Raging in ways that I cannot explain
searching for solid ground.
Trapped by the weight of this pain in my soul
trying to push it aside.
It moves in quickly and quietly
it takes me from behind.
With a masked face and whispering voice
the allusion has taken hold.
My heartbeat reacts in rhythmic response
pounding inside my chest.
My mind searches wildly for windows and doors
through which I can more clearly see.
I am pacing and frantic and spinning around
with thoughts let loose in my head.
I am aching and screaming yet you can’t hear a sound
as I lie next to you in this bed.
The questions of trust, the questions of faith
painted visibly here on this page.
The reasons to wonder are screaming in my ears.
shaking me to my core.
Unbalanced and raw and spiraling madly
and dangerously out of control.
Needing to breathe and sit with this pain
letting its voice find a name.
Disinterest, distaste, for this moment in time
disgusted at how small it makes me feel.
Discontent, disdain as it takes a hold of me
disconnecting from the tangible.
This is simple really, it has a name
yet I would rather not say it aloud.
Not envy, nor coveting for that of another,
this is jealousy purely for mine.
This is not a moment I stand in with pride
no ceremony of innate strength.
This is baseline emotion in its most ragged display
with a power I cannot control.