Who I Am

I have never been very good

at putting myself on display.

Exposing weakness or standing in front

of someone who may see me fall.

With you it was the same status quo

as you unfolded your tale.

Of how no one ever took care of you

and you had to do everything.

We created in me the idea

that I had to be all those things for you.

To pick you up and carry you

whenever you fell down.

In that, the space where I could fall

was taken from my grasp.

The place where I could ‘try myself on’

never did exist.

With things like trust and deception

being shaken at their core.

The feeling of safety was taken as well

and it really never returned.

So now on my own I am trying to learn

how to step out of that shell.

To take chances and risks and put myself in places

where someone might see who I am.

Maybe I am not strong enough

to keep up with the crowd.

Maybe my pace will still get me there

and it won’t look like I failed.

Maybe no one will judge me

the way I have always felt judged.

By you, but really, mostly be me

I’ve never felt good enough.

For such a long time I tried to be

what you said you needed from me.

What I never said was what I needed from you

they were the things that I gave away.

I needed you to love me

whether I was weak or strong.

Whether I got back up when I fell down

or stayed there until I could.

I needed you to believe in me

and I never felt like you did.

When I stopped standing up for what mattered to me

I stopped believing in myself.

We were such a bad match from the very start

and I wish I hadn’t loved you so much.

So I could have stood up all the times that I should have

but I loved you more than I loved me.

So I come away now to this place on my own

with no idea of who I am.

Only knowing that I will never again be

who I became while I was with you.