Forbidden Thoughts

 

 

Digging through some old notebooks today...and some old memories.

 

this is a wonderful memory to revisit.

 

~Adult content~

 

 

 

I have lost myself completely in the radiant glow of your skin.

My mind is drawn to the line where the luxurious golden brown

drifts slowly into a paler shade, the lighter color gently highlighting

the places which are forbidden.

I can’t restrain my hand from wandering hungrily over the curves of your body

and as your head falls back, eyes half closed, mouth half open,

I am forced to continue my quest.

I lean forward to kiss you, slowly at first, barely touching your lips

and as you open yourself to me I begin to explore you with my tongue.

Slowly, and for what seems like days, our mouths envelope one another

speaking all of the words that have never been said.

Hours pass and I begin to venture further,

down your neck and over the gentle lines of your body.

My lips cover every inch of you, every corner, every hidden part of you

until I can describe to you what you taste like from the inside out.

For a moment I sit back to look at you, breathless and terrified,

but as you look back into my eyes all hesitation leaves me

and the adventure continues forth.

I run my hand slowly down the tender length of your thigh,

caressing, exploring, feeling.

Around the soft curve of your calf, coming to rest on your ankle

and ever so slowly I lift your leg until it comes to rest on my shoulder.

Open and exposed to me, you invite me into you,

and with exquisite caution and care, I enter into places

I have only gone in my dreams.

With tender and practiced precision,

I eagerly trace my fingers over the delicate folds of your skin.

I listen with anticipation for the changes in your breathing,

signaling me to the places where your desires will unfold.

As the pace of your inhaling and exhaling begins to steadily increase,

so does my excitement.

I place my lips tenderly upon you and part them to allow my tongue

to venture into your body’s depths.

The fragrance and taste of you are overwhelming, and for a brief moment,

I lose my balance and almost forget where I am.

Quickly, I regain my composure, as I realize that this is

the only place I have ever wanted to be.

I continue to hungrily devour the delicacy of you

and at the same time enter you with my hand.

Deep within you I am feeling for, and reaching for,

and calling forth all of your desire.

I have found the place where you can feel me,

where you have allowed me to come inside of you.

Slowly and steadily I feed your need,

your ache, your want.

I call up from the depths of you everything you have ever wished for,

and continue on until you are begging and screaming.

As your nails are digging into my skin,

and the tears are streaming down your face,

I find the place where you will succumb.

Over, and over, and over,

you find your resolution.

In wave after wave of unbelievable release

you beg and scream and cry again.

Moments pass, but time has stood still

as you have given me everything that you have.

With open arms I cradle you in safety

until your breathing resumes it pace.

I stroke your face and kiss you softly,

and you fall into a quiet slumber, exhausted, by my side.

 

As I open my eyes, I return to the reality

that these are simply thoughts…

Simply dreams…

Simply forbidden…

 

 



Voices ~ reasons to bleed

the words that go unspoken

are the ones to fear the most.

I know this intimately

because they are all I hear.

the tears that fall in the darkness

the ones no one ever sees.

are the rivers that become a raging flood

the one that is drowning me.

the sheer terror that I cannot name

that I am numbing all over again.

is savagely clawing its way

up from where it lay.

it had all been silenced long ago

gone to a place I never knew.

and quietly I went about my day

no words on my tongue.

slowly I began to speak

in a whisper, voice so small.

and in the passing of days

that voice grew bold and loud.

it’s texture and tone have changed

and I’m not sure it sounds like me.

at least not the me, that I knew

I’m not sure who this is.

but I want to silence her again

she is becoming all that I am.

a raging voice, tormented

with far too much to say.

in anyone else this would startle

alarm me as a big red flag.

but in me this is the par for this course

up and then down again.

I work this circle like it has corners

places in which to pause.

rebuild, tear down, break apart

then put it all back together again.

still each time it feels different

and in that, this is just like the rest.

only the voices are louder, the pain more aching

the intensity,  more intense.

I know it doesn’t seem possible

to go any deeper than this.

but I took a respite with faces who knew me

and now I am back here again.

in this invisible world that I chose

this martyrdom of sorts.

paying a self-imposed penance

for always having been to blame.

splayed and exposed as always

just wishing to be seen.

yet making sure that I never am

gives me all of these reasons to bleed.

 

Careless Disregard

I’ve taken to starving my spirit

and my soul again.

taken to denying myself

a breath of life.

with a lack of giving

or any sort of understanding.

I’ve taken to placing all

of the blame on me.

I’m holding myself up against

some measure of reality.

that no one in real life

could ever live up to.

then tearing myself apart

for not meeting the bar.

that hurdle became a high jump

so long ago.

I hold grudges and make judgments

and place all levels of blame.

from where I hold court

in front of this mirrored glass.

reflections distorted

a twisted, wicked gaze.

the face that I see

is too much the way that I feel.

what is it that I expect

myself to do?

some trick, some masterful twist

some bending of light.

to change the way that I see

things from the outside looking in.

from the inside looking out

it’s a different sight.

from here I see things

with fear and disillusion.

not what I’m not

more what I think I can never be.

from the outside it is

what I should have become.

from the inside this self-doubt

is killing me.

blinding like a pain

that cannot be escaped.

raging like a war

that cannot be won.

I would never treat anyone

with such careless disregard.

why is it that this

is all that I give myself?

 

 

Unsettled

 

I’ve been sitting here for hours

in the quiet evening

trying to still the chaos.

trying to calm

what feels like

scribbled ink on a page.

it feels like

I’ve dropped a box

of marbles onto the floor.

or like a top

that has spun off its axis

and has wildly gone astray.

busy and racing

and agitated

inner turmoil reigns.

from the outside

you would never know

I keep it all contained.

I feel like

submerging myself

into a deep pool.

letting the water

calm and cool

wrap itself around me.

the touch of you

your hands on me

would soothe me just as well.

but your hands

fell onto someone else

their absence leaves me cold.

the racing, the pacing

back and forth

across the worn out floor.

my footsteps

have formed a groove

that I simply follow now.

I don’t even have to look

as I pace the length

of this tiny room.

I know it now by heart

know the number

of steps that it takes.

I count them

one by one

and breath by even breath.

wishing and hoping the rhythm

would somehow soothe

this shaking soul.

ragged, jagged

I choke on it

as it moves in and out of me.

never quite fast enough

that I don’t

have to gasp for air.

it’s panic, really

I’m sure that’s the name

to call it.

attacks of this nature

are random

and generally strike at will.

pacing again

can’t sit still

can’t calm the thoughts inside.

my thoughts resemble

a traffic jam

at a dead stop, blowing a horn.

I can’t escape this mess

this inherent makeup

of my mind.

chaos burning

edges frayed

frazzled from inside.

 

 

 

Listen to this poem on Sound Cloud

 

https://soundcloud.com/andreathepoet/unsettled

 

 



A Ride Cut Short

downtown

at sunset

on an unseasonably warm

summer’s night

perched high atop

the wheel

a rainbow of lights

illuminates

 

 

 

 

the clouds

are rather daunting

rolling in

at breakneck speed

shifting the feel

and the tone of the air

 

 

 

 

in distance

a flash~

a crack~

lightning strike

and thunder clap~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think

this ride

is over

 

 

FOR D'VERSE POETS 

MTB 55 WORDS