the thing is...

we stood face to face

on a crowded busy street

I could see nothing but his eyes

staring straight into me

he looked at me

 like he could see through me

like my skin was cellophane

 stretched over bone

he leaned his head against mine

and he listened

as if he could hear

the blood course through my veins

as if time had stopped

for everything but this moment

as if all the world

had gone silent just for him

he held me at arm’s length

with his head turned sideways

like a child who doesn’t understand

what you just said

he put his hands

on both sides of my face

and drew me once again

back into him

I couldn’t understand

his strange reaction

the look of pain

that stretched across his face

his insistent stare

his tender touch upon me

the way he was turning pages

to get to the heart of me

I pulled away from him

and took a step

with one hand on my shoulder

he simply asked,

‘why would you laugh

when you ask me a question like that?’

the thing is,

I don’t remember what I asked. 

 

Maybe

maybe there is somewhere out there

where it is safe to take down the wall

somewhere where the sun feels warm

instead of like a spotlight

maybe there are moments in time

that will forever stand still

that will give me time to put words in place

and actually speak them out loud

maybe there are secrets

that will one day be safe to tell

where there will be no fear and no shame

just a warm comfort and peace

maybe I could believe

in the face that I see in the glass

and never falter and never waiver

but stand with grace and ease

maybe there is a place

where the song will burst from within

where my soul will shine like a beacon

and light my darkest night

maybe there is a love out there

sshhh, don’t say it too loud

don’t let anyone hear those words

the hope is still so small

maybe there is someone

who is waiting to hear my words

to listen and understand them

and then share theirs with me

maybe there is a dream

that I can still fall into

as sleep wraps herself around me

and takes me off into the night

maybe I haven’t forgotten

how things like this should feel

and how to respond when it happens

and not end up looking a fool

maybe this and maybe that

and maybe all of this

is just the illusion that takes me through

another lonely day.

The Quilt

Last night I awoke at 3 am

cold and all alone.

I got up and found the quilt that you made

and brought it back to bed.

I wrapped myself up in its warm embrace

and pretended it was your arms.

I know it’s crazy but at 3 am

who’s rational anyway?

It took you 2 years to make this quilt

working while I wasn’t home.

Stitching your heart into every seam

I still can feel that now.

You always said I was the hardest person

to buy a gift for.

Well, that was true and this was the best gift

you ever gave to me.

So I laid there for a while

until I fell back into sleep.

I dreamt of you as I so often do

I miss that smile on your face.

This morning I am listening to the rain

and it’s quiet steady song.

It feels like the tears I can no longer cry

yet I still can’t seem to move on.

On Valentine’s Day I told you I missed you

and that I hoped you’d found happiness.

You said thank you and hoped that I had too

this was the best end to us.

I can’t forget all the dreams that we shared

and I just can’t let them go.

Despite all the was wrong between us

I still feel moments like this.

 

 

 

The Journey To Alone

Trip the Poem Fantastic (Poetics)

dVerse~ poets Pub

So, the prompt today is to write a poem

arising out of the notion of a trip—

This poem was inspired by the movie Into The Wild.

The story of Christopher McCandless' travels to Alaska on a personal journey.

The last line was a quote taken from his journal and really the culmination of his "trip". If you've seen the movie, the scene where he writes this in his book

is nothing short of life changing. It's an amazing story.

When the adventure began it was simple

a solo flight into finding the self.

A trip into the wild, the desert, life

destination truly unknown.

It began upon a road less travelled

the easy way was not how this would go.

There were mysteries great and small

 and an endless array of wonder to behold.

This journey was about postcards

along the way.

It was pictures that would end up

in the pages of books.

It was about journals and thoughts

and slowly coming to terms.

It was about rediscovering

or maybe just discovering.

At stops along the way

connections were made.

Once formed, testing the

limits of the resolve.

Pushing ever forward

in the quest unto the self.

Nothing could ease the pull

of moving on.

The point was to be free from restraint

  to be apart from everyone and everything.

But in the end the lesson came down to just one thing

“Happiness only real when shared.”

