Sunday, December 30, 2012


It feels like the balance is shifting

this path has taken a turn.

Something has shifted, something is changing

and I am reeling again.

It feels like it’s time to listen

to silently sit back and watch.

To take it all in and see how it tastes

let its texture roll around on my tongue.

I was silent for years and years

collecting too many things unsaid.

Building walls and structures of stone

hiding myself within them.

When it all crashed down and crumbled

and everything was exposed.

Like a river it all flowed from me

until everything was submerged.

Floating in too many words

drowning in too many thoughts.

I lost my footing and began to sink

and was forced to learn to swim.

Treading water at an exhausting pace

swimming to save my life.

Wishing for the sounds of silence again

and the comfort of dry land.

So here I am in a place

where I can set the stage.

Where I can choose the roles

and I can decide who to play.

The thing is I don’t want to play anymore

I don’t want to take part in this.

I don’t want to stand up on the stage again

and let myself be exposed.

So I think for now I’ll listen

 to all that is being said

To the sounds that are humming all around me

instead of the ones in my head.

I’ll listen to the screaming, to the weeping

to the wise.

I’ll listen to the whispers, to the laughing

to the cries.

I’ll collect all the things I find here

and put them in a box.

I’ll carry the with me along this road

as I listen for what is never said.


Friday, December 28, 2012


I only ever wanted
for you
to see

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Just stuff

There is so much between there and here

so much between here and there.

What seems as if I’ve been feeling it forever

still feels as if it was just yesterday.

Every day there is something new that I feel

some memory that I need to put in place.

File this and put away that and leave it all behind

working through and trying to move on.

It seems like it all just keeps coming back

coming up and coming up again.

It seems like I can’t get past this place

where I continue to fall down, then start again.

There is only so far that I’ve been able to go

so far until I feel myself slipping back.

The same things keep me looking far behind

things that will never be there again.

I sometimes feel as if I can still see them

somewhere out of the corner of my eye.

But they are gone as gone as you are from me

maybe one day I won’t look for them anymore…

Friday, December 21, 2012


Maybe if I can forgive myself

I can finally let this go.

I’m tired of feeling all of the things

that I feel about myself.

It all really comes right down

to the things that I’ve never been.

Never enough and always wanting

someone to see who I was.

Maybe if I could first see it

someone else might too.

Maybe if I could see it

it wouldn’t matter who else did.

Seeking validation in the eyes of anyone

because I can’t see it, I never could.

Seeking acceptance from others

because still to it I am blind.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be for you

more than what I was.

I’m sorry that I can’t be for me

more than what I am.

It’s dark and lonely and getting worse

and the panic has set in again.

The fear of being discovered

masquerading as someone else.

Someone who is strong and brave

and moves through life with grace.

Someone who can sleep at night

because they are doing all they can.

I feel like I’m doing all that I can

and still it’s not enough.

Asking forgiveness mostly from me

for not being who I thought I was.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Nightly Conversations

My subconscious mind’s been working overtime

trying to help me lay these things to rest.

I’ve been holding court night after night for a week

having the conversations we never had.

I’m on both sides of this whole thing

playing my role just as I’m playing yours.

Telling myself the things I needed to hear

the things that will hopefully help me to move on.

In these dreams, you actually say you’re sorry

for cheating on me, for lying and doing those things.

For the first time you did it and especially the second

when I knew what you’d done and you lied to me anyway.

You own the fact that you never really loved me

and that you had been lying to me for years.

Hearing it finally validates the way I felt for so long

and I understand why I became the person I did.

For almost a year now I’ve been working through this thing

through me, through you, through all that came before.

I was doing so well then suddenly somehow hit a bump in the road

and it sent me digging back into the mess.

The mess that we created of a life

that should have been the fairytale we dreamed.

 We turned on each other in completely different ways

one outward, one inward but yielding the same thing.

The end result is just wasted, rotting years

a past that now I only wish to forget.

At a place now where I am supposed to forgive you

without letting it validate everything you did.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


Space, time and distance don’t seem to mean anything

when I can’t get away from myself.

I can’t get away from these feelings

and they are beating me to the floor.

I’m tired of missing you

tired of feeling the loss.

Tired of all of the things that I know

wishing for ignorance and bliss.

