Swimming

Days and weeks have passed endlessly

into more than I could take.

More pain, more loss, more emptiness,

more than I know how to transcend.

So I crawled into a bottle

where I thought I could go to hide.

But glass is transparent like a fishbowl

and everything can still be seen.

Trying to disappear, to fall away from this place

it’s all I’ve ever known how to do.

We all follow patterns that define us

it’s inherently who we are.

Yesterday I came to the end of a road

the end of feeling this much pain.

Today will be the first day

that I try to be something new.

I’m floundering, falling, lost and alone

but it can’t get much worse than this.

With scars and sickness and drenched in fear

I will try to take that step.

I will fall, I’m sure, and trip and fail

but I’m going to try again.

It feels like a last chance, or I’ll never survive

it feels like it’s time to give in.

To surrender to all that I cannot change

to accept all that I do not want.

To forgive all this hurt and just walk away

and try to learn how to do this alone.