Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Choosing ME

Something is beginning to change in me

I can feel and can see it in tangible things.

With actions poised for letting go I have made decisions

to start doing things that are better for me.

I’ve begun a study on dealing with anger issues

looking at causes and symptoms and ways to mend.

I’m looking at reasons why we learn to be less

and how it makes us become someone we never were.

As I mourned last week on an anniversary long gone

and I a life that I would never live again.

I simply found a place where I could let go

and found myself coming slowly back to life.

I realized that I accepted disrespect,

a total lack of common decency.

I stood by while you cheated, lied to me and betrayed

and waited while you decided with whom you wanted to be.

It wasn’t an accident, the things that you did and said

you actually planned and did it with intent.

While I waited, I slowly disappeared

until there was nothing left of me to even fight.

You moved on and never missed a beat

and simply continued being who you are.

I’ve tried to forgive and move forward

again I put you steps ahead of me.

But I think the last straw was just broken

and I realize how little I mean to you.

I have chosen to not accept this anymore

and I have chosen to let go of knowing you.

You could’ve chosen another way again

you could have simply said “I know this is hard, but…”

You could have said “it would hurt you more to hear it from someone else

and I wanted to give you a warning so you wouldn’t fall”.

You didn’t and you shared conversations with me

that I never would have shared, had I known.

You continue to show me an absolute and total lack of respect

and I will never let you do that to me again.

I was always so afraid to stand up to you

so afraid if you left me I would die.

Months in a bottle and ten new scars that I now wear

have proven that the only thing that can kill me is me.

So I made a choice and performed a ceremonial gesture

I ran to the river and took off the ring you gave me.

I said a prayer for all that was lost between us

and with a satisfying thud, watched it sink.

I felt like I lost the weight of a burden

I felt no remorse and no regret.

I felt like I had to say one final thing to you

that all you ever had to do was show me some respect.

I really do hope you find your way

but you’re never going to do it like this.

Leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake

and keeping your heart locked up in some secret place.

I am walking forward today and I am smiling

for the simple fact that I’m choosing me over you.

I will always love you but I will learn to love myself more

and I will never lose myself in someone again.    

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