Processing the pain

I cannot understand pain of this magnitude,

how it continues to grow and consume very part of my being.

I am trying to hold on to anger, to the reality of things that were done

just to keep the pain at bay, to give me a moment to breathe.

It’s there all the time, hour after hour, day after day

in the quiet moments late at night when I am small and alone.

It sits with me like an old friend and rocks me as I stare at the ceiling

wishing and praying that I could for a moment fall asleep.

I go from rage to completely broken in the time it takes to breathe

and then I go back and then I go forth and back again.

This is the most real I have ever felt, the most raw, the most pure

this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I know how you hurt me, I know the lies you told

still somehow I can’t believe that that was the you that I know.

How can the person who loved me so much, that much,

just be gone and already moved on?

How can I be alone here day after day, and night after night

mourning the loss of us? It never should have been us.

We were the ones who were true, we were forever,

we made vows and declarations and we were the ones in love.

Now you need someone else and I can’t understand

my heart just cannot process this, my body is aching again.

There is only silence here where you were once at my side

an empty and gaping hole.

There is only me here now and I am breaking again

praying to somehow again become whole.