*Written for dversepoets.com Poetics: 1999*
To the question where was I in 1999?
I was turning 30 years old.
I was living what barely passes for life
and I was hanging by a thread.
I had spent the better part of the past 10 years
putting poison up my nose.
Masking weakness and defeat with manufactured strength
and trying to slowly leave this world.
In the beginning it was amazing
this unbelievable explosion of life!
Excitement, passion, a zest for everything
all the things I had never had.
It was something like falling in love
in the honeymoon phase of things.
Where everything is out of your wildest dreams
yet you never get that back again.
Quickly it begins to turn on you
to take you from within.
No matter how fiercely you chase that feeling
the need is all you can feel.
It begins to take you slowly
first your heart and then your soul.
Eating away at your body and mind
leaving no part of you whole.
I was hollow and empty, a shell of myself
a ghost with visible scars.
Walking around in a deepening haze
bleeding just to feel alive.
On my 30th birthday I woke up
the year 1999.
I decided that day that I was finished
and wanted to take back my own life.
I exposed all my secrets to someone
to whom I could tell the truth.
I wanted to be held accountable
by virtue of being known.
The easiest way to walk away from life
is by hiding in the dark.
The process is slow and people forget
to keep looking for you when you are lost.
13 years later, I’ve found myself
in place of challenge again.
Life has dealt me a rotten blow
and I am forced to draw all of my strength.
I have delved into the depths before
I have crawled and scratched and screamed.
I will come out of this victorious again
I know how much I can achieve.