I have never been very good
at putting myself on display.
Exposing weakness or standing in front
of someone who may see me fall.
With you it was the same status quo
as you unfolded your tale.
Of how no one ever took care of you
and you had to do everything.
We created in me the idea
that I had to be all those things for you.
To pick you up and carry you
whenever you fell down.
In that, the space where I could fall
was taken from my grasp.
The place where I could ‘try myself on’
never did exist.
With things like trust and deception
being shaken at their core.
The feeling of safety was taken as well
and it really never returned.
So now on my own I am trying to learn
how to step out of that shell.
To take chances and risks and put myself in places
where someone might see who I am.
Maybe I am not strong enough
to keep up with the crowd.
Maybe my pace will still get me there
and it won’t look like I failed.
Maybe no one will judge me
the way I have always felt judged.
By you, but really, mostly be me
I’ve never felt good enough.
For such a long time I tried to be
what you said you needed from me.
What I never said was what I needed from you
they were the things that I gave away.
I needed you to love me
whether I was weak or strong.
Whether I got back up when I fell down
or stayed there until I could.
I needed you to believe in me
and I never felt like you did.
When I stopped standing up for what mattered to me
I stopped believing in myself.
We were such a bad match from the very start
and I wish I hadn’t loved you so much.
So I could have stood up all the times that I should have
but I loved you more than I loved me.
So I come away now to this place on my own
with no idea of who I am.
Only knowing that I will never again be
who I became while I was with you.