A story that must be told

I’m sitting on this wooden porch

fingers tapping on keys.

Leaving all of the parts of my naked soul

as evidence on this page.

The wind is lazily finding its way

through the leaves upon the trees.

Rocking them slowly back and forth

as it they were part of my dreams.

It is quiet, mostly, but the seabirds sing

and the squirrels are out on their hunt.

I am perched on this deck, in this chair

letting the words simply come.

I am trying to write you away, you see

trying to let the stories tell themselves.

Let the words weave the tale as it happened

without having a point of view.

But I can’t seem to speak without a voice

or in a voice that is not my own.

I only know what happened to me

and that is where my story begins.

I may write the chapters out of order

because it ended before it began.

What started out as the tale of a lifetime

will forever be just a few pages long.

Contained in those pages are all of the elements

to hold the reader rapt.

But I am still wrapped in the throes of the tale

and cannot tell it quite clearly yet.

So in pictures and flashes and moments

I will unveil the lessons I’ve learned.

I will release the heartbreak and fill the pages

of a story that must be told.

Road Map

In your mind’s eye

there will be things that you cannot see.

In the echo of your ear

things that you cannot hear.

There will be moments that will

quietly take you away from this place.

Like floating on a cloud

for at least that moment in time.

There will be daydreams and

dreams that keep you awake at night.

Things you’d never say

when the sun has come up for the day.

But all of these things

make up who you really are.

Don’t forget to let them

speak in their own voice.

You are who you are

and that is your only truth.

You love recklessly and without

the slightest of hesitation,

You don’t know how to do this

any other way.

And that is why

you always end up here.

You have tried shutting the doors

and keeping the shades tightly drawn.

But those damn sparkles

keep finding their way in!

Dazzling you and leading you

down paths and twisting roads.

Then leaving you lost and dazed

by the side of the road.

So grab that map

that you keep in your back pocket.

It’s time once again

to find your way back home.

Voiding Color

It’s time to scrape my palette clean

I won’t be painting rainbows again.

I’m going back to black and white

and subtle shades of grey.

I will dip my brush in turpentine

until all trace of color is gone.

My skill at painting beauty

is better left to lines on a page.

Black and white for clarity

on a grey canvas is all I need.

Color just confuses me

and makes the words harder to see.

I don’t understand the colors

they are too much for me to take.

I prefer the simple light and dark

the unblurred wrong and right.

This room has been filled with red for days

a raw and bleeding heart.

An anger and a frustration

the will never be expressed.

It was blue for a time and I mistook

the cool for comfort and safe.

It is actually cold and hard

like water when it freezes.

The yellow I saw as the warmth of the sun

is now just emotionless and stale.

It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable

like a dusty desert day.

Green was by far the worst of all

I was dazzled by its shine.

The twinkle, the shimmer, the mystical eye

but it has another side.

Jealousy and envy come in green as well

shade and tone often blend.

Making it hard to truly see

what color any of it is.

I prefer my shadows, my ghosts, my whispers

although they haunt me as they always have.

At least I know them all by name

and know exactly what to expect.

Adventure is not all it’s cracked up to be

nothing ventured, nothing gained, I know.

But also no more loss to bear

confusion made to feel.

All of my patterns come in the colors

that I have left here on this floor.

The soft curving lines that lead me astray

I will never understand.

 



 

 

getting outside of myself

the pain in my heart is searing

it’s dropped me to my knees.

I never thought I’d ever hear

good-bye fall from your lips.

the silence here is deafening

over taking this room.

I am walking around talking to myself

just to hear a sound.

after hours and hours alone

tearing myself to shreds.

I called my brother and asked him to listen

I just needed to say the words.

I needed to hear that I wasn’t the monster

I have made myself out to be.

I needed to hear it from him

he truly knows who I am.

he said, I don’t believe in right and wrong anymore

I just believe in timing.

and this just wasn’t the time

for you to be where you were.

take it for what is was, he said,

look how it made you feel!

tell that story with happiness

that it ever existed at all.

maybe the reason was not what you thought

maybe she was just a gift.

to teach you how to feel again

after all that you’ve been through.

don’t let this derail you

keep the story close to your heart.

see it for what it gave you

not what it took away.

this was not the time is all

this was not the place.

to lay your heart down openly

at someone else’s feet.

I Want

I want to taste the deepest

quietest parts of you.

I want you to let yourself flow

over me like rain.

I want to savor the texture of

what I discover within.

I want to feel your breath on my ear

as you say my name.

I want to trace lines upon your skin

with the tips of my fingers.

I want you to feel through my touch

the way that I feel about you.

I want to touch your lips with mine

while you are speaking.

I want to inhale your words

and take them into me.

