Thinking about what today would have been
a celebration of another year with you.
A milestone, an increment of time that we had spent
connected to each other and building dreams.
But today instead I sit here by myself
wondering how I’ll ever say your name again.
Wishing for something that would take this pain away
but there is nothing here anymore but me.
I planned some things to do for myself today
intentionally, to change the shape of things.
To make today a monument to something that defines
me and the person that I truly am.
I wanted to go and sing the songs I’ve written
stand in front of witnesses and bare my soul.
But I am far too sick today to do anything at all
and I’m sitting here on my couch trying to make sense of this.
I’m trying to do all the right things every day
read and write and be present with who I am.
Be healthy and strong and rebuild my broken self
but the backwards push and pull keeps dragging me down.
It just so happened that the chance to sing was today
the day that would have been a monument to us.
I wanted to make it a celebration of me
and I’m stuck here with a voice that will barely speak.
Why can’t I find a simple way down this road
a path that doesn’t take every ounce of my strength?
An easy day, an hour, or even a minute
where I don’t have to wear this exhausting mask.
Why can’t the work I’ve done sustain me
for just one day so I can easily rest?
So that I can laugh with reckless abandon
so I can find that I have slept the entire night.
Today on this day, just like the rest
I prepare myself for this battle once again.
Sick and tired and weary and let down
I’m fighting to make it through another day.