I Had It All

staring at myself in the mirror

hating everything I see

the sober face of shame and regret

the loss of all my dreams

I had it all, everything

and I’ve gone and pissed it away

for what, I can’t even tell you now

words just empty sounds

I feel like there are two of me

the one sitting here and that other one

they are strangers to each other

but stranger still, is me

feeling the complete loss of control

feeling pain I cannot describe

wishing I could simply turn back the clock

knowing all that I cannot change

this aloneness is killing and crumbling me

my skin feels like some sort of cloak

this thing that I have to carry around

to keep all the pain from spilling out

I thought I had this under control

that I was somehow better than this

but I sit in the palm of its outstretched hand

waiting for the fist to clench

I had it all, I had everything

just keeps playing over in my head

and then the shame starts spiraling

I can’t stand the sight of myself

I want to hide away in the dark

but the sun is coming up as I write

I am terrified of being seen

as my face tells all that I’ve done

I had it all, I had everything

I had love and I had trust

in one moment I threw it away

and now I am left with myself

she told me I was amazing

she told me I was strong

I don’t know how she saw in me

what I cannot find in myself

it hurts so badly I feel paralyzed

and so panicked I can’t sit still

I am spinning so savagely from within

and I have nowhere to go

all I want is to feel

some sort of internal peace

yet the silence never stops screaming at me

it’s the only thing I can hear

Vision

Silent

not so much as a whisper 

passing your lips

You simply stood 

watching me

from the shadowed hall

You held my dog

my best friend 

of seventeen years

She hated anyone

who came near me

as they took me from her

But she seemed to know you

to love you

to be content in your arms

Your shadow glowed

a beacon bringing light

into a darkened room

The Gypsy opened the door

and brought you here

my heart is raw at the thought

My eyes are blurry

tear filled visions

are guiding me down this path

Is this supposed 

to be an ending

a place to say goodbye?

Them

For two nights in a row

I have seen you watching me

Standing in a darkened hall

a few short yards away

The first night it startled me

as I peered into the darkness

I raised my hand and reached out

but you simply disappeared

Last night as the band

fed energy into the room

The time came for the clock to strike

and the past to become a beginning

The bells tolled and the room filled

with hugs and the repeating of happy

Happy new, happy start,

as tomorrow became today

Amidst hugs and expressions of love

pairs became joined as one

Music guiding the unions

motion growing from the still

He reached out to ‘him’

in the grasp of her arms

She held ‘her’ close

in the warmth of him

There was a pause in time

and for a moment I felt you

I felt the life

I felt the breath you no longer breathe

The sound of the room funneled

through my ears and into me

A vacuum created

inhaling all that has slipped away

I remembered everything for a moment

I felt everything again

This one is ours, was whispered

let’s dance this one for them…

Rarely in life do we know, when we meet someone, the role they will play in our lives. Sometimes, there are brief moments, flashes, things that stay with you only for a time and sometimes we know souls for a lifetime. Last night I rang in the new year with old and new friends, some of whom have changed my life and some of whom I think will.

  This piece describes a moment shared between two people who are grieving the loss of their loves and in this moment, however brief, they were all there together. In that moment they could touch the past and fondly remember as the hope and possibility of the future came with the arrival of the new year. 

This was a moment that brought healing.  ~ ~ ~

tweakers refrain

tweakers outside the wal~mart

sucking on cigarette butts

dirty jeans and fingernails

hoodies draped on heads

faces scabbed and scarred

remaining teeth stained

ghostly hollow frames

evidence of life in decay

standing out there on Sunday afternoon

nothing else to do

watching life as it passes

no expressions on their face

asking for change, for another smoke

anything anyone can spare

no shame, no inhibition

weakened waste laid bare

with a twinge I pass the collective

of character actors in this scene

I’ve come so far I’ve almost forgotten

that lives still end up like this

change of scenery, location

pinpoints on a map

souls are lost everywhere

it doesn’t matter where you land

closing the car door

I catch the scent of the cigarette’s smoke

and remember when that was my breath

smoking them end to end

when the line cut with a sharpened blade

sucked up through a straw

was the only thing that entered my soul

there, but for grace, did I go~

 

Mourning Rhyme

I try to steer away from rhyme when I write, in fact I will intentionally throw a word into a line and throw off the rhythm just to avoid it. I write with a very definite rhythm though, a pace, almost musical and I can't deny that. So this morning, while mourning, I just let all the rhymes do their thing and they got busy for this one.

I know you wish for me to disappear

but I am still here

stained in the ink

of that tiny wink

in the time that it took

and the single exhale of the last look

it was destined somehow to be

that you and me

would simply pass on the way

be tossed away

on the side of some dusty road

you have been lightened of this load

but I still carry with me

in a knapsack so no one sees

the words that you said

so many times as I bled

the sound of your voice

I cannot drown out the noise

it creeps up my spine

and I am hopelessly entwined

in a memory of nothing

or was it something

you would only commit to no

but those words still echo

the truth that rang out

in those 12 hours of doubt

when you said is it real?

when you said, I feel

but gone and distant

those words now haunt

the site of the wound stings

and the pain that it consistently brings

the damage done to my heart

the resulting works of art

the cost of bearing it all

when the result is just to fall

at the feet of mistakes made

in the eye of the devil jade

the jealous contempt of loss

and the inability to toss

this all into the raging sea

it has simply become a part of me~