Lost

I seem to want the darkness now

more than I ever did

it’s comforting in a way

that the light could never be

This solitary existence

has become refuge and prison

in a world I cannot understand

and do not feel a part of

I hurt all the time

in a place I cannot name

the place where I knew you

or who you wanted me to see

The truth is really

I didn’t know you at all

and I am torn between wanting to

and simply letting it all go

I let you lead me into it blindly

 because I wanted to believe

I wanted you to be real

even though somehow I knew

I pass time now in memories

that only exist of moments

nothing connecting one to the next

or me to you

You are gone without word

only the gaping silence

no answer, no reply

only word after word not returned

I am wrapped up and torn

from the desire to understand

you had to have intended

something more than this

The fact that that may not be true

is simply too much

that maybe I was simply

a place to pass the time

I do and don’t want to know

both with the same fierce need

I do and don’t

and am wavering in between

I spend too much time alone

but it’s the only place

I can’t breathe too well lately

and here I don’t have to explain

My thoughts run wildly

from the past back into now

and I spend too much time

looking back

The loneliness in me is rampant

yet looking in from out there

I doubt that anyone can see

how lost I truly am

Reflecting

Many times in life, we move through experiences with little to no understanding of what is truly happening until it has all come crashing down. Mistakes that we make are only clear long after the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared. What we 'should have, could have, wish we'd done' become a screaming voice in the face of regret. It's always about learning from your mistakes, what you take away from the journey. But what is not to be forgotten is who got hurt and what was broken along the way. This in its simplest form is an apology and a realization all at the same time.

I’m starting to put back together

the puzzling pieces of me.

the parts that fractured again

and fell on the ground at my feet.

I lost myself in your gaze

not literally, you didn’t see me.

for you, it had nothing to do with me

and for me, even less to do with you.

I needed to feel wanted

needed to feel a need.

with practiced precision and measured steps

you have mastered the art of those things.

 I once thought the voice that spoke to me

never spoke to anyone else.

that I was somehow special set apart.

but I think now I see, that is just you

and the way you sound when you sing.

the openness and honesty

again I misunderstood.

leveled at the thought of being trusted

with the words you gave to me.

again it had nothing do with me

but so much to do with you.

for you it’s not about trust at all

but your need to be truly heard.

I thought that I saw you and heard you

and for the most part I honestly did.

but what I interpreted and what you meant

completely missed the mark.

with compassion and empathy you heard me

and reacted to all of the cues.

listening intently

and responding to what you heard.

anyone could have been overwhelmed

by the intensity of me.

with bleeding words and a broken soul

that has never truly been healed.

I wasn’t ready for someone like you

neither one of us knowing when to stop.

where to draw lines in the sand

and how to stay on our own side.

we tip toed around in places

we never should have been.

and both of us now wear scars

that bear each other’s names.

mistakes such as these, errors grave

are never without regret.

my regret lies in the face

that I’ll never get to see.

I wish that I had been less selfish

but it was the first time, you see.

that I let myself want what I wanted

and feel what I believed.

lessons learned, oh so many

throwing caution to the wind.

is something I’ve never done before

and will never do again.

there are reasons for measuring words

reasons that meter exists.

reasons for counting syllables

for searching for language that fits.

I broke the rules, used punctuation

far too freely on the page.

it changed the way the story read

poetic license stolen away.

I think at the very core

of who each one of us is.

we felt the exact same emotions

but we called them by different names.

I don’t doubt that we heard each other

or that we saw each other’s souls.

again like any interpretive perception

everything is relative.

we both needed to be needed

both needed to be heard.

and in that we heard each other so loud

screaming out in pain.

empathetic bumbling

good intentions misconstrued.

paved the road to where we are now

forever gone astray.

 

 

 

A Ghost In The Dark

the walls are feeling closer

pressing on me again.

the light outside the window

is causing my skin to burn.

I’m liking the dark much more these days

not hiding, just refuge found.

falling into restless sleep

and dreaming away my time.

I wake up on the couch now

day after day after day.

can’t take myself down that lonesome hall

I miss the comfort of my bed.

nothing is right, unsettled at best

the one true signal for change.

I’ve said it before and feel it again

I am sick and tired of this.

I want something static even just for awhile

long enough for me to catch my breath.

it seems I’ve been running endlessly now

I can’t seem to make any of it fit.

the pieces are jagged, sharp at the edge

I keep cutting my hands on them.

trying to put myself back together

I truly don’t know where to begin.

on a recent trip back in time

to the place I once called home.

I slept the sleep of an innocent child

for six nights in a row.

this hasn’t happened in years for me

I’m a ghost haunting my own nights.

holding candlelit vigils

waiting for some dreamt of return.

I don’t even know what I’ve lost now

I’ve felt undone for so long.

unhinged, unbalanced, swinging wildly

like a broken door in the wind.

Where?

Where?

Is there some place, some realm or frame of time

that is slightly shadowed in grey?

Is there a word or phrase that I can use

to express that I am lost?

Is there a space within your vision, something you can see

that could silently help you understand?

 Is there a question I can ask of you

that would make me feel at peace?

From one place to another

somewhere between here and there,

I am supposed to know

from whom and to who I’ve become.

In words never spoken and voices unheard

with ears that cannot translate the sound,

I am supposed to engage conversation

when it feels like I’m speaking in tongues.

Do you know me know? I surely don’t

and I’m trying to dig my way in,

In pages left unwritten and songs still unsung

a whisper the only sound that I hear.

Need

Looking for my voice again.....

I need you to want me

to feel the heat of you against my skin.

I need those moments where in anticipation

I can hardly breathe.

I need the seconds, I need the hours,

I need the days where I need nothing but you.

I need to feel the distance

of only air between us.

I need to see that sparkle

that tiny blue twinkle in your eye.

I need that sweet simple smile

that you only ever had for me.

I need the walls that are growing up around me

to crumble as you tear them down.

  I need anger and fear to become

words that I no longer know.

I need to slice through the scars

that are suffocating my heart.

I need to crawl and claw my way back

to the place from which I’ve run.

I need to find peace, I need to find comfort,

I need to find safety and warmth.

I need to remember you and

you need to remember me.