Sobering Thoughts

I can’t even stand the sight of myself

can’t hear the sound of my voice.

I can’t bear to sit here with me

I just want disappear.

How can I think that I don’t deserve

to be feeling the pain of these wounds.

I just want to tear them deeper

and let the rivers flow.

The fault of this is heavy

I can hardly bear its weight.

I am having trouble breathing

I have to keep reminding myself.

The shame I feel has a texture

wrapping me up in its weave.

The threads like pinpoints scratching

and scraping my skin as it burns.

The guilt that I feel is a presence

filling up this empty room.

Taking away all comfort and safety

and threatening to eat me alive.

I hate myself right now

with a ferocity I can’t describe.

I am sick and disgusted with what I have done

how I let this go so far.

When did my integrity

become so flexible and grey?

When did my need to fill my needs

become worth more than that to me?

When did I become the person

that I feel like I am today?

Someone who masquerades

as someone who stands tall.

I am awful and selfish and evil

and for that I am again alone.

Wishing there was some way to turn back time

I know where I went wrong.