Recurring Dreams

Last night I woke up twice

to the sound of the ringing phone.

And then I woke when I heard your voice

as you stood in the door of my room.

In the final attempt I made at sleep

I just heard you knock on my door.

None of these things really happened

I just can’t stop dreaming they will.

I loved you from the first time I met you

though I knew you couldn’t be mine.

With that sweet smile and your sparkling eyes

I knew that the time was not ours.

Then one day things were different

and you shyly knocked at my door.

In the masked words of taking a risk

you said the words I never dreamed I would hear.

That was such a long time ago

and time has drastically changed.

You have gone away on to someone else

and you took my heart when you left.

The whole of my heart has broken

my dreams have all gone and died.

But the parts of me that met you that day

doesn’t know how to let go of that love.

So each night I do the work I should do

I read the books and I write the words.

I counsel my soul that it must accept this fate

and I repeatedly say those words.

Let it go and let it be,

you have moved on and let me go.

Yet each night I wake up all night long

to the sounds of you coming home.

In A Tower On High

From life, from love, from everything

she is locking herself away.

Up steps made of stone to a tower on high

she turns the locks and buries the key.

She has taken a vow to silence her heart

to quiet the ache and the need.

She has denied all chance of risk or threat

she’ll never again let anyone in.

She has chosen this room perched high above the earth

surrounded by walls made of stone.

Beneath rough blue skies thick with clouds

and the ever present threat of storm.

You will rarely catch a glimpse of her

perhaps on a moonlit night.

Or as her shadow slips by the window

in the candle lit glow of her room.

She is quietly dreaming and spinning yarns

she is telling tales of where she has been.

She weaves magic and illusion onto pages unread

until such time as she can once again let them go.

She is all she has now

as another dream was cast away.

She held too tightly and she loved too deep

with an emptiness she tends her broken heart.

She lived in this tower long ago

and knew better than to let her feet descend the steps.

Yet she was caught by the magic and the mystery

of those shining, sparkling eyes.

As she turns away for the last time

and begins her final ascent.

The clouds blow by revealing the bright blue sky

and she takes the memories with her up the stairs.

*For dversepoets.com   Poetics – Visual-eyes-ing *

Based on this photo by Reena Walkling

Seeking The Nothing

Seeking the nothing ~

a place to drop below the surface

and fall between the cracks.

Seeking invisibility ~

where I can make believe

that these feelings don’t exist.

Seeking the illusion ~

is all of this really happening?

Sadly, I know it is.

Seeking some sort of answer ~

how did I end up here,

how did it come to this?

Seeking some relief ~

to be someone, somewhere

far from the ache of this place.

Seeking something, anything ~

I feel  it all slipping away

and I am falling backwards again.

Survival in the aftermath

After the dust begins to settle

there are moments of random silence.

In these quiet moments, I sit amongst the rubble

and begin the painstaking task.

I begin to sift through the ashes, through the pieces ripped and torn,

through the rough and jagged edges.

I touch every scarred surface with cautious hands

I feel every new texture that has redefined its being.

Everything came so hard and so fast

a complete collapse of the entire structure.

A devastating collapse of the stability and the safe haven

of all that existed within these sacred walls.

Now sitting here on the ground, laying broken things out before me

I can begin to see the way that these shattered pieces once fit.

I can see where the shapes and patterns existed 

and how they were woven together to create something whole.

When they are laid out like this, these shattered pieces

each begin to tell their own tale.

As they become separate beings unto themselves

their stories become more than the sum of their parts.

 Everything becomes visible, everything becomes clear

and everything overlooked suddenly demands attention.

Everything that was collected and put away for later

has finally been given it due.

The discoveries are hard and ugly and as the dust and dirt

are slowly swept away to reveal the secrets below.

The realizations of what lies beneath

strike with the fury of the initial shock.

Things seem so clear now as the pieces are put back together

as the broken thread is weaved back into the fabric of this thing.

I see all of things that I let slip by, all of the things that I ignored

as I simply grasped at trying to survive.

Here I see the repercussions of those actions

of trying to let the moment preserve my existence.

The warnings, the threats, the answers were there and I had them

I simply could not see them in the face of the impending doom.

The answers, the choices, decisions I didn’t make

are loud and brightly colored in this safe and quiet place.

I see it all so clearly now and can recite it verbatim

like the words of a song that I have known for all of time.

I sing it slowly and softly like a lullaby or a hymn.

I sing it in memory of the fallen

of the characters who fill the pages of this tale.

I hold it close to my heart and in my memory

I remember all of the reasons.

I carve them into myself as reminders

so this will never happen again.

Processing the pain

I cannot understand pain of this magnitude,

how it continues to grow and consume very part of my being.

I am trying to hold on to anger, to the reality of things that were done

just to keep the pain at bay, to give me a moment to breathe.

It’s there all the time, hour after hour, day after day

in the quiet moments late at night when I am small and alone.

It sits with me like an old friend and rocks me as I stare at the ceiling

wishing and praying that I could for a moment fall asleep.

I go from rage to completely broken in the time it takes to breathe

and then I go back and then I go forth and back again.

This is the most real I have ever felt, the most raw, the most pure

this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I know how you hurt me, I know the lies you told

still somehow I can’t believe that that was the you that I know.

How can the person who loved me so much, that much,

just be gone and already moved on?

How can I be alone here day after day, and night after night

mourning the loss of us? It never should have been us.

We were the ones who were true, we were forever,

we made vows and declarations and we were the ones in love.

Now you need someone else and I can’t understand

my heart just cannot process this, my body is aching again.

There is only silence here where you were once at my side

an empty and gaping hole.

There is only me here now and I am breaking again

praying to somehow again become whole.

