Trying to get through today

The pain tears through me

with a force that leaves me breathless and shaking.

Tiny drops of blood leave a trail

from the broken pieces of my heart back to where we were.

You were the one I dreamed of

the one who lit my life with magic and fire.

You were the dream I had

before I ever knew your name.

Now you are gone and I am alone

more alone than I have ever been.

Now that I have loved you

I will never be the same again.

My heart cannot comprehend the fact

or understand why you have gone.

It can’t believe you don’t love me anymore

or why I have to be here now alone.

What did I not do?

Who did you want me to be?

Why was I not enough for you?

Do you really think this is not about me?

Of course it’s about me as much as it is you

my entire life is now changed.

You can say that you did what you needed to do

but still you did this to me.

The pain is searing, it wakes me at night

it hangs over, and chases me through the day.

I just can’t imagine my life without you

I’m just trying to get through today. 

Crying again

Today I woke up crying again

as I have every day for weeks.

Sleep evades me, my stomach turns

and my heart has shattered like glass.

My worst fear has come to pass

I am completely alone.

You have made your choices and said your goodbyes

and left me here on my own.

I am scared, I am broken, I am falling apart

nothing can ease this pain.

You fell out of love, it seems, a long time ago

and I thought we were working through things.

You walked away with ease and grace

you’ll never again look back.

If you did you’d see me standing here

trying to find my way out.

Screaming and scratching and clawing my way

to a place where this pain will cease.

Running from demons and ghosts in the night

who want to make it easy for me.

Dreaming of sharp things with shiny steel blades

of bottles with translucent light.

They could take me from here and numb all this pain

they could warm me throughout these long nights.

I don’t understand why you needed to leave

why I wasn’t worth the fight.

Whatever you’re chasing, whatever you need

I hope it is worth what you lost.

Getting dirty

Crawling on hands and knees

through the muck and the mire.

Weaving my way through sticks and stones

and the things that break hearts.

Holding on to nothing now

hope has been cast off.

She lies helplessly on the ground

as I kick my way through the dust.

I am digging in with cracked hands and bleeding fingers

remembering word for word and act for act.

In this part of the story I will make you the villain

because I need the distance to survive.

All I ever did was love you

and believe with you in your dreams.

When you were broken, I held the pieces,

when you were torn I held you close.

You fell down so far through those moments in time

that I could not find you for days on end.

Yet I kept you and waited until you returned

and gave you a place to land.

You left me for ages and I carried on through

keeping the wheels spinning ever ahead.

You forgot to tell me when you had returned

 I was still wearing armor to keep me safe.

You never really came back to me

but went looking for something shiny and new.

While I waited and wondered when my time would come

instead of realizing it never would.

I feel used and forsaken and left here for dead

taken for all that I had.

What did you ever want from me

it’s something I’ll never know.

Doors

This morning we embraced

through a kiss drenched in tears.

Surrounded by our life packed into boxes

we parted and said goodbye.

Tonight I returned and crossed the threshold

of the home that we once made.

As I stood within the hollow rooms

I fell to my knees and wept.

This is the sum of the parts of a life

that have been dismantled and taken away.

You have gone your way and I will go mine

and the echoes in these rooms will fade.

Your face is everywhere, your voice in the hall

as I wrap up the final details.

There is no record of the life that we shared

but the memories that will surely fade.

For five more days I will grieve by the grave

of the love that has been laid to rest.

Then I will leave this place and embark on my own

trying to move forward in spite of the past.

I didn’t want this, and I don’t want it now

these choices were not made by me.

So I’ll pick up my bags and my small array of things

and put one foot in front of the next.

I’ll pass through the door on the way out of our life

reaching out to open the next.

I’ll learn to walk again on my own

and one day this will just be the past.

*For dversepoets.com    Poetics: B ¦ O ¦ R ¦ D ¦ E ¦ R ¦ S  *

She Wore My Heart

She wore my heart

on a chain around her neck.

And now as I stand here in disbelief,

she is handing it back to me.

It was just too much for her to hold

too much for her to keep.

It is broken and bleeding as it leaves her hands

and pieces are falling to the floor.

I gave her all of me freely

with belief and simple blind faith.

But once my heart left the cradle of my arms

I could no longer keep it safe.

Once you give it away its not yours anymore,

you have placed it in someone else’s care.

They can take it or leave it, do what they will

or give it back to you with both hands.

So now I am picking up pieces

of my broken heart from the floor.

Filling up buckets and putting in my pockets

the pieces that are too small to hold.

I am making promises to my heart

to keep it warm through night.

To feed it when it hungers, to hear it when it cries

to keep it safely locked up inside.

I will never give it away again

recklessly or otherwise.

I will tend to it daily and nurse it back to health

this time it nearly died.


*Submitted to dversepoets.com

dVerse Meeting the Bar: Imagism *

Tears

Today I woke at 3 am

my eyes would not stay closed.

The tears fell like water coming from an open stream

I couldn’t do anything but let them.

They continued throughout the length of this day

the day that won’t seem to end.

This is the last day, the end of so many things

when it is gone, I will wish for its return.

Today was the first day I felt it

that we are no longer we.

That I am I and you are you

and the distance between us now grows.

