Thursday, November 29, 2012

Days like this

Some days there aren’t enough tears

to wash it away and make me feel clean.

Some days they just fall in vain

and leave stains upon the floor.

Sometimes I can’t find the words

to drown out the sound of your voice.

I cry and scream and wail

the sounds of dying aren’t enough.

Often times I think of you

and the memories are a mess.

Scattered pictures, phrases spoken

so many words unsaid.

Some days are days like this

when all of it feels like hell.

When words and tears and screaming out

just won’t take it away.

On days like this I run

until the air won’t fill my lungs.

Until my legs won’t carry me anymore

and I end up exhausted and spent.

On days like this I want to hide

away from light and sight and sound.

In darkness and silence and shadow

where nothing gets out or in.

On days like this I usually end up

just sitting and letting it pass.

It usually does before too long

it’s just on days like this.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Another Day

You learn what you are made of

when you find yourself in moments like these.

When the only thing that you know

is you’re doing the best that you can.

In long silent hours spent alone

when the quiet is just too loud.

When you run just to get away

from the voices in your own head.

Right now I can’t see the light

at the proverbial end of the tunnel.

I just know that from where I stand

things seem very dark.

I’m spinning in tight little circles

from one moment to the next.

With thoughts and things that need letting go

but then I’d have nothing to hold.

I’m wearing the face and dressing it up

in clothes that never fit.

My stature smaller, literally,

and figuratively smaller still.

Trying and trying and fighting the good fight

with no idea what all this is for.

No clear footprint, no well-worn path

no idea where I am supposed to go.


Saturday, November 24, 2012


Wondering what forgiveness means

if it means there is no blame.

If there is nothing to be accountable to

if it’s just been washed away.

Wondering what to tell myself

to be able to let this go.

To leave the hurt and the broken pieces

of me lying there on the floor.

Listening to stories

of examples of divine grace.

Of walking through fire and burning alive

yet continuing boldly on.

I am hearing things I’ve never heard

saying things I’ve yet to say.

I am feeling naked and revealed

and the need to turn and run.

I feel like I have been seen

through to the very core.

Listening to the words that you say

and feeling them touch my soul.

I am trying to find my way out of this

this darkness, this horrible place.

I see a lifeline, I feel a hope

your words tangible, something to hold.

I am terrified of letting go

of the bad, awful memories.

They have anchored me here in this shadow

stuck just between broken and healed. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Push and Pull

It always starts with the push

from somewhere deep within.

From the smallest, tiniest part of me

the part that is trying to fight.

The push is surrounded by light

by good and the power it brings.

The push is the instigation

of taking forward steps.

The push is fragile and timid

weak and on unsteady legs.

The push is always in danger

of the inevitable pull.

The pull is dark and shadowed

it whispers and speaks in tongues.

It wears a mask of many faces

unrecognizable in many forms.

The pull is just what it sounds like

being grabbed from behind and tugged.

Backwards while you scramble

to remain upright, on two feet.

The pull sneaks in at the most opportune times

when fear and sadness reign.

Just when you need the push the most

the pull can steal you away.

Down darkened alleys and side streets

where no one can see where you’ve gone.

Into shadows, behind closed windows and doors

into places that no one belongs.

The pull is stronger than the push sometimes

and at moments like this I’m alone.

Feeling failed and fractured and hiding away

until I can push my way out again.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I Should Have Known...

I should have known what it felt like

to be ultimately on my own.

I should have known how my voice would sound

echoing through these rooms.

I should have known what loneliness was

before I knew it was what I would feel.

I should have known how you’d look to me

as I watched you walk away.

I thought that I knew what happiness was

and that I could love away.

The fear that I wasn’t enough for you

though I knew it all along.

I remember the day when I asked you

if you were sure you were choosing me.

I believed what you said because I needed to find

my own value in those words.

 I should have known then what I know now

that my worth was negated by you.

That I let your actions and your words

define my own self-worth.

I should have known and should have seen

and should have understood.

But I’d never been really and truly alone

until I gave everything up for you.

Now in this silence I think about

all the words I let you say.

The way I let you make me feel

and where that leaves me now.

It leaves me bitter and broken

it leaves me filled with regret.

It leaves me sick and angry at myself as well

as all of what I feel towards you.

I should have known this would happen

I think in all honesty I did.

I was just so afraid of where I would end up

because I knew it would be here.


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Becoming someone else

Where do you put the broken pieces

that won’t fit back together again?

My pockets are full from picking them up

and carrying them along.

They’ve finally started to weigh me down

those pieces, cracked and worn.

They’ve slowed my forward motion

and are dragging me back down.

I’m trying to learn how to let them go

and leave them where they lay.

But it’s hard to watch the pieces of yourself

lying alone on the floor.

No one is there to protect them

or to try and help them heal.

Just discarded, forgotten and left behind

exactly the way I feel.

It’s hard to let the parts of me go

that dreamed and believed in love.

They’re so broken now and if I leave them behind

I fear I’ll never know them again.

So I hold on with one hand to the battered and worn

and with one hand I try to reach out.

To the future, to tomorrow, to beginning again

to becoming someone else.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Tired of being

I don’t dream in color anymore

it’s all very black and white.

Right and wrong good and bad

it’s either the truth or a lie.

I don’t believe in fairy tales

in magic or spinning webs.

The intricacy just confuses me now

and I get tangled up in the mess.

There is no speaking with rhythm

or using words that rhyme.

The music has gone from the sound of my voice

the words fall flat on the floor.

The smile has gone from my face

and the twinkle from my eye.

I paint on the grin I’m supposed to wear

to carry me through the day.

There is nothing driving me forward

nothing spurring me on.

The spring in my step is more like a limp

as each step is taken in vain.

I hate being broken, I hate being sore

I hate how those words define me.

I can’t pretend that I’m not dying a death

or that any of this suits me.

I’m angry and bitter and torn inside

the jagged parts needing repair.

I don’t know how to fix any of this

I’m so tired of being here.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Back Again

Where do you go

when you don’t know what to do?

Where do you turn

when you don’t know where to go?

Who do you call

when it all seems too much to take?

Where do you fall

when the weight is too much to bear?

Some days the light

just can’t get bright enough.

Some days the dark

is just too enticing to avoid.

Some days I fall

and I fall and fall again.

Some days I just give in

and then I drown.

I can’t seem to find

myself these days.

Can’t seem to feel

like I am home.

I can’t relax, can’t sit,

can’t breathe within this silence.

I just want to run

to anyone to keep from being alone.

It’s starting to feel like a cycle

and I have to break it.

But it’s stronger than me right now

and I just can’t seem to win.

Breaking under the weight

of living this illusion.

Cracking under the pressure

of pretending to be ok.

I need someone, a person,

to spend some time with.

I need to think of something

other than you.

You’re haunting my mind

like the demon you’ve become.

Torturing me with memories

of everything I want to forget.

I’m lost and spinning

trying to grab hold.

Of anything that will stop this

maddening whirl.

I’m trying to find a lifeline

in this storm.

I don’t know how to get myself

back again.