this now, is beyond anything I could have imagined. I have never felt so alone, so scared, so empty. You were everything to me, my heart, my soul, my love. I knew your mind, I knew your soul, I knew you so deeply, and we never ever touched.

You always said you wished we’d met when we were young but my Darling, we met exactly when we were meant to. We shared a love that most will never know. My heart is broken and I am grieving you with every breath but I am so thankful for the time I had with you. I have every moment we ever shared and one day I will be able to breathe again.

byefornow my Angel

Thursday, February 15, 2018

February Wind

on a warm February evening

I sit and listen to the wind

it rustles through the trees

unseasonal warmth covering me

strange, on a day like this

that I just want to leave this place

to drive off into the dark of night

never to return again

I feel disconnected from everything

there is nothing that holds me still

yet I cannot seem to move

the spiral spinning my head

empty as a I toss and turn

I feel you slipping away 

literally and figuratively

paralyzed, I cannot move

I’ve never been here without you

in this place I cannot call  home

and now the loneliness stings

my legs burning with the need to run

the wind roars and howls

it sounds like the inside of me

yet on the outside no one would know

the numbness that won’t set me free

Sunday, August 13, 2017

blessed dreams

oh the power of dreams

bringing me here to you

fueled by the power of loneliness

and this ever-aching need

to the place where reality

took her own life

and clocks and maps

don’t exist

to the place where there

is only you

in the presence

of only me

you’ve told me what others

took from you

and what you were

expected to give

the memories seem

to haunt you still

my Love

I just want us both to live

to wander into this dream filled world

where everything else falls away

where the opening of both our souls

is the only card we play

I don’t want to rise another day

awakened by the sound of my screams

finding myself alone again

and cursing these blessed dreams

~for my muse~

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


the shift became her

or she became the shift

either way, it was immediate

as simple as inhaling

from one moment to the next

tone and timbre had evolved,

or perhaps devolved,

into groan and growl.

with precision focus

unfettered and unchained

she followed the path

as it changed

there was only one purpose

only one destination

yet she followed

with measured steps.

pulse by pulse

breath by breath

words strung together

 in a line

she was at one end

drawing up the slack

inching closer and closer

panting with every breath

closer she drew

the line becoming shorter

as she closed the distance

to the end

sweat glistened

muscles burned

the shift making her

someone else.

suddenly and from nowhere

as if exploding from within

something erupted

from the depths of her soul

she wailed with the sounds

of lust and pain

as if in agony

she screamed and roared.

in the moment, the shift began

she became someone other than her

when the bellow past her clenched jaw

something ripped loose in her soul.

a sound comparable to nothing

I have ever heard before

perhaps the scream at the first breath of life

or the sound when there are no words.

otherworldly and purely savage

raw with no restraint

and then her breath resumed its pace

yet she could barely speak.

like nothing ever before, she said

she had become, in her mind

her body mimicked her every thought

the echo now a moment in time


Monday, May 1, 2017

Out of Step

she comes from a different time

of this I am all but certain

a time of simpler intricate things

of words that are no longer spoken

her memory, her greatest friend

there are libraries within her

stories my mind cannot comprehend

I delight in their mystical nature

she seems out of step in this place sometimes

out of synch with the calendar’s turn

her heart kept locked up inside of those walls

she watches as if through a lens

it’s not for lack of ability

that she moves at a different pace

it could almost be called an impassioned disdain

for the state and nature of things

so often I am swept up in dreams of a time

when we both could have fit in place

two pieces woven of similar thread

yet in contrast they seem to blend

there is something about the passing of years

remembering things come and gone

so few things now hold any weight

to anchor their place in time

in ways she is like a history book

filled with page after page of lore

with stories of how one becomes

yet never being that thing at all

she tells the tales as if she saw them

yet was never truly there

and now she has found herself wanting

to be the character that defines the tale

~ for my muse ~

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

The Internal Turn

it starts slow, deep down
undetectable to the gaze of the eye
it digs in, foraging
carving space in the places you hide
it is simple, really
one unspoken word
the smallest thing
that you let slip silently by
once planted, the tiniest seed
begins to take root as if into stone
the root becomes a web
an intricate maze of lines
exquisitely forming a fortress
that cannot be breached
and then into the darkness
into the shadows, silence speaks
until all that you hear
is the empty hollow din
the lonely and the quiet
take over full control
and then in this prison
you slowly pass the time
minutes turn to hours, hours into days

and the blur of their passing
simply turns you numb
taking the edge off the numbness
with whatever you can find
your pour the endless loss
down your throat
then time is spent recovering
the vicious cycle spins
so that all you have to focus on
is yourself

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Her Shadow

I have always ‘seen’ things, ‘felt’ things, ‘known’ things. I see them in the trees as dusk settles on the day. I see them in flashes as I turn my head. I hear voices that wake me from sleep. I spend a lot of time lying awake at night as some thing, some unknown presence needs me to know it is there. I have to turn on lights, most of the time, as for some reason, that presence does not seem to comfort me.

One particular night, I was deep in sleep, when my doorbell rang. It was late, middle of the night, and scared me as I had recently moved and didn’t know anyone here. I went downstairs and looked through the peephole in my door. I saw the shadow of a blonde woman, head tipped forward. She looked remarkably like someone I know but it was an impossibility that she would be standing there. I yelled out, “who is it?”. No answer. I asked again. Still nothing. I moved to the window, and saw no one. I went back to the door and threw it open. No one was there.

shadows love to tease

spring night becomes cold

and then still again

*written for
Haibun Monday - The Shadow Knows