Careless Disregard

I’ve taken to starving my spirit

and my soul again.

taken to denying myself

a breath of life.

with a lack of giving

or any sort of understanding.

I’ve taken to placing all

of the blame on me.

I’m holding myself up against

some measure of reality.

that no one in real life

could ever live up to.

then tearing myself apart

for not meeting the bar.

that hurdle became a high jump

so long ago.

I hold grudges and make judgments

and place all levels of blame.

from where I hold court

in front of this mirrored glass.

reflections distorted

a twisted, wicked gaze.

the face that I see

is too much the way that I feel.

what is it that I expect

myself to do?

some trick, some masterful twist

some bending of light.

to change the way that I see

things from the outside looking in.

from the inside looking out

it’s a different sight.

from here I see things

with fear and disillusion.

not what I’m not

more what I think I can never be.

from the outside it is

what I should have become.

from the inside this self-doubt

is killing me.

blinding like a pain

that cannot be escaped.

raging like a war

that cannot be won.

I would never treat anyone

with such careless disregard.

why is it that this

is all that I give myself?