…ADDICTION
FEELS…
head fuzzy
and aching
body hot and cold
sweat sticky
and clinging
the scent of
something stale
swollen thick
fingers
hands that
start to shake
a stutter a
tremor
uncoordinated
movement
resolve
challenged
intention
unresolved
panic uninvited
terror taking
reign
silence
ringing echoes
buzzing in my
ears
spinning
spinning spinning
reaction –
sitting still
stillness
feels like motion
the action
just to cease
to stop the
constant spiraling
down to the
abyss
palpable
absurdity
as seen from
the outside
as I am
simply sitting here
with my eyes
tightly closed
internal
combustion
turmoil
rampant
chemical
combinations
violent
explosions!
- exhale again -
- pressure
released –
-breathing
slows-
-air chills
my skin-
nice how you bring us down there in the end with the inhale exhale...i know this...smiles... palpable absurdity...true that...and feeling a bit out of body as well in it and parts of this....
ReplyDeleteNot so bad when you know you can win. When you've already proven you're stronger. There's way too much amazing creating in you to fall for the same old tricks again. You got this. You know this. And that...is just how very real and amazing this piece is!
ReplyDeleteThis was very well written, I think it helps one truly feel what it's like. Description is key and as I read it I felt as though I myself was going through it. Very well done!
ReplyDeleteI often write it down when I am struggling also; though far less eloquently. I know that helps me through the tough times; almost as much as knowing that folks are concerned about your struggles. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteSublimation of our pain into art is the highest form of soul expression. You are there. You take us into the abyss of pain but through a beautiful work of art. That Kid, is recovery! Keep writing. Your Art will not only help you but those coming behind you and those of us who have walked before you. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteheck...vivid description andrea..i can relate to the feel as well and glad about the peacefulness in the end with the inhale-- exhale and the pressure realeasing
ReplyDeleteAndrea--The small steps, walking away from the abyss, seem like small movement against something bigger than we are, but really, they are not. Each step moves you further away.
ReplyDeleteI really felt this... the anxiety building then the inhale and exhale...calming down one more episode beaten which makes you stronger... and as Susan has said each step moves you further away, a terrific write you really bring this to life with great descriptions... Well done!
ReplyDelete"Palpable absurdity" - it is shocking what inner turmoil/combustion can take place inside us, with no one else aware, but then there's the miracle of the breath and how it can ground us. I felt my own anxieties in this, although I as well as exhaling will also suck on a lollipop for comfort...whatever it takes to get through : ) Great, intense, write!
ReplyDeleteSometimes in the middle of the night, it hits. That slow fire of anxiety that would keep you awake at night.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful you included suggestions for a cure to bring it down.
So well articulated, so well written - it helps to know it is something shared.
Very vividly described, very emotional and intense. I wish you the best of luck, hope and deep breathing in this struggle.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that I follow you down in that spiral and actually my heart start beating harder when I read this. I hope that the downwards spiraling can stop..... there are always people out there that can lend a hand when you are at your loneliest.
ReplyDeleteYou have depicted it well, kind of reliving it, fighting it and finally emerging victorious!there is hope at the end to begin well again
ReplyDeleteGoodness, this is a powerful write. Lots of alliteration, great wordplay. Rich and intense.
ReplyDeleteThe combination of stupor and panic here is very real and palpable. Well- conveyed. K.
ReplyDeleteThis is Manicddaily -http://Manicddaily. Wordpress.com. Sometimes blogger only lets me post with an old blogger account. K.
You share your experience well! ...My head actually spun as I read it :D (No Jokes!)
ReplyDeleteFor me this was a literally spine-tingling read; it speaks so powerfully of the desperation to not succumb to temptation, but also of the real struggle to not actually give in. Writing like this deserves to be more widely read.
ReplyDeleteWow. This is really powerful. It draws the reader in and makes you experience the poem. Good work!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much.
ReplyDeleteWonderful poem... I remember all too well those feelings and am so grateful I don't have to live like that anymore. There is hope. Always. My "high" today involves living and loving life... freedom from that hell. If you ever want to talk, my email is lkkolpbmt@yahoo.com.
ReplyDeleteThere's a palpable tension and conflict in this. Short clipped lines that capture the limited focus that occurs in the wanting of addiction and then those lines are soothed by the release. Nicely done, keep writing, keep sharing, keep telling your tale in the way that only you can. :)
ReplyDeleteI was there and glad I'm out of it, although not addicted per se, certainly had a rollercoaster ride of many years. Now my "addiction" is mental illness, you know, treat it the same way. But I remember the sweats, the piss chills of an acid trip, the muted palette of the world on shrooms... this is so vivid, it took me back there. Hope this is not your daily norm, babe, and that you are able to "look BACK in "languor" as do I, treating addiction like a bubble that's "over there" for inspection and even inspiration, once you are out of the clutches.
ReplyDeleteAmazing writing. To the bone amazing. Peace, Amy
Telling it like it is, you let each of us know, feel, the pain and challenge of that first day (or more) in the one-day-at-a-time journey. And, with wisdom, you acknowledge the value of the breath, focusing on the breath. Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in. Breathe out. Pay all your attention there and the breath will guide you back to wellness. Fabulous write, Andrea. Supporting you in your efforts!!!!
