Somewhere afterward

 

The pain isn’t gone it’s only just receded

into a slightly less invasive shade of numb.

The edges are softer, not quite as sharp as they were

most days, at least, most of that is true.

The quiet is louder now than ever before

and I can hear things I never wish I knew.

The accepting of the fact that I am just a dreamer

and that you never really loved me is ever clear.

I wished for so long and now I remember those feelings

wished that you loved me like you always said you did.

But it never translated into how I needed to feel

after the first few weeks, I never felt it again.

That’s what I was chasing all along

but could never really put it into words.

The empty grew until it was all that I was

I just didn’t realize how small it made me feel.

I tried to fill the empty from the outside

with food and drink and work and whatever else.

But all I ever wanted was the feeling that you loved me

even half as much as I knew that I loved you.

It turned me bitter towards you after time

after I gave and gave you everything I had.

It was all about you and for you and what you wanted

I always thought I was going to get my chance.

My chance never came and now I’m alone

while just across town you walked into another life.

When I think about what you did I don’t ever want to feel again

it’s all I can do to put those things down on this page.

The walls will stay high forever going forward

I’ll never give myself away again.

Never give anyone the power to take everything away

without my wants or needs meaning anything.