I Had It All

staring at myself in the mirror

hating everything I see

the sober face of shame and regret

the loss of all my dreams

I had it all, everything

and I’ve gone and pissed it away

for what, I can’t even tell you now

words just empty sounds

I feel like there are two of me

the one sitting here and that other one

they are strangers to each other

but stranger still, is me

feeling the complete loss of control

feeling pain I cannot describe

wishing I could simply turn back the clock

knowing all that I cannot change

this aloneness is killing and crumbling me

my skin feels like some sort of cloak

this thing that I have to carry around

to keep all the pain from spilling out

I thought I had this under control

that I was somehow better than this

but I sit in the palm of its outstretched hand

waiting for the fist to clench

I had it all, I had everything

just keeps playing over in my head

and then the shame starts spiraling

I can’t stand the sight of myself

I want to hide away in the dark

but the sun is coming up as I write

I am terrified of being seen

as my face tells all that I’ve done

I had it all, I had everything

I had love and I had trust

in one moment I threw it away

and now I am left with myself

she told me I was amazing

she told me I was strong

I don’t know how she saw in me

what I cannot find in myself

it hurts so badly I feel paralyzed

and so panicked I can’t sit still

I am spinning so savagely from within

and I have nowhere to go

all I want is to feel

some sort of internal peace

yet the silence never stops screaming at me

it’s the only thing I can hear