Why I Can't Sleep

It comes when I am quiet,

when I am without defense.

When I go from the place of unconsciousness

and come back to being wide awake.

It hits me like a shock

like a bolt of lightning would.

It shakes me at the core of myself

and leaves me rattled deeper still.

I used to love to fall asleep

in the middle of the day.

To drift off slowly and softly

for a moment or an hour.

I used to love that dreamy place

of slowly waking up.

The smoky gray would hang on the edge of my memory

and I could walk around in the dream.

I never have that any more

that safe and cozy feeling.

That drifting gently back and forth

between the awake and the dream.

I either have to push myself

until exhausted, I succumb.

Or submit to the terror and panic

of being unable to stay asleep.

It’s terrifying and painful

and leaves me afraid and feeling small.

To be smacked in the chest with the reality

that I still here all alone.