ripped from sleep with a ferocity
that has left me wide awake.
tears pouring down my face
I am looking through windows again.
remembering scenes from a time long past
when I was small and all alone,
and it’s suddenly making so much sense
why the panic has returned.
I was always the one on the outside
the one that didn’t quite fit.
never feeling like I belonged
I always stood at the edge.
on the outside never truly a part
I can see the images now.
moments I had buried so deep inside
I’d forgotten where the hurt came from.
the panic returns when someone leaves
and usually at the sound of goodbye.
I’ve never really connected it all
to those broken pieces inside.
it’s coming now with the force of a scream
and I see what all of it means.
at the love of you and the loss of you
and why this has taken so much of me.
with the depth and the intensity
of the feelings that we shared.
you awoke in me the feeling
that I was worthy of being loved.
you trusted me in ways
that pressed the boundaries of your life.
to me that represented
that I was worth a risk to you.
you needed me and I felt that
with a desperation and urgency.
further feeding the feeling
that the person who mattered was me.
you opened the door and opened my heart
with a gentle and comforting voice.
telling me that the truth
would help us find our way.
suddenly there was a shift
lights went out and doors closed.
with a silence that made my ears bleed
I was left completely alone.
with open wounds and a heart stripped bare
I was on the outside again.
feeling just like that little girl
who had no one, all alone.
I have been walking around blindly for days
feeling like a part of me has died.
feeling lost and insignificant
not understanding what I’ve done wrong.
I believed that I could trust in you
and you would never break my heart.
but there was too much weight in the layers
of this for anyone to bear.
so now on the fringes I linger again
because good bye feels very real.
I don’t know how to unlock the heart
that I have attached to you.