ReplyDeletethis gave me chills. I've gone through some of this. Probably more than I remember or would admit.
ReplyDeletePowerful, visceral poem. And the demons are still waiting around the corner.
Thank you for this. I need to remember and it will help.
Hugs,
Lady Nyo
I believe it's a good thing to release things via our writing. Too often, we allow our troubles to fester within, and this only compounds the situation. An excellent write, Andrea!
ReplyDeleteHaving an addiction is such a painfully hard thing to overcome until one reaches a low of all lows...how brave of you to write about it and share how it really feels to be under its control. Getting it on paper (on line) in such a powerful poem is a great accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteI'd never make it through the battles in this life without my pen...I say writing has saved me again and again. Continues to do so. You keep writing, my friend. Never fear sharing from the real. In it we overcome, and will not be undone.
ReplyDeleteAndrea ... well, very good poem! So you are better and writing this, correct?! Although I have never felt the tides of chemical addiction I have felt the tides of emotional elements swirling through me with no answers because none were known. In that lies the answer ... sometimes there is none. Time is the only answer. So that is good you've escaped the pill or alcohol factory of never ending nothingness. This poem reminds me of a scenario when I was a nurse in training and working at the psyche ward. My patient had just arrived and she was in the throes of depression ... a catatonic state. Imagine just sitting there with her and letting her talk, not knowing what to say. Your poem is the catatonic state and something or someone led you out, maybe yourself. Thanks. I hope to write more poetry after I finish this book I'm writing. Maybe I can write as well as you and express emotions and pain, because I certainly understand it. gardenlilie.com
ReplyDeletethis writing is powerful. I felt your message, even though I have not had the same experience.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to the sensations of panic and anxiety. Thanks so much for sharing your journey here~your courage will help many that suffer from addiction. You did a tremendous job walking us through the feelings of addiction and at times I was having trouble breathing. Very well written.
ReplyDeleteThe way you express this draws me right into the experience. It takes such courage to go through these moments and emerge with the belief that you're stronger. I've worked with addiction throughout my life, both with people I love and as a nurse. I think it is, many times, a gift for those who are able to accept it and the programs to help. When I was in management, I always said if I had the choice to make in hiring between two equally qualified employees, I would go for the one who was in recovery. My two novels both deal with this struggle. Thanks for sharing this, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a gripping piece. A tough experience vividly recorded. I wish I had something inspiring to say to you about addiction and overcoming it, but I feel mute and ignorant. My struggles have been very different. But what helped me in them was the thought that whatever you have to do, you can do. God gives us the means to overcome. God bless you
ReplyDeleteAs they often say, "Bring in the poets to do the heavy lifting." This was a stirring & dizzying ride and you pulled it off flawlessly. Addictions come to us from all directions & dimensions, and withdrawal can never be easy.
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing! Pulling me through the throes of panic and pain to exhale and reach the other side. A very emotional powerful piece.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on this wonderful vocation!!!!
ReplyDeleteMany people fail to appreciate what addiction and withdrawal can be like for the body. Its important that this message gets out there. People suffering from addiction need our support and sympathy.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful work of art, if it can reach just one person you have made a huge difference.
ReplyDeleteVery visceral and intense, which makes it work perfectly in form and content... I like the feeling that you come out the other side with that exhale, made it through, one more time.
ReplyDeleteBe well my friend... there are many who think the world of you.... smiles....i had never been into such situation in life but i am no ignorant of the feeling somehow.... you are inspiring and brave to lay bare your sensitive soul to the world... smiles...
ReplyDeleteaka_andrea The resiliency of my own soul has astounded me these last three years. I didn't know how I was going to find hope again after a perfect storm of personal tragedy. Slowly, ever so slowly, each day, breathing in and out. Reading, writing, meditating, roller skating, stopping to listen to the five year old inside me that knew better than anyone else what i needed. Hope slowly began to creep back in. I still have days of sorrow but I have more days of happiness and I can feel hope. I have let the world back into my life.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that I found that spoke to me the most on my journey was a simple card. It said, "Remember who you were before the world told you who you were supposed to be? Remember her."
These may not be the words that speak best to you but you will find them for yourself because you won't stop looking. I can tell. I see in your writing that you have a girl inside you to remember. Someone who knows best for you, still knows best for you. Your inner strength is determined to win. You will discover what needs to be repaired or removed in order for you to be in charge again and you will be strong. Once you do this I don't think anything will threaten your world again.
In the meantime, I'm sending you all of my peace and light. Let these words be a candle to light your way.
Intensely written Andrea - the panic and then the release.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and wishing you well.
Anna :o]
Thank you for sharing this with us. I've never felt the pain and panic and sensory hell painted accurately and orchestrated with the energy inherent to addiction and craving and withdrawal and seeking, yearning until a friend directed me here. I'm grateful for her and you and this piece. Reading this is nearly cathartic and the aftermath soothing as I know now that in my darkest most painful moments, you were there too. You are not alone. Sending love and light in thanks for this clarity. Peace.
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