How could you just disappear,

walk away and just be done?

I guess that’s the hardest part to take

how little I meant to you.

It’s broken down my spirit

my sense of pride and self.

That you just left like it was nothing

when it was everything to me.

I know it doesn’t just go away

but I wish to god it would.

I just don’t know where it’s supposed to go

and how I can leave it there.

It doesn’t matter to anyone, I know,

and the only one hurting is me.

The only one grieving, the only one mourning

and that still doesn’t take it away.

The anger is still eclipsed by the pain

the disgust still consumed by the loss.

The heart is simply still broken

I just wish it didn’t hurt anymore.

Sunday, December 2, 2012


That tale about misery and company

I know for a fact it’s not true.

I am deep in the heart of misery

and would much rather be alone.

I can’t seem to get out from under it

so I decided to just dig in.

And go deeper down into the hole

until I just can’t find my way out.

Drowning and drenched in the numb

trying hard to become blind.

Maybe deaf and dumb as well

I don’t need anything else getting in.

I don’t feel very strong anymore

each day a little less.

I don’t know how I even got to this place

or made it through the last year.

I’m liking the dark more and more

staying up most nights.

Avoiding sleep as it only brings dreams

and I don’t believe in them anymore.

Today I want to get out of this hole

really just for vanity’s sake.

I don’t want to go back from where I’ve been

and the only way out is up.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Days like this

Some days there aren’t enough tears

to wash it away and make me feel clean.

Some days they just fall in vain

and leave stains upon the floor.

Sometimes I can’t find the words

to drown out the sound of your voice.

I cry and scream and wail

the sounds of dying aren’t enough.

Often times I think of you

and the memories are a mess.

Scattered pictures, phrases spoken

so many words unsaid.

Some days are days like this

when all of it feels like hell.

When words and tears and screaming out

just won’t take it away.

On days like this I run

until the air won’t fill my lungs.

Until my legs won’t carry me anymore

and I end up exhausted and spent.

On days like this I want to hide

away from light and sight and sound.

In darkness and silence and shadow

where nothing gets out or in.

On days like this I usually end up

just sitting and letting it pass.

It usually does before too long

it’s just on days like this.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Another Day

You learn what you are made of

when you find yourself in moments like these.

When the only thing that you know

is you’re doing the best that you can.

In long silent hours spent alone

when the quiet is just too loud.

When you run just to get away

from the voices in your own head.

Right now I can’t see the light

at the proverbial end of the tunnel.

I just know that from where I stand

things seem very dark.

I’m spinning in tight little circles

from one moment to the next.

With thoughts and things that need letting go

but then I’d have nothing to hold.

I’m wearing the face and dressing it up

in clothes that never fit.

My stature smaller, literally,

and figuratively smaller still.

Trying and trying and fighting the good fight

with no idea what all this is for.

No clear footprint, no well-worn path

no idea where I am supposed to go.


Saturday, November 24, 2012


Wondering what forgiveness means

if it means there is no blame.

If there is nothing to be accountable to

if it’s just been washed away.

Wondering what to tell myself

to be able to let this go.

To leave the hurt and the broken pieces

of me lying there on the floor.

Listening to stories

of examples of divine grace.

Of walking through fire and burning alive

yet continuing boldly on.

I am hearing things I’ve never heard

saying things I’ve yet to say.

I am feeling naked and revealed

and the need to turn and run.

I feel like I have been seen

through to the very core.

Listening to the words that you say

and feeling them touch my soul.

I am trying to find my way out of this

this darkness, this horrible place.

I see a lifeline, I feel a hope

your words tangible, something to hold.

I am terrified of letting go

of the bad, awful memories.

They have anchored me here in this shadow

stuck just between broken and healed. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Push and Pull

It always starts with the push

from somewhere deep within.

From the smallest, tiniest part of me

the part that is trying to fight.

The push is surrounded by light

by good and the power it brings.

The push is the instigation

of taking forward steps.

The push is fragile and timid

weak and on unsteady legs.

The push is always in danger

of the inevitable pull.

The pull is dark and shadowed

it whispers and speaks in tongues.

It wears a mask of many faces

unrecognizable in many forms.

The pull is just what it sounds like

being grabbed from behind and tugged.

