Exposed

Raging in ways that I cannot explain

searching for solid ground.

Trapped by the weight of this pain in my soul

trying to push it aside.

It moves in quickly and quietly

it takes me from behind.

With a masked face and whispering voice

the allusion has taken hold.

My heartbeat reacts in rhythmic response

pounding inside my chest.

My mind searches wildly for windows and doors

through which I can more clearly see.

I am pacing and frantic and spinning around

with thoughts let loose in my head.

I am aching and screaming yet you can’t hear a sound

as I lie next to you in this bed.

The questions of trust, the questions of faith

painted visibly here on this page.

The reasons to wonder are screaming in my ears.

shaking me to my core.

Unbalanced and raw and spiraling madly

and dangerously out of control.

Needing to breathe and sit with this pain

letting its voice find a name.

Disinterest, distaste, for this moment in time

disgusted at how small it makes me feel.

Discontent, disdain as it takes a hold of me

disconnecting from the tangible.

This is simple really, it has a name

yet I would rather not say it aloud.

Not envy, nor coveting for that of another,

this is jealousy purely for mine.

This is not a moment I stand in with pride

no ceremony of innate strength.

This is baseline emotion in its most ragged display

with a power I cannot control.