Not Meant To Hold

Reminiscing in stories on pages

in tears rolling down my cheek.

Holding thoughts in my fists

thinking that will keep them with me.

Remembering you, remembering all

of the loves that have long since passed.

Remembering who I was with them

and who I feel like I am now.

I feel like I live behind a veil

never truly seen.

Not quite heard or understood

intention misconstrued.

I feel often mute and deaf and dumb

yet my senses are fully alive.

Too alive sometimes it seems

the nerve is always raw.

The memories are broken now

and blurry I’m sure, I know.

But I keep them close to my heart

the place where they always were.

My dreams are so vivid lately

so alive with the ones I have loved.

It almost like they’re coming to say goodbye

does this mean I am moving on?

The ones who have held my heart for years

and who I still see from behind that veil.

They look happy in those photo frames

with the ones that they love now.

I don’t think I’m meant to have and to hold

just to heal and teach them to fly.

To tend to broken wings

and toss them back into the air.

I watch from an empty nest

as I remain here alone.

I just don’t think I’m meant to hold

anything I’ve ever loved.

 

I Am (made of heart)

I am made of heart

and that’s all you need to know.

I am the stuff of fables, the stuff of legend

the stuff that fills your dreams.

I am the knight who rides the white horse

the poet who whispers words.

I am the voice behind the song

the softly sings you to sleep.

I am the one who comes to you in the night

and takes away your fear.

I am the maker of magic and fill your heart

with the laughter of a child.

I am the one you call to

when your heart can’t find its way.

I am the one, who once you are found,

you send away again.

I am forever like the sands of time

and once you are in my heart.

I am the one like no one else

who will never let you go.

I am pure and I am true

and I bleed from every wound.

I am raw and I am naked

so that you can see who I am.

I am darkness sometimes as well

but I know all the shadows by name.

I am the one who will keep you safe

when they are up to their tricks again.

I am always and I am forever

and once you knew this too.

I am filled with the depth and breadth

of the size and shape of my heart.

I feed that heart with everything

that it ever hungers for.

I am bound to sustain it, for it sustains me

and it always asks for more.

I have only honor and integrity

to carry me through this life.

I will stand up for the right

to let my heart be true.

I will take you and once you are there

this will always be your home.

I will tend to the place when you are gone

though I know you will never return.

 

The Red Sky

Another really old song, probably 25 years...

 

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/aka_andrea/the-red-sky

 

 

 

 

The torrid sun burns my eyes

as night becomes the day.

I feel the heat, I have no shield

I try to get away.

 

Run until my legs have failed

crawl upon my knees.

Dragging myself forward

I try to reach the trees.

 

I lie beneath the branches

to escape the angry sky.

Wait for the sun to leave

it waits for me to die.

 

 

The heat of the sun is burning

every inch of my pale skin.

I don’t know what this is

but I won’t let it win.

 

I walk out into the sun

shade my eyes from the light.

I cover up my skin

prepare myself to fight.

 

The torrid sun burns my eyes

as night becomes the day.

I feel the heat, I have no shield

I try to get away.

Run until my legs have failed

crawl upon my knees.

Dragging myself forward

I try to reach the trees.

 



New

This is an old song, from March 2004. Just put it up on Soundcloud. Can't wait to get these songs recorded 'for real'!

 

 

https://soundcloud.com/aka_andrea/new-1

 

 

 

There was something, something in me broken

something crawled away and died.

A lost soul wandering down streets that had no name

the angel looked at me and cried, I wish you were new.

 

She said, I see that you are dying

that you have given up this fight.

You have succumbed to all the bitterness and hate

and you have walked away from life.

I wish you were new.

 

There was a moment when I heard you whisper~

There was a moment when I heard you scream~

And as I lay down on the broken pieces

I closed my eyes into a dream where I was new.

 

When I woke up the next morning

with ashes covering my skin.

The walls had fallen all around me

but the brightest sun was shining in

and I felt new.

 

In the moment when I heard you whisper~

In the moment when I heard you scream~

As I lay down all the broken pieces~

I took back my right to dream

and I was new.