the words that go unspoken
are the ones to fear the most.
I know this intimately
because they are all I hear.
the tears that fall in the darkness
the ones no one ever sees.
are the rivers that become a raging flood
the one that is drowning me.
the sheer terror that I cannot name
that I am numbing all over again.
is savagely clawing its way
up from where it lay.
it had all been silenced long ago
gone to a place I never knew.
and quietly I went about my day
no words on my tongue.
slowly I began to speak
in a whisper, voice so small.
and in the passing of days
that voice grew bold and loud.
it’s texture and tone have changed
and I’m not sure it sounds like me.
at least not the me, that I knew
I’m not sure who this is.
but I want to silence her again
she is becoming all that I am.
a raging voice, tormented
with far too much to say.
in anyone else this would startle
alarm me as a big red flag.
but in me this is the par for this course
up and then down again.
I work this circle like it has corners
places in which to pause.
rebuild, tear down, break apart
then put it all back together again.
still each time it feels different
and in that, this is just like the rest.
only the voices are louder, the pain more aching
the intensity, more intense.
I know it doesn’t seem possible
to go any deeper than this.
but I took a respite with faces who knew me
and now I am back here again.
in this invisible world that I chose
this martyrdom of sorts.
paying a self-imposed penance
for always having been to blame.
splayed and exposed as always
just wishing to be seen.
yet making sure that I never am
gives me all of these reasons to bleed.