Something is beginning to change in me
I can feel and can see it in tangible things.
With actions poised for letting go I have made decisions
to start doing things that are better for me.
I’ve begun a study on dealing with anger issues
looking at causes and symptoms and ways to mend.
I’m looking at reasons why we learn to be less
and how it makes us become someone we never were.
As I mourned last week on an anniversary long gone
and I a life that I would never live again.
I simply found a place where I could let go
and found myself coming slowly back to life.
I realized that I accepted disrespect,
a total lack of common decency.
I stood by while you cheated, lied to me and betrayed
and waited while you decided with whom you wanted to be.
It wasn’t an accident, the things that you did and said
you actually planned and did it with intent.
While I waited, I slowly disappeared
until there was nothing left of me to even fight.
You moved on and never missed a beat
and simply continued being who you are.
I’ve tried to forgive and move forward
again I put you steps ahead of me.
But I think the last straw was just broken
and I realize how little I mean to you.
I have chosen to not accept this anymore
and I have chosen to let go of knowing you.
You could’ve chosen another way again
you could have simply said “I know this is hard, but…”
You could have said “it would hurt you more to hear it from someone else
and I wanted to give you a warning so you wouldn’t fall”.
You didn’t and you shared conversations with me
that I never would have shared, had I known.
You continue to show me an absolute and total lack of respect
and I will never let you do that to me again.
I was always so afraid to stand up to you
so afraid if you left me I would die.
Months in a bottle and ten new scars that I now wear
have proven that the only thing that can kill me is me.
So I made a choice and performed a ceremonial gesture
I ran to the river and took off the ring you gave me.
I said a prayer for all that was lost between us
and with a satisfying thud, watched it sink.
I felt like I lost the weight of a burden
I felt no remorse and no regret.
I felt like I had to say one final thing to you
that all you ever had to do was show me some respect.
I really do hope you find your way
but you’re never going to do it like this.
Leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake
and keeping your heart locked up in some secret place.
I am walking forward today and I am smiling
for the simple fact that I’m choosing me over you.
I will always love you but I will learn to love myself more
and I will never lose myself in someone again.