EXCERPTS 4

EXCERPTS is a series of poems that I write directly from waking up out of dreams. If I can remember them exactly as they happen, I think there is a reason for that. I know they carry answers for me to things that I am struggling with or need to learn.

I looked down to see my bare feet

climbing the stone stairs.

In the dark, in the deepest part

of a deadly quiet night.

The steps hurt, the surface cold

and hard beneath my tender skin.

I walked through the unlocked door

into the warmth of the vestibule.

There were statues of angels

and windows made of colored glass.

The light from the street lamps

filling the room with a soft blue glow.

Before me stood a large heavy antique wooden door

leading into the sanctuary, the safe haven.

I pushed on the door with all of my weight

and slowly it moved on its hinge.

The room was lit by only one candle

and someone knelt before it, head bowed.

Quietly, I entered so as not to disturb him

and made my way to the alter at the front of the room.

I took a wooden match in one hand

and struck it short and quick against a stone.

The flames hissed as it sent a glow across my face

the scent of sulfur filling up the air.

I laid the match against the wick of a candle

and the two quickly became one single flame.

I blew out the match and laid it back on the alter

and knelt before that flame and clasped my hands.

I let the words begin to fall from my lips

and fall they did until they turned into tears.

Like rivers run and torrential rains fall

they poured from me and filled the space of that room.

My body shook at the force of my pain

strange sounds came up from the depths of my soul.

I let them come, and I let them go

until slowly my breathing resumed its even pace.

I rose slowly, shaken and on unsteady knees

and walked back out of the room.

My prayers left lingering in the silence

as I put my hand on the door.

On the steps outside, I sat down

to listen to the quiet of the night.

He sat down beside me

as I heard the door softly close again.

“I’ve come here to pray,’ I said to him,

“to find the answers I just can’t understand.”

He said, “I heard you, Andrea”

and then I was sitting alone again.

 

Misunderstood

I thought I saw you today on the street

passing by, you were hurriedly on your way.

Stopping not for a moment, or second in time

I got the feeling that you were trying to avoid.

Avoid me, avoid this, at all costs

as if you never shared a word at all with me.

The feelings it invoked in me, self-hatred and self-doubt

are things I never thought I’d feel in relation to you.

I think so much between us was simply misunderstood

the written word can have that kind of effect.

Feelings got mixed up in all of that confusion

and neither one of us was thinking very clear.

I walked away from you to do the right thing

so that anything you decided would be on your own.

It seems that your decisions have come to you at last

and you have found your way back to your home.

Of course I hoped that I could have been in that picture

but I’m not, and I never really expected to be.

If you remember back to the very beginning

you thought I was someone else anyway.

I’m sad and I miss you and it’s nothing more than that

my heart is trying to let go the idea of you.

I’m writing out all of the feelings I have

trying to remember what I felt like before I met you.

I see your words and I hope that happiness you found

is truly what you wanted it to be.

I also see that you have no idea who I really am

and that knowing me was not the same for you.

It makes me even sadder to think that you might regret

or worse, that you don’t understand at all.

That it’s simple really what happened,

that I heard the voice you used.

I wonder if you have any idea

of the words you spoke.

Either way, it matters not ,we are on our separate paths

finding again what we both seem to have lost.

I hope if it ever is really you that I pass on the street

that you won’t appear to be running away from me.

Monday and Her Minions ~ A Poet's Conundrum

and so it is Monday

and again this all begins.

the to and fro, the shuffle

the too busy for time to think.

moments lost forever

in the chasing after of things.

things we need not things we want

it’s a Monday kind of thing.

balance between work and words

and thoughts and the things I feel.

I find myself longing soberly

lost in the quiet of evening’s lure.

I stay up much later than I should

toying and playing with words.

trying to build up the reserve

to get me through each day.

I know full well there won’t be time

and usually not even a place.

Monday and her minions

are on me before I awake.

she is needy, this one, and demanding

her voice loud and sharp to hear.

she is in my ears and my consciousness

taking up all of the space.

she is pushing out things she doesn’t need

passion, emotion, dreams.

she is on her game this morning

and already has me on my knees.

begging for a simple quiet moment

a gentle break in my day.

where I can run off with my notebook

and ease this constant ache.

the ache that words must come

and they must simply be heard.

Monday is not the only one

who has something to say today.

 

Trying to let go

last night was the first night in a long time

that I finally slept in my own bed.

instead of twisting myself up on the couch

to keep this all contained.

there is something about the safety

and comfort of those wine colored sheets.

wrapped up and cushioned in pillows

that is conducive to letting go.

the feelings come like a waterfall

the rush, the force, the flow.

the dreams fill up the darkness

and there is nothing to do but feel.

I’m sick and tired of feeling this

I’d like it to just go away.

the raw nerves, the exposed heart

me out here on display.

I feel like I am transparent most days

that I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I know I do I’ve been told that fact

over and over again.

I bleed openly and joy is the same

it’s all laid out here on this page.

I feel and I feel and I feel and I feel

and sometimes don’t know what to do with it.

I’ve tried to push this all away

into compartments and close them up.

to put keys into drawers and shut them

so that this will all go away.

it doesn’t, it won’t, it feels as if

you are sitting here in this room.

the unfinished conversation

just hangs openly in the air.

the unresolved emotion

the things we’ll never know.

just sit there staring and taunting

waiting to see what I will do.

what can I do? I’ve done it

I’ve laid out my heart and my dreams.

it wasn’t the place, it wasn’t the time

I wasn’t the one you need.

 

feeling it

today for the first time

I can feel it all.

the outcome of decisions

made in the name of good.

the right thing, integrity

protecting the sacred heart.

but in that there is

a terrible amount of pain.

I let you go, I had to

you have to find your way.

if it leads you back to me someday

the choice will be yours.

the push and pull, the back and forth

the choices that need to be made.

have to be yours and you

must make them alone.

I know what I want, I made it clear

I laid my heart out at your feet.

with fingertips you touched it

but you could not take hold.

the intensity of the moments

that lead us to this place.

were enough to shake

even the depth of my resolve.

so I will keep my steps in line

moving forward away from here.

from this place where my heart

is weeping for you.

I will hold the memory, tender and sweet

and let it slip away.

I will wish you happiness and joy

and hope that I find them too.

we shared a magical moment

in a secret place in time.

we were poetry and stories

and words forever etched in stone.

 

Faith

faith

all that you are

at the core

of your being

is there anything

that you believe

 enough to die for

anything

that you would surrender

with open arms

have you fought

with tooth and nail

and scratched at every surface

have you given over

not given in

the armor simply laid down

have your found yourself

on bended knee begging

answers fleeting

just beyond your grasp

does the fight feel

like banging your head

against a wall

the ache in your mind

seeping into your soul

have you found yourself

just following

the easiest flattest road

in exhaustion

the battles

impossible heights to climb

 

this is the moment

when faith

in a whisper

will touch your ear

when lying down

prostrate and humbled

the answers will simply come

listen and see

with heart and soul

not with narrowed mind

what comes will be

what you asked for

 though it may not be

what you want

The Impetus of Change

where do you go to try yourself on

when your heart doesn’t know its own name?

when you’ve turned yourself inside out

and upside down in attempt to heal those wounds?

is there somewhere safe, somewhere warm

is there someone who holds you close?

or are you out there flailing wildly

hoping something will hold?

do you know what silence sounds like

as it falls down around your soul?

does it terrify you at your core

the thought of being alone?

there is something inherently evident

in the words and the phrases we choose.

to signify change and growth has occurred

and when it is time to learn.

feelings take hold at the center of you

shaking you from within.

challenging everything you ever thought

you knew about yourself.

uncomfortable, uneasy, restless

at the thought of the unknown.

the feeling of coming unhinged

or terrifyingly numb.

unknown, uncertain, unsure of it all

yet with certainty knowing one thing.

that something is wrong and crying out

that something has to change.

In The Simplicity of Morning

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing a very dear friend who I have not seen in a while. We have known each other for 20 years or so and as long as I have known her, she has been a source of joy in my life, the thought of her always makes me smile. She happens to be an unbelievably gifted singer/songwriter and I have been in awe of her talent and passion from the first moment I heard that voice roar out of her. Today I awoke with a song of hers in my head and the feeling that life was indeed, "so simple, so good". 

 

So sitting here on the porch this morning, I am listening to her sing and writing down how I feel. It's just a morning, like any other, but today I feel very happy and peaceful and want to share that.

 

soft quiet morning sounds

before the world comes alive.

birds having conversation

in a language I cannot understand.

sitting with an open heart

I feel the hope in this morning.

with outstretched arms, open wide

I embrace myself from within.

maybe it really is that simple

maybe happiness can just be.

today when I awoke a calm covered

every inch of my soul.

I awoke to the feeling that someone

 had walked into my room.

unsettled at first, I think maybe

this feeling was what came in.

last night I remembered times long past

and who I was in those days.

in the face of a friend from that time gone by

I saw where I stand today.

lifetimes change you constantly

ever evolving, never to be still.

on mornings like this I open my eyes

and simply take it all in.

treasures and magic and gifts abound

in this life for us to perceive.

their worth, their value, our need for them

all we need is to see.

it might be that simple, or maybe it’s not

but today I believe that it is.

as the world begins to awaken

 I will softly sing to her.  

 

This is Lisa Marshall singing Simple. The song has many versions but my favorite has always been just her and her guitar and this beautiful song.

 

You can find her at www.lisamarshallmusic.com or on Twitter @lisamarshallmus