Anniversary

Thinking about what today would have been

a celebration of another year with you.

A milestone, an increment of time that we had spent

connected to each other and building dreams.

But today instead I sit here by myself

wondering how I’ll ever say your name again.

Wishing for something that would take this pain away

but there is nothing here anymore but me.

I planned some things to do for myself today

intentionally, to change the shape of things.

To make today a monument to something that defines

me and the person that I truly am.

I wanted to go and sing the songs I’ve written

stand in front of witnesses and bare my soul.

But I am far too sick today to do anything at all

and I’m sitting here on my couch trying to make sense of this.

I’m trying to do all the right things every day

read and write and be present with who I am.

Be healthy and strong and rebuild my broken self

but the backwards push and pull keeps dragging me down.

It just so happened that the chance to sing was today

the day that would have been a monument to us.

I wanted to make it a celebration of me

and I’m stuck here with a voice that will barely speak.

Why can’t I find a simple way down this road

a path that doesn’t take every ounce of my strength?

An easy day, an hour, or even a minute

where I don’t have to wear this exhausting mask.

Why can’t the work I’ve done sustain me

for just one day so I can easily rest?

So that I can laugh with reckless abandon

so I can find that I have slept the entire night.

Today on this day, just like the rest

I prepare myself for this battle once again.

Sick and tired and weary and let down

I’m fighting to make it through another day.