I can’t even stand the sight of myself
can’t hear the sound of my voice.
I can’t bear to sit here with me
I just want disappear.
How can I think that I don’t deserve
to be feeling the pain of these wounds.
I just want to tear them deeper
and let the rivers flow.
The fault of this is heavy
I can hardly bear its weight.
I am having trouble breathing
I have to keep reminding myself.
The shame I feel has a texture
wrapping me up in its weave.
The threads like pinpoints scratching
and scraping my skin as it burns.
The guilt that I feel is a presence
filling up this empty room.
Taking away all comfort and safety
and threatening to eat me alive.
I hate myself right now
with a ferocity I can’t describe.
I am sick and disgusted with what I have done
how I let this go so far.
When did my integrity
become so flexible and grey?
When did my need to fill my needs
become worth more than that to me?
When did I become the person
that I feel like I am today?
Someone who masquerades
as someone who stands tall.
I am awful and selfish and evil
and for that I am again alone.
Wishing there was some way to turn back time
I know where I went wrong.