And here it is the worst part of the day
the time when the loneliness slowly settles in.
The dusk creeps in, the light begins to change
and the terror drapes itself over me like a veil.
I never planned on being here alone
not this alone, no one could plan for this.
I’ve been waiting for months for the perfect exit
and now it’s gone and there is no time to redirect.
So I’m stuck here for another piece of time
waiting again for my life to find a start.
Completely alone I have tried to mend the pieces,
in vain, I keep putting them back together again.
I’m working hard to build the perfect shell
strong, and sleek, and shiny, like brand new.
The seven scars across my leg and three across my wrist
are reminders of where I cannot go again.
I’m fighting hard, I swear to god, I am
but it feels like it just gets harder every day.
I was so close to flight and the leaving of this place
and now this bump in the road brings me back again.
To feelings that are stronger than I can stand,
pain that is deeper than anything I’ve felt.
The desire to climb into a bottle and drown
is something I taste in every breath I take.
I still can’t see the reasons this is happening
and why it seems that things keep getting worse.
I am trying so hard to do the right things every day
and not let the darkness takes its hold of me.
I don’t know how to reach out now to anyone
there is no one that I feel safe within.
How do you start a whole life over again
when you have nothing, how do you make a friend?
I have nothing to offer, I can’t even help myself yet
nothing that would appeal to anyone.
Just this mountain of pain and broken parts and words that follow me around
and no one even reads them anymore.
They’re all that I have and thank god they did not forsake me
I took them for granted so many times before.
I hushed them and hid them and told them to quiet down
for things that I thought were more important than them.
Now as my life has brought me to this place
where I spend all my days and nights alone.
Trying to find a way to heal and just get out of here
the words are the only thing that I can feel.
Someday I will be able to change the story
and the words will lead me away from all this pain.
But for now they walk with me through the loneliness of my life
and they sit with me until it’s another day.