Today I Simply Pray

I never knew how to pray

to surrender to what I cannot explain

I believed that I was the only one

who could dictate the way of my path

I never understood faith

a concept my mind could not bend

I couldn’t make it fit in the boxes

that I compartmentalize in my head

I was always the one to blame

when I wrote the storyline

And in being the villain I glorified

the right to ease my pain

I hid away in the darkened corners

and drowned in a bottle of numb

Slowly dying from this self-imposed exile

yet crying that I was alone

For years, for nearly a lifetime

I was simply waiting to die

But I think the reality was

I couldn’t even commit to that

I’d walk, even run, then trip and fall

but the circle always spun back

To the place where I would stare at myself

and not recognized my own face

The staggering, stumbling, screaming

the nonsense of drunken slurs

And then the inevitable regret and remorse

as the circle spun again

The inexorable end of this fabled tale

illuminated by grace

In the light of mercy and love

I turned to find a blank page

The morning is awake with sounds of hope

as the world around me springs to life

With open eyes I am humbled

I can see the gift of this day

The sun will rise and then set again

regardless of my taking note

For a lifetime I have taken for granted

and wished every minute away

Today I feel awake

today I feel alive

Today I want to feel the sun

warm the surface of my skin

I want to let hope wash over me

and fill me from within

To let light in through the cracks in the surface

where darkness has always been