Careless Disregard

I’ve taken to starving my spirit

and my soul again.

taken to denying myself

a breath of life.

with a lack of giving

or any sort of understanding.

I’ve taken to placing all

of the blame on me.

I’m holding myself up against

some measure of reality.

that no one in real life

could ever live up to.

then tearing myself apart

for not meeting the bar.

that hurdle became a high jump

so long ago.

I hold grudges and make judgments

and place all levels of blame.

from where I hold court

in front of this mirrored glass.

reflections distorted

a twisted, wicked gaze.

the face that I see

is too much the way that I feel.

what is it that I expect

myself to do?

some trick, some masterful twist

some bending of light.

to change the way that I see

things from the outside looking in.

from the inside looking out

it’s a different sight.

from here I see things

with fear and disillusion.

not what I’m not

more what I think I can never be.

from the outside it is

what I should have become.

from the inside this self-doubt

is killing me.

blinding like a pain

that cannot be escaped.

raging like a war

that cannot be won.

I would never treat anyone

with such careless disregard.

why is it that this

is all that I give myself?

 

 

distortion

does the frustration finally hit you

when you can’t see yourself in the glass?

when the mirror’s image does not reflect

the way you see yourself.

maybe that distortion is real

and not just the jagged shards.

of where you let your fist strike the mirror

that would not show your face.

bend and twist and turn yourself

as the reflection is so far skewed.

the fragments and shattered pieces

shining at every corner of the room.

and still you cannot see

anything that resembles yourself.

maybe it’s time to stop looking

and just accept what it is you see.

she’s selfish that one whose image

is shimmering back at you.

and in that she’s lost all her shine

a dull image that stares you in the face.

she’s bitter as well and that taste is evident

in that grimace where a smile once was.

grown hateful from the inside yet it’s coming out

she can’t hide it for very long.

angry too, she wears this feeling

like a cloak thrown over her back.

its weight is heavy and drags her down

but she carries it in spite of herself.

she judges, she stares, she covets

and she has lost all sight of herself.

raging and tearing herself apart

from the inside, she’s coming undone.

how did this happen, when did she fall

so utterly far away.

from the heart that once loved so openly

with a capacity she’d never seen.

when did she let herself die inside

to the point that she can’t hide.

the bitterness seeping out of her pores

and leaving visible stains.