The Panic Has Returned

ripped from sleep with a ferocity

that has left me wide awake.

tears pouring down my face

I am looking through windows again.

remembering scenes from a time long past

when I was small and all alone,

and it’s suddenly making so much sense

why the panic has returned.

I was always the one on the outside

the one that didn’t quite fit.

never feeling like I belonged

I always stood at the edge.

on the outside never truly a part

I can see the images now.

moments I had buried so deep inside

I’d forgotten where the hurt came from.

the panic returns when someone leaves

and usually at the sound of goodbye.

I’ve never really connected it all

to those broken pieces inside.

it’s coming now with the force of a scream

and I see what all of it means.

at the love of you and the loss of you

and why this has taken so much of me.

with the depth and the intensity

 of the feelings that we shared.

you awoke in me the feeling

that I was worthy of being loved.

you trusted me in ways

that pressed the boundaries of your life.

to me that represented

that I was worth a risk to you.

you needed me and I felt that

with a desperation and urgency.

further feeding the feeling

that the person who mattered was me.

you opened the door and opened my heart

with a gentle and comforting voice.

telling me that the truth

would help us find our way.

suddenly there was a shift

lights went out and doors closed.

with a silence that made my ears bleed

I was left completely alone.

with open wounds and a heart stripped bare

I was on the outside again.

feeling just like that little girl

who had no one, all alone.

I have been walking around blindly for days

feeling like a part of me has died.

feeling lost and insignificant

not understanding what I’ve done wrong.

I believed that I could trust in you

and you would never break my heart.

but there was too much weight in the layers

of this for anyone to bear.

so now on the fringes I linger again

because good bye feels very real.

I don’t know how to unlock the heart

that I have attached to you.