Reflecting

Many times in life, we move through experiences with little to no understanding of what is truly happening until it has all come crashing down. Mistakes that we make are only clear long after the dust has settled and the smoke has cleared. What we 'should have, could have, wish we'd done' become a screaming voice in the face of regret. It's always about learning from your mistakes, what you take away from the journey. But what is not to be forgotten is who got hurt and what was broken along the way. This in its simplest form is an apology and a realization all at the same time.

I’m starting to put back together

the puzzling pieces of me.

the parts that fractured again

and fell on the ground at my feet.

I lost myself in your gaze

not literally, you didn’t see me.

for you, it had nothing to do with me

and for me, even less to do with you.

I needed to feel wanted

needed to feel a need.

with practiced precision and measured steps

you have mastered the art of those things.

 I once thought the voice that spoke to me

never spoke to anyone else.

that I was somehow special set apart.

but I think now I see, that is just you

and the way you sound when you sing.

the openness and honesty

again I misunderstood.

leveled at the thought of being trