Onward

I never wanted to do this thing alone

I never wanted any of this for me.

I’d given up long before you came along

and only with you did I want to live again.

That was the mistake that we both made

we both knew the shape that I was in.

But you, as always, needed to be needed

and need you was definitely what I did.

I needed you so much that I let you betray my trust

I let you take me for granted and let you come home.

I let you do it a second time and this time you didn’t come back

and I wasn’t strong enough to leave you first.

Things are different now and I’ve grown that hardened shell

that wall that will prevent this ever happening again.

I’ve learned what I am made of and all of it is me

although I still don’t want this I can act as if I do.

Maybe after time I will believe it

“fake it ‘til you make it” and act “as if”.

Maybe from the outside things look like all is well

but inside is still a broken bloody mess.

It’s fine it doesn’t matter now as I venture off again

in search of whatever comes my way.

I can’t think of anything that I really want from this

other than just to get away from here.

Away from you and her and the chance that I might have to see

the two of you together, I’ve seen enough.

This really is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made

there is nothing left of the life that we once shared.

So onward I go and leave you here  in this place

my ring in the river and here it will always be.

The fairy tale I dreamed of, the dream that never came true,

the heart that broke and never really healed.