Thursday, June 21, 2012

The person I used to be

It’s stunning how much quieter it can get

how the urgency has been replaced by an eerie calm.

Making the choice to let go of needing you

and admitting to myself that I deserve more than you ever gave.

I am now in a place where it is all slightly pushed to the fringes

to the edge of my vision instead of being all I can see.

In a place where the breaths now come one by one

and I’m not holding them as if they’ll never come again.

It’s hard for me to say that I deserve more

I’ve never been very comfortable with those words.

But it’s true that I deserve so much more than I got from you

so much more than I let you take from me.

Thinking back now I see signs like flashing lights

but I just couldn’t see them from where I stood then.

I needed to be saved and I thought that you could save me

when you were more lost than I have ever been.

I don’t know why I chose not to see you clearly

and only saw what I really wanted to see.

I guess because I foolishly believed your words

and not the actions that you constantly displayed.

Even now in this quiet place I miss you

in my mind’s eye your smile will always shine.

But you are selfish and I let you be that much to my defeat

I let you become more important than me.

It’s been a few weeks now since I walked around that corner

the one that helped me see exactly where I stood.

I am cautious and wary that as I wander around this place

I do not let the fear lead me backwards again.

It would be easy today as I am tired and alone

and sitting on this side of three days by myself.

To slip and fall and drown in you again

to fall away and find myself deep in that mourning place.

But today I’ll decide to make another choice

today I’ll remind myself that is not what I deserve.

Today I will embark on a mission of strength and resolve

today I will say goodbye to the person I used to be.

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