Saturday, June 9, 2012

Looking for some truth

It’s time to start digging in to the truth

of what was really missing in our life.

It started in the second year, the first time you cheated on me

I never should have given you the chance to come back.

You swore that you loved me and that you’d made a mistake

that the pull was something missing in you not me.

But I never felt truly safe with you again

and in that let you treat me the way I treat me.

I’ve never been very good to myself

whether with liquor or drugs or cutting lines into my skin.

But in you I found validation, because of who I thought you were

I had no idea and when I did it was too late.

You are no one any better than anyone else

certainly not any better than me.

But I let that role define and you played it very well

becoming more of you while I became less of myself.

I wasn’t ready for you but I guess I thought you could save me

I really truly loved you with all of my heart.

I saw the things in you that were broken

and made them so much more important than fixing me.

I understood why you did the things you did

and why you said the things that broke me down.

I saw where you came from and made excuses for you

when I should have just said, ‘you can’t talk to me like that’.

I thought I could love away the things that were broken

I thought you would one day see how true I was.

I thought you would look for me the way I looked for you

but you were as caught up in you as I was.

I’m not saying that this is your fault

what I’m actually saying is how much of it is mine.

The more I hurt, the more that I just shut down

when all I ever wanted was to reach out.

Reach out to you and tell you what I needed

but I never really believed that you were there.

I thought I had to be the one to fix everything

you always said how no one ever took care of you.

So I took care of you to the point that I resented you

I took care of you to the point that I disappeared.

You never came looking for me and that was all I knew

just a mean and sarcastic crack about how I wasn’t there.

I can see now why you don’t miss me

there really wasn’t anything to miss.

Not that I showed you anyway, but she was always here

that girl that was someone a long, long time ago.

You saw her once for a brief and fleeting moment

but she fell in love with you and then she fell away.

She never stopped dreaming though, you just stopped asking

you’ll never truly know what you left behind.

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