I want to breathe your breath

and breathe mine back into you.

I want to be so close

that I actually hear your heart beat.

I want wrap you in the cradle of my arms

and hold you while you give yourself to me.

I want to listen to your voice enraptured

delighted by the sounds that you release.

I want to take you deep inside of me

and see your eyes light up as you recognize me.

 

The Absence of Her

In the place where I once heard her voice

there is only silence.

Where her laughter once lit my day

it is decidedly dark.

In the places where we shared our words

the pages are still just blank.

The echoes still linger

of all that fell from her lips.

Was it too much, too intense,

too real for us to be?

We got caught up in the rhythm

and were blessed to feel.

There was something there between us

that I still cannot explain.

This will be a story I’ll recall

and retell with a gentle smile.

I feel her absence deeply

a hole within my chest.

I’m shaken at the pain

at the loss of her.

I’m drifting through the memories

like pages in a book.

There was so much we shared

so much that I will forever hold.

I’ll hold her in my heart

thankful for the gift.

Knowing full well

what I lost at the sound of good~bye.

Sobering Thoughts

I can’t even stand the sight of myself

can’t hear the sound of my voice.

I can’t bear to sit here with me

I just want disappear.

How can I think that I don’t deserve

to be feeling the pain of these wounds.

I just want to tear them deeper

and let the rivers flow.

The fault of this is heavy

I can hardly bear its weight.

I am having trouble breathing

I have to keep reminding myself.

The shame I feel has a texture

wrapping me up in its weave.

The threads like pinpoints scratching

and scraping my skin as it burns.

The guilt that I feel is a presence

filling up this empty room.

Taking away all comfort and safety

and threatening to eat me alive.

I hate myself right now

with a ferocity I can’t describe.

I am sick and disgusted with what I have done

how I let this go so far.

When did my integrity

become so flexible and grey?

When did my need to fill my needs

become worth more than that to me?

When did I become the person

that I feel like I am today?

Someone who masquerades

as someone who stands tall.

I am awful and selfish and evil

and for that I am again alone.

Wishing there was some way to turn back time

I know where I went wrong.

  

lost

interlaced, intertwined, connected

rooted deep, dug into the earth.

stretched between two places in time

yet similar battles have been undertaken.

fighting for the heart, fighting for the soul

fighting for the need to do what’s right.

fighting for truth, fighting for belief

fighting for the things that matter most.

separated now for reasons that seem unfair

gives a slightly surreal feeling to this day.

but real it is and deep it hurts

the pain, the driving force behind it all.

trying to understand just where the road bent

and sent me blindly running down this path.

chasing after what laid itself out before me

on this road I seem to have lost my way.

my compass and my maps are still intact

so I don’t understand just how I got so lost.

my skill at navigation always strong

has wavered and I’m not sure where I am.

dizzily spinning and tripping over everything

that comes across my path upon this road.

knees scratched and bleeding from the falling

over and over and over and over again.

I don’t know how to change direction now

to choose another path, a different road.

I never thought I’d find myself in a place

where everything was as beautiful as this.

but I’m not supposed to be here

and I have to find my own way home.

my own four walls need to protect me

and keep me safe.

Separate

I awaken again disheveled

everything all askew.

including me all wrapped up

in these feelings of missing you.

I have heard those sounds again all night long.

the sounds of you calling out.

but now I know that it’s just me

calling out to you.

I mistook the things you said

the things I felt when I heard your words.

to be the same things that I was saying to you

that’s the problem sometimes with words.

tone and texture, are hard to discern

though I thought I heard your voice.

but I guess I heard what I wanted to hear

in every word you said.

so slowly I will unravel

untwist myself from this mess.

unwind, unfurl what has become unhinged

and tighten it all up again.

reattach the latches

that keep everything in place.

tighten the screws and turn the keys

and keep everything where it belongs.

in here safe from misconception

from the things I just can’t understand.

it’s ironic isn’t it, that I am the one

who got all of this so wrong.

with all that you know and have learned

you know that this is what I must do.

to find my way back to myself

and out of this place I now stand.

some of this is yours

and some of this is mine.

we made the mistake of mixing it all

together and letting it grow.

into something that had a life of its own

but wasn’t supposed to be.

but now that thing must be tended to

and slowly rocked back to sleep.

where it can lie quietly alone

where it is to remain.

where it can be at peace again

and won’t bother us anymore.

there will be strings and strings of words

that will form the bridge to me.

the things that will connect me again

to what right now is lost.

read all of those words one more time

and understand why this is.

how it happened, what went wrong

don’t make that same mistake again.

I know where I went

and where I have to go now.

I’m going to miss you for a little while

but I’ll see you once again.