It doesn't matter

As the reality of this settles in

the seams are beginning to tear.

I am coming undone and my insides

are falling out everywhere.

I blew the sobriety 2 years earned

and drank for 2 weeks straight.

Now today is day three of beginning again

and it feels like I’m back at square one.

For two nights now as I’ve sat here at home

the flow of these tears won’t cease.

Tonight I cried at the gym, at the store,

the reality tearing into me.

This is what I have now

you are never coming back.

I know this in my mind

but my heart just cannot accept.

I talk out loud to myself through the day

as the thoughts of you creep in.

“It doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter”

I say it over and over again.

Wants and needs don’t matter

for the one who didn’t choose.

You got what you wanted and I got this

and that just doesn’t matter to you.