Sunday, June 3, 2012

When evening falls...

And here it is the worst part of the day

the time when the loneliness slowly settles in.

The dusk creeps in, the light begins to change

and the terror drapes itself over me like a veil.

I never planned on being here alone

not this alone, no one could plan for this.

I’ve been waiting for months for the perfect exit

and now it’s gone and there is no time to redirect.

So I’m stuck here for another piece of time

waiting again for my life to find a start.

Completely alone I have tried to mend the pieces,

in vain, I keep putting them back together again.

I’m working hard to build the perfect shell

strong, and sleek, and shiny, like brand new.

The seven scars across my leg and three across my wrist

are reminders of where I cannot go again.

I’m fighting hard, I swear to god, I am

but it feels like it just gets harder every day.

I was so close to flight and the leaving of this place

and now this bump in the road brings me back again.

To feelings that are stronger than I can stand,

pain that is deeper than anything I’ve felt.

The desire to climb into a bottle and drown

is something I taste in every breath I take.

I still can’t see the reasons this is happening

and why it seems that things keep getting worse.

I am trying so hard to do the right things every day

and not let the darkness takes its hold of me.

I don’t know how to reach out now to anyone

there is no one that I feel safe within.

How do you start a whole life over again

when you have nothing, how do you make a friend?

I have nothing to offer, I can’t even help myself yet

nothing that would appeal to anyone.

Just this mountain of pain and broken parts and words that follow me around

and no one even reads them anymore.

They’re all that I have and thank god they did not forsake me

I took them for granted so many times before.

I hushed them and hid them and told them to quiet down

for things that I thought were more important than them.

Now as my life has brought me to this place

where I spend all my days and nights alone.

Trying to find a way to heal and just get out of here

the words are the only thing that I can feel.

Someday I will be able to change the story

and the words will lead me away from all this pain.

But for now they walk with me through the loneliness of my life

and they sit with me until it’s another day.

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