Venting angry words

So you’re already doing it aren’t you

leaning in to her?

Blissfully down the path that lead you

away from me to her.

Why did you waste so much time

saying pretty words to me?

Telling me stories to make me believe

that this was not about her?

I believed in you when you told me

that all you needed was a chance.

For someone to believe that you were not

who everyone thought you were.

Even when you were being judged for your actions

you turned to me for support.

I held you and trusted and gave you solace

and you turned and ran into her arms.

I wish you would have just told me the truth

and what you intended to do.

I wouldn’t have wasted  so many tears

on the lies you so beautifully told.

You know what you’re doing, you know what you’ve done,

how can you sleep at night?

Oh that’s right, that acceptance you so fully believe in

and no consequence for what you’ve done.

Unhinged

Standing close to the edge teetering

somewhere between reality and becoming unhinged.

There is little distance from one to the next

little space between crazy and me.

I’ve fallen below the surface

 of the place where I wanted to stand.

Fallen between the cracks in the floor

and I’m lying stretched out on the ground.

Prostrate, arms extended, surrendering to the pain

feel it and bathe in its flood.

Hold nothing inside, let it flow from the wound

soon there’ll be nothing left to let go.

The sputter and cough as the engine starts to die

as it rolls in on its very last breath.

I’ve made it here to the place where I fell down

and now I have to build it all again.

Rebuild my heart, rebuild my soul,

from a trust and a faith destroyed.

Rebuild belief that I can move forward from this

and the idea that I will ever be home again.

Connected to nothing and no one

discontent, disenchanted, disdain.

Dangling from the broken hinge

pieces that may not fit together again.

Secrets...how nice

How nice that the dragon stopped breathing fire

when you bought her one that could talk.

How nice for the girl that could not twirl

that you bought her a brand new dress.

How nice for all the ‘remember when’s”

in a little album you left where I could see.

How nice that now you can ‘love and want’

now that you are free.

I’m so glad that I was the most important thing

that you had in your life.

Can you imagine what being the least would have felt like?

Probably a lot like this.

How nice that you no longer have to live

these separate and divided lives.

How nice that I no longer have to see it

written out on the screen.

How nice that all you needed was someone to believe

that you could make the right choices.

How nice that I did and I gave you everything

and you threw it back at me.

How nice that I had to come to the point

of stealing the answers I needed.

How nice will it be when all that I know

doesn’t hurt me ever again?

The Last Goodbye

Today we said goodbye again

I think that this was the last time

We can’t keep doing this to each other

I can’t keep doing this to me

I gave you everything and I’d do it again

if it had only been enough

I’d give you the blood as it left my veins

but it never would have been enough

You said that all you needed

was for someone to believe

To believe in you and the choices you’d make

I gave it and you took it away

You made a fool of me for trusting

and you only told when I broke the trust in you

You took advantage of me and the belief that I had

and now she is the confidante you seek

You speak polite words and “PC” lines

while I lay my heart at your feet

You can’t show me any part of your heart

for fear that you might want to come home

I would open the door to you willingly

if I ever thought you wanted to be here

All I can remember is you trying to hide

and to get away from me

This is the last time we’ll say goodbye

the last time we need to talk

I’ll miss you forever and hold you in my heart

you are the last love I will ever let in

3 am

The nights are getting longer, the silence growing deeper

and my nemesis, 3 am, is up to her old tricks again

She has me pacing the floor and walking in circles

and turning on lights in the dark

She whispers loudly yet speaks gibberish

she bring her friends over to play in the night

She is treacherous and devilish, with skills greater than mine

and she is trying to drive me mad

I know all the tricks of this battle

I know how to keep myself safe

How to reach out, who to reach to, and what to believe

but this time I’m too tired to play

She has beaten me tonight, exhausted me

and I sit here and wail out her name

3 am you’ve won tonight

tomorrow I’ll come back to play again

We will fight this war and stage these battles

over and over again

Until one day I emerge victorious

and reclaim the strength that you’ve taken

You haunt me with ghosts of days gone by

you know my secrets as if they were your own

But 3 am, I’m not giving in

rest up, tonight could be very long

*For dversepoets.com    The Object is Poetics

Broken Sleep

Broken sleep, fragmented dreams

I wake up hour after hour in tears

Long nights, with nowhere to run

the rest of the world dreams in peace

I miss you my love, your eyes, your smile

the heat of you lying next to me

I miss your laugh, I miss your face, I miss your beauty

I miss how it felt to love you

You’re a simple ten miles across this small town

but you are now a full lifetime away

Looking for something about which you can feel

the way that I feel about you

The hardest thing now is that I can’t even see you

or hear the sound of your voice

I don’t want to know how you’re doing alone

I don’t want to know where you’ve gone

In six months’ time I’ll be gone from this place

starting all over again

In some strange place, some new life

and I’ll surely never see you again

I guess this was what you wanted

your freedom, your life on your own

I just wish I had wanted the same thing too

as I embark on this journey alone

You left...

If only there were something to fight for

I would raise my weapon high and forge into battle

If only there were something I could do

I would spend my life trying to do it

I gave you everything that I had

all of me, and nothing less

But nothing I could do can change this now

and I am left with your decision

The choice to leave was yours alone

we weren’t even worth the fight

For something intangible you walked away

I hope someday you find what that is

I thought we were in this together

that our life was what we wanted

Until your attentions lead you down different roads

and you chose to walk away

You left me with a worn and weary heart

and a soul bleeding blood red tears

You left me in silence and I can’t hear you now

I can’t bear the sound of your words

You’ve gone off in search of peace and faith

of freedom and something more

I hope if you find it, you recognize it

I gave you all  of that and so much more