Thursday, July 19, 2012

A bitter and angry place

I never thought this was who I would become

filled with bitterness and a desire to make you hurt.

I feel like I was cheated out of so many things

and I guess I’m mad because in some ways it’s my own fault.

I protected your name when you were the one who lied

protected your actions when you were the one who cheated.

I gave you the space and choice to make those decisions

because I always believed that you would come back to me.

I protected a relationship that never made me feel safe

and a person who never truly made me feel loved.

What in the world am I mourning and holding on to now?

some illusion that anything we had was ever real.

I never should have started a life with you

I said it then and continue to say it now.

My belief in myself was not strong enough to claim a space in this

I was just another one of the many ‘broken birds’.

Maybe that’s why I can see them all so easily

and see so clearly what you have done once again.

You get to save us all and take us away in the beginning

but you have no idea what to do with us once we’re here.

You never supported me in anything that I loved

only criticized that something in me had changed.

You would ignore me for the length of entire days

and expect me to know how to come close to you at night.

I was never strong enough to tell you many of these things

if I had been this would have ended long ago.

I would have stood up for my needs and found that you could not meet them

and I would have been left standing silently alone.

Surprise! Isn’t that what happened anyway?

only once again it was you holding all the cards.

I guess that’s why I am left so bitter and angry

because you never hesitated when it came to what you want.

You went off more than once and did what you wanted

built your next life while sitting by my side.

Only when I just couldn’t believe the lies anymore

did I seek out the truth that I wish I didn’t have to know.

You intentionally betrayed and cheated on me

it was planned out and written in black and white.

The sickness I still feel at knowing that one truth

is the thing that is rotting me from the inside.

I hate you for keeping yourself safe inside our life

while you went out and tried someone else on for size.

Only because I caught you and you found something that fit

did you send me a text and tell me that we had to talk.

A text is what I got after the years that I gave to you

after love and commitment and struggles when things were hard.

And then a phone call that simply said you had made a choice

was she sitting next to you when you said goodbye?

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