I believe I’ve mastered the art of dying
slowly chipping away pieces.
the jagged parts disconnected
the lines no longer touch,
I’ve believe that I have conquered sadness
I’ve got this one mastered too.
dwelling in darkened places
speaking words of pain.
I know I’ve become despair
on every level of who I am.
at one time or another
it has even been my name.
I’ve learned to cry myself to sleep
in the absence of any sound.
at times it’s been the only voice
that I have been able to find.
I’ve taken to singing in a mournful wail
when my heart just can’t form a smile.
again, at least the sounds come out
they are the only ones I have.
I know what it means to grieve
endlessly day after day.
to be wrapped so tightly in desolation
you flinch at another’s touch.
I know what it is when that touch never comes
and the ache that emanates from my skin.
I wear it like a garment
until it becomes who I am.
I’ve become an expert at all of these things
I’d like to learn something new.
I’d like to learn to smile
from somewhere deep inside.
I’d love to be able to laugh
without any other feeling attached.
not ‘until’ or ‘because’
but to simply feel joy.
I yearn to fall in love
with someone who truly sees me.
someone who actually hears what I say
not just who they need me to be.
I want to give my heart
openly without fear or regret.
I want to trust again
it just seems an impossible task.
I’m tired of being broken
tired of being torn.
of constantly trying to hold together
something that may never be whole.