penance

there continues to be consequences

for feeling things like this.

for crossing lines and boundaries

that you know are wrong.

there continues to be pain

that sweeps across your heart like a brush.

leaving simple stains in textured strokes

that will dry and crack with time.

there is karma and there is penance

yet it is only you who pays.

never ending and repeatedly

will these days ever end?
there is the realization

hard and cold, visceral in tone.

coming from the center of you

and threatening to tear you apart.

there is all of the knowledge

gained and gleaned now lined up on a shelf.

the desire to throw it all to the floor

is one that overwhelms.

savage and raw is the ache

amplified by ‘you should have known’

should have known that this was the reality

this is always how it ends.

you’re a fucking dreamer to the core

and you know what will come to pass.

it is endless repetition

of the same words over again.

what do you think will change?

that your dreams will come true?

after all this time you must have learned

that dreams are not for you.

you facilitate safety and comfort

let the broken come in to heal.

feed them, nurture them, make them strong

and watch them fly away.

this is what you do and who you are

but this is all that you can have.

don’t forget, don’t lose your way

the confusion can cloud your eyes.

make you see things that you wish were there

instead of what truly is.

make you believe that one of these days

you would be allowed to dream.

dream if you want but remember

that shit won’t come true

so do your penance on bended knee

and maybe this time you’ll learn.