I am now the stranger

I exist outside of your walls.

I am the shadow that lurks at the window

and will forever be the one looking in.

As I walk up the stairs to this new home of my own

as I close the door on our life.

A part of me will stay here where we lived

and will remember for all of time.

I don’t know when I will see you again

or if ever our paths will cross.

As you chase down the shadows that led you away

I hope you find what you’re looking for.

I will go my way and you will go yours

and these years will fade to memory.

I will hear you call me angel in the soft gentle breeze

and I will let the tears fall where they may.

* For dversepoets.com  OpenLinkNight ~ Week 27 *

Let You Go

Mornings, by far are the hardest

lying awake alone.

The night is long and restless

comfort and peace gone.

Broken sleep, fractured dreams

unsettled and unknown.

Lying alone and aching

nothing can keep me warm.

I still don’t understand, can’t make sense

but none of that matters now.

It’s simply time to learn how to move on

I only wish I knew how.

This was the life I chose

everything I wanted to be.

This was supposed to last forever

and now all that’s left is me.

You fell out of love, everything changed

you want a different life.

And now I have to let you go

my friend, my lover, my wife.

Passing Time

Time moves swiftly

in moments, lifetimes change.

Hours, minutes, seconds pass,

nothing will be the same again.

Now as I watch you sitting here

time is standing still.

So I can take in every second of it

and remember everything I feel.

I used to be able to touch you

across this table reach out my hand.

Now I sit here waiting for separate checks

and this evening to come to an end.

A plan has now been decided

 a list of ‘to do’s” in each hand.

As I check off another thing on the list

I bury another piece of my heart in the sand.

I don’t know how to look at you

like you are no longer mine.

The memories are angry and screaming at me

they are not ready to die.

I don’t know how to not kiss you,

and lay down with you at each night’s end.

I don’t know how to not love you

but I guess in time I will learn.

I am broken and bleeding, I am raw and unhinged

 I am small and I am oh, so tired.

I am trying to stand up tall and be strong

I am trying to find my way to the other side.

Friday the 13th (of course)

There are no words to describe this

no possible way that I could convey this feeling.

The emptiness is harrowing

all-encompassing and trying to bury me.

There are shadows and whispers and voices

that are cat-calling and taunting.

There is little to no light guiding me anywhere

today there is simply darkness covering me.

This is the time for breaking,

coming unbound at the seams.

A time for weeping through the night

and trying to breathe yourself through the day.

This a time for bleeding,

from the cracks upon your heart.

A time to stop pretending

that everything will be fine.

Today nothing is fine and I’m allowed that,

I’m allowed to pound my fists into the wall.

 Today is a day of scraping my knees across the floor

and today is only half over, rescue me.

Soon there will be more decisions to make

more places to sign names on dotted lines.

And that hour is fast approaching,

here we go.

How did I end up here

in this empty room again?

And how do I believe 

that it’s not about me?

Sit Still

How do you move through something you don’t want

how do you accept decisions that you did not make?

How do you reach the place where the pain doesn’t paralyze you

how do you find yourself able to breathe?

There is so much noise, so much language

the voices are having their day.

So many questions, so many opinions

but none of them have anything to say.

Nothing is telling me how to move

or telling me what I should do.

Nothing is giving me comfort

or respite from this pain.

I am using this time to walk through it

to lay down in the middle and mourn.

A little time, a few days left

until I have to return to the world.

The sun is too bright and the light hurts my eyes

old voices are calling my name.

The images of dangerous places

are trying to entice me again.

It’s time to sit still and be silent

don’t make any hasty moves.

Feel it, you’ve never done this before

soon you will know what to do.

Today

Today was the last and the first day

in the story of our life.

Today was the last time that I will ever

hold you close to me.

Today was the first day

that I begin again to call you by name.

Today was the last day of a life

that we spent years building together.

Today was the first day, the first step

in learning to live alone.

Today was the day the rings came off

and got put away in boxes.

Today was the first day in a very long time 

that I am in a room alone.

Today is the days our hearts our breaking

the day that tears flow like the rain.

Today is the day we learn how to be strong

and see what tomorrow brings.

Today is the day I surrender

to the dream that you’ll change your mind.

Today is the day I try to decide

what kind of life I am going to find.

Today is the first day of all of this

and the last day of all that was.

Today my heart is broken

tomorrow I will try again.

*dVersepoets.com OpenLinkNight – Week 26 *

Fear

There you are, I wondered where you’ve been

it’s been years since I have sensed your presence.

Years since I have woken with a start from my sleep

years since I have been afraid of the dark.

There is nothing worse than knowing you are there again

nothing worse than feeling you close behind.

Stalking me from the quiet corners and the silences

waiting for me to leave door ajar.

It’s usually from sleep that you draw your strength

building with a vengeance to tear me down.

Just when peace and calm have fallen down around me

you strike your blow with a force that shakes the room.

I wake with a start not knowing where I am

innocently forgetting what‘s been done.

Then suddenly it’s there and I am thrust into its arms

terrified and lying here alone.

It’s the fear of being utterly

 and solitarily left here on my own

It’s the fear of knowing that this is the life

that I have to carve out for myself.