penance

there continues to be consequences

for feeling things like this.

for crossing lines and boundaries

that you know are wrong.

there continues to be pain

that sweeps across your heart like a brush.

leaving simple stains in textured strokes

that will dry and crack with time.

there is karma and there is penance

yet it is only you who pays.

never ending and repeatedly

will these days ever end?
there is the realization

hard and cold, visceral in tone.

coming from the center of you

and threatening to tear you apart.

there is all of the knowledge

gained and gleaned now lined up on a shelf.

the desire to throw it all to the floor

is one that overwhelms.

savage and raw is the ache

amplified by ‘you should have known’

should have known that this was the reality

this is always how it ends.

you’re a fucking dreamer to the core

and you know what will come to pass.

it is endless repetition

of the same words over again.

what do you think will change?

that your dreams will come true?

after all this time you must have learned

that dreams are not for you.

you facilitate safety and comfort

let the broken come in to heal.

feed them, nurture them, make them strong

and watch them fly away.

this is what you do and who you are

but this is all that you can have.

don’t forget, don’t lose your way

the confusion can cloud your eyes.

make you see things that you wish were there

instead of what truly is.

make you believe that one of these days

you would be allowed to dream.

dream if you want but remember

that shit won’t come true

so do your penance on bended knee

and maybe this time you’ll learn.

Passing the Time

What beauty lies within

the tattered strands of the truth.

When honesty stripped the safety raw

and left you bare and exposed.

What honor lies in dignity

and in coming forth with grace.

When tripping and falling along the way

keeps you staggering back again.

What will you do now with the words

that have fallen from your lips.

You’ve been feeding off the taste and texture

and savoring them for some time.

Will you starve to death at the loss

of the comfort of that taste.

Will you seek out something altogether

new and quite unknown.

Or fall back on the comfort

of what has always been.

The steady, the grating, repetitive

safety of well-worn shoes.

The unshaking ground on which

you have mastered how to stand.

You might just leap onto

the next breeze that blows past you.

Let it dance upon your skin

and tickle you ‘til you smile.

It’s all just really passing time

until the pain recedes.

Until the breath resumes its pace

and feeling has returned.

 

Perhaps I've Been Dreaming

This morning I awoke

with eyes that could not see.

Swollen tight

from the tears that escaped last night.

Pillow drenched

head full of clouds.

Ears buzzing

as I recount the words we said.

I am naked in this morning light

nothing to stand behind.

And the cool morning air

almost burns my skin.

There is something in the truth

that leaves you breathless.

And for the last several hours

I’ve been unable to catch mine.

Pulse racing, sweat glistening

 just breathe this in and out.

Hands shaking, lips cracked

 a quiet sense of numb.

Everything feels as if it’s changed

the sounds, the smells, the look of this room.

I cannot tell if I am even sitting here

I feel like I am watching myself from above.

Today there is no grace

for the tired and weary.

For the raw, the bleeding

the shaken, or the changed.

There is no crawling back

under the covers to hide.

To awaken again

to find this was all a dream.

 

 

 

Clouded Daydream

So, one more write to the music of Helios.

This was to "Halving The Compass"

 

 

http://youtu.be/Yj55nG2tkKw

 

 

my fingertips burn

as they hunger for her

my heart feels an ache

that cannot bear a name

my pulse and breath come fast

as I hear her voice again

my mind cannot resist

thoughts I should not think

something in this

something in me

something must be done

so walk away into silence

and let the moment pass

a spark, a flash, a shooting star

can’t help but light the night

and change the tone of darkness

to never be the same

but sometimes it is just not meant

to be held in the palm of your hand

to be felt from the inside out

you may never touch within

so let your heart be dazzled

but know the simple truth

that through only one eye can you really see

though that eye sees all it needs

blink that eye with regular

sweeping movements to keep it clear

don’t let the dazzling, flickering light

make you dizzy again

open them both, stop dreaming away

the reality of now

look ever so gently and listen

for all that you can see and hear



Weigthless

Challenging myself to write differently, this was written while listening to

"Bless This Morning Year" by Helios.

Beautiful music.

 

http://youtu.be/YAZIdqfHgMw

 

 

 

 

and within this I am growing

changing size and shape

I am floating I am weightless

and I am filled with a gentle joy

I can feel clouds, feel the breeze

cool and calm as it kisses my skin

I am awed by the beauty by the wonder

and I let it flow over me

awed by the fascination I feel

awed as I simply breathe

there is nothing lost in this quiet

nor in this moment in time

when in a pause I turn and see you there

awaiting my return

I am urged forever forward

with a pull that has no name

there is something calling out to me

a familiar soothing voice

mesmerizing, taking me

back from where I came

back to something forgotten

to something left behind

to reclaim the missing pieces

and once again be whole

in the soft caress of this silver sound

of a building gentle pulse

my heart takes hold of itself again

and breathes me back to life

 

 

 

 

Lightning Bugs

What I found today

was a handful of unused things.

Patience and focus, a center

an eerie sense of calm.

I found thoughts that were clearer

the stuttering gone.

I found me

in a quiet resolve.

I get distracted quite easily

taken with shiny things.

Things that shimmer, things that shine

things that light up the night.

Lightning bugs, fireflies,

well I guess they are the same thing.

Magical little creatures

that make me endlessly smile.

They catch my attention, catch my gaze

and I lose all track of time.

Wondering and not understanding

what it is that makes them shine.

The desire to touch and feel them

and place them in a jar.

Where I can study them and try to find

the cause of that damn spark.

But trapped in a jar the light would go out

the shimmer would quickly fade.

And I would have a hollow shell

where beauty used to be.

So I keep my eyes forward

stealing glances instead of a stare.

Let the magic be something I learn to walk past

yet always know where to find.

 

 

 

 

Silent/Listen

I feel silence settling upon me

the pressure of it pressing down.

It feels more like a command

than a choice that I have made.

I feel like I am being told to listen

that this is now the time to hear.

I feel like speaking will shatter

the clarity with which I seem to understand.

The steps are lining up

before me in a row.

There seem to be more of them

adding up.

Challenges, hurdles,

walls that I must climb.

Lessons to learn and

stories I need to hear.

Listen, silent

funny those two words.

Made up of all the same letters

just rearranged.

In the spirit and the context

of shifting the way I see.

I am going to be quieter

and see what comes.

Turn the focus inward

find that strength again.

Build from the core

and let the roots take hold.

Things have become unstable

and balance begun to shift.

The roots once solid

are failing to support the weight.

So listen, I will listen

and eyes will open wide.

Ears that hear

will focus their attention in.

My need to surrender

to someone, everything.

Is a worrisome place

to be standing at this time.

The ache to wrapped

in the folds of safe and tender arms.

Is stronger than my desire

to save myself.

In defiance of that

and in reverence to me.

I will manifest myself

before my eyes.

Feel the strength

as it grows from within.

See the change in the shape

and form of things.