Backwards while you scramble

to remain upright, on two feet.

The pull sneaks in at the most opportune times

when fear and sadness reign.

Just when you need the push the most

the pull can steal you away.

Down darkened alleys and side streets

where no one can see where you’ve gone.

Into shadows, behind closed windows and doors

into places that no one belongs.

The pull is stronger than the push sometimes

and at moments like this I’m alone.

Feeling failed and fractured and hiding away

until I can push my way out again.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I Should Have Known...

I should have known what it felt like

to be ultimately on my own.

I should have known how my voice would sound

echoing through these rooms.

I should have known what loneliness was

before I knew it was what I would feel.

I should have known how you’d look to me

as I watched you walk away.

I thought that I knew what happiness was

and that I could love away.

The fear that I wasn’t enough for you

though I knew it all along.

I remember the day when I asked you

if you were sure you were choosing me.

I believed what you said because I needed to find

my own value in those words.

 I should have known then what I know now

that my worth was negated by you.

That I let your actions and your words

define my own self-worth.

I should have known and should have seen

and should have understood.

But I’d never been really and truly alone

until I gave everything up for you.

Now in this silence I think about

all the words I let you say.

The way I let you make me feel

and where that leaves me now.

It leaves me bitter and broken

it leaves me filled with regret.

It leaves me sick and angry at myself as well

as all of what I feel towards you.

I should have known this would happen

I think in all honesty I did.

I was just so afraid of where I would end up

because I knew it would be here.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Becoming someone else

Where do you put the broken pieces

that won’t fit back together again?

My pockets are full from picking them up

and carrying them along.

They’ve finally started to weigh me down

those pieces, cracked and worn.

They’ve slowed my forward motion

and are dragging me back down.

I’m trying to learn how to let them go

and leave them where they lay.

But it’s hard to watch the pieces of yourself

lying alone on the floor.

No one is there to protect them

or to try and help them heal.

Just discarded, forgotten and left behind

exactly the way I feel.

It’s hard to let the parts of me go

that dreamed and believed in love.

They’re so broken now and if I leave them behind

I fear I’ll never know them again.

So I hold on with one hand to the battered and worn

and with one hand I try to reach out.

To the future, to tomorrow, to beginning again

to becoming someone else.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Tired of being

I don’t dream in color anymore

it’s all very black and white.

Right and wrong good and bad

it’s either the truth or a lie.

I don’t believe in fairy tales

in magic or spinning webs.

The intricacy just confuses me now

and I get tangled up in the mess.

There is no speaking with rhythm

or using words that rhyme.

The music has gone from the sound of my voice

the words fall flat on the floor.

The smile has gone from my face

and the twinkle from my eye.

I paint on the grin I’m supposed to wear

to carry me through the day.

There is nothing driving me forward

nothing spurring me on.

The spring in my step is more like a limp

as each step is taken in vain.

I hate being broken, I hate being sore

I hate how those words define me.

I can’t pretend that I’m not dying a death

or that any of this suits me.

I’m angry and bitter and torn inside

the jagged parts needing repair.

I don’t know how to fix any of this

I’m so tired of being here.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Back Again

Where do you go

when you don’t know what to do?

Where do you turn

when you don’t know where to go?

Who do you call

when it all seems too much to take?

Where do you fall

when the weight is too much to bear?

Some days the light

just can’t get bright enough.

Some days the dark

is just too enticing to avoid.

Some days I fall

and I fall and fall again.

Some days I just give in

and then I drown.

I can’t seem to find

myself these days.

Can’t seem to feel

like I am home.

I can’t relax, can’t sit,

can’t breathe within this silence.

I just want to run

to anyone to keep from being alone.

It’s starting to feel like a cycle

and I have to break it.

But it’s stronger than me right now

and I just can’t seem to win.

Breaking under the weight

of living this illusion.

Cracking under the pressure

of pretending to be ok.

I need someone, a person,

to spend some time with.

I need to think of something

other than you.

You’re haunting my mind

like the demon you’ve become.

Torturing me with memories

of everything I want to forget.

I’m lost and spinning

trying to grab hold.

Of anything that will stop this

maddening whirl.

I’m trying to find a lifeline

in this storm.

I don’t know how to get myself

back again.