listening...

Lying here with the full intent

of wiling away the morning.

Drifting in and out of the twilight place

where awake and sleep collide.

I love this time, this quiet,

before the day has come to life.

Before the world and all that it carries

settles into my thoughts.

This morning though, I’m not at peace

something has broken the spell.

Reminding me of the self-defining term

panic attack.

They used to haunt me regularly

and wake me from my sleep.

A gasp of air, a racing pulse

and all at once, wide awake.

Every time I would drift off again

it was like a cycle of up and down.

The beating heart, the dizzying feeling

that something is horribly wrong.

I know now why it happened back then

it became a part of my life.

I think I went years without a proper night’s rest

and moved with a half-life through my day.

Now I don’t see the reason though

for this to settle on me today.

Something unsaid, something undone,

someone needs to hear their name.

So I lie hear now and listen

trying to hear past the whir and the buzz.

Of a blurry mind and a racing heart

to what is truly going on.