Saturday, June 9, 2018

days like today

it is on days like today that I remember

and the memories become as real as the moments in time

I remember the first time I dragged a blade

across the white of my skin

there was feeling of release

from the absolute need

to burst free

of the skin that held me tight

there was an exhale

of a breath that had been held

for longer

than I can remember

today brings back

the first time

I tossed back my head

and poured liquor into the depth of me

the warm release

as it poured through my veins

making something in me burn

allowing me to feel

it takes me back

to the first line I inhaled

and how I believed

that I would never hurt again

it’s days like today

where tears fall

on a schedule all their own

and I cannot contain them

it’s days like today

where my heart pounds

my ears ring

and breaths come short and fast

it’s days like today

where I want to run

as fast and as far

as my body will allow me to go

it’s days like today

where I don’t want to be anywhere

where I cannot sit still

and where I cannot move

it’s days like today

when I need a sunrise

and when I wish

to float away

Thursday, June 7, 2018


so many things

bring me to tears

I begin to become


the edges are jagged

the seams come undone

what holds me together


there is so much unsettled

so much unsure

so much of me

has fallen deep within

pieces are broken

cracked and torn away

I am tying up the pieces

with string

I don’t know how to hold it

how to keep my grip tight

when the muscles

have forgotten how to move

I am breaking again

I have splintered within

the shell no longer

keeping me alive

Saturday, June 2, 2018

100 Days...

it seems there are strings of moments

tied together by breaths

breaths short and fast

as if gasping to stay alive

I find myself in this place

one I have been before

for one reason or another

 connected by nothing but me

it’s been a hundred days or more

and I don’t know how to grieve

I only know how to drown myself

in this bottle turned upside down

you’d be disappointed I know

and I am starting to feel the same

why is this the only place

I know how to run to

how did I let myself become

so shutdown and alone

I dreamt and wished for so many years

about the life that we would live

and now that you are gone

I just want to follow you there

I know that I have to feel this

let this grief have a name

but it takes over every inch of me

and leaves me crippled and shaken

that’s why I hide in the numb

where I have hidden all my life

through liquids in clear glass bottles

or in lines sniffed up my nose

I had come so far from all of that

my strength had let me shine

now, once again, my shimmer has dulled

and I am wandering in the dark

I know that I am stronger than this

but I simply cannot find the ground

I am wavering on shaking legs

and the days just keep passing by

Friday, May 11, 2018

Words Seldom Used...............N

and this the letter N:

Natant:  swimming or floating. 
Nepenthe:  a drink having the power to bring forgetfulness of sorrow or trouble.  Anything inducing a pleasurable sensation of forgetfulness. 
Nival:  of, belonging to snow. 
Novia:  fiancĂ© or bride. 
Nuque:  the back of the neck. 
Nyx:  an ancient Greek goddess personifying night.

Lips drag slowly
tracing along the nuque
the taste of her
a nepenthe elixir.

Swallowing in deep breaths
inhaling her into me 
my mind reels
as a simple peace takes hold.

In natant wonder drifting 
mind in soft release
her power leaving
the rest of the world at bay.

She is mystery, my novia
nothing else compares
as original as a snowflake
in a nival breeze.

Upon me she falls
as night surrounds us both
the goddess Nyx
powerless next to her.

Elegant and wondrous
this creature, this woman, my dream
nyctalgia even fades
at the sound of her name. 


*this photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*

Words Seldom Used.........A

and this, the letter A:
Adient:  tending to move toward a stimulus. 
Adroit:  skilled use of hands or body. 
Adue:  together, in unison. 
Affet tuoso:  with an affection and tenderness (music)/ a composition or movement of gentle, tender character. 
Afficance:  to pledge by promise of marriage.


her voice a symphony
an affett tuoso
like heather in the wind
or velvet against my skin
her words slide sensuously
into my ears
and tickle the very essence
of my soul
adroit fingers sliding
down my spine
raising the skin
in textured ecstasy
pulling me along
with the force of her will
adiently drawn
deep into her
this woman, this treasure
this creature I cannot explain
owns my heart and now
we move adue
bound together
held within this promise
in affiance our voices sing
~ I do ~


*the photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*

Words Seldom Used..........G

And this, the letter G:

Glissande:  a sliding or gliding step.

Grace Note:  a note essential to the harmony or melody, added as an embellishment.

Gyve:  shackle


grope, grapple, grab
frenetically charged energy shifts
grind, gyrate, growl
letting loose myself inside of you

grunt, groan, grimace
my face contorts with lust and heat
gasp, grin, giggle
pleasure overtakes me in your arms

the gyve drawn tight around my wrists
ankles bound in mirror image of this
the smile that overtakes you, though composure never shakes
and you begin the task that is at hand

splayed wide, naked and defenseless
fearless I’ve become within your gaze
trust, now a beacon in the darkness
that led us both here to find our way

glissande steps move you through the room
as you seem to have become the very act
effortless it seems as you engage
yet everything within you is focused here

and finally the unnecessary gesture
the grace note in your symphony
you lay your lips tenderly upon mine
and without a word, proclaim your love to me


*this photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*

Words Seldom Used......O

And this, this letter O:
Od:  a hypothetical force formerly held to pervade all nature and manifest itself in magnetism, mesmerism, chemical action, etc. 
Oe-no-mel:  something combining strength with sweetness. 
Oell-lade:  an amorous glance. 
Obesiant:  movement of the body expressing deep respect or deferential courtesy.

Ode to Od

simple gesture seemingly
yet refined in texture and tone
oe-no-mel, this creature
leaves me gasping for breath
caught within the glimpse of my eye
her glance nearly askew
but oell-lade, I catch it
before she turns her head
this hypothetical force
of nature, savage and pure
I believe in its magic
as I stand near enough to feel
she is unbelievable yes
yet I am on my knees
in obeisant pose
thanking the powers that be
singing to the heavens
cracking open the sky
as she has split the shell of me
and set the prisoner free
I sing on high I sing to the low
in rising from under this soul
to let heaven rest beneath me
as we fly wing to wing
this is an ode a lyrical tale
of love and this woman so fair
and ode to od, the power
that need not be explained.

*the photo is not mine, no copyright infringement intended*