As the reality of this settles in
the seams are beginning to tear.
I am coming undone and my insides
are falling out everywhere.
I blew the sobriety 2 years earned
and drank for 2 weeks straight.
Now today is day three of beginning again
and it feels like I’m back at square one.
For two nights now as I’ve sat here at home
the flow of these tears won’t cease.
Tonight I cried at the gym, at the store,
the reality tearing into me.
This is what I have now
you are never coming back.
I know this in my mind
but my heart just cannot accept.
I talk out loud to myself through the day
as the thoughts of you creep in.
“It doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter”
I say it over and over again.
Wants and needs don’t matter
for the one who didn’t choose.
You got what you wanted and I got this
and that just doesn’t matter to you.