Rebuilding what I lost

Rebuilding, rethinking, reshaping

a life that was already formed.

A life that was built out of love and desire

a life that no longer exists.

I’ve never been more alone,

more lost, more broken down.

I’ve never tried harder

to pretend that I’m ok.

Fake it ‘til you make it

create the illusion that you are well.

Make it look from the outside

the way you want the inside to feel.

I can’t remember anything now

from the life that we once lived.

I can only hold on to the way I was hurt

so I don’t miss you every day.

I still can’t believe that this happened

can’t believe that you didn’t love me.

But the truth is you didn’t and I accepted less

when that’s all you ever gave.

The day that I let you take me for granted

changed forever, the shape of our life.

It changed you, it changed me, and it set the tone

for what ultimately tore us apart.

Why did I take you back

after you turned to someone else?

Without question, without hesitation,

because you said you had made a mistake.

The mistake was mine because you knew

 that was the one thing that mattered to me.

But in the face of standing up for me

I folded and gave myself away.

I know now that it changed what I thought of myself

and clearly what you thought of me.

You broke everything in me that believed in you

and we were never the same again.

In spite of it all, I surrendered

I loved you with all that I had.

In spite of me, you did it again

and walked away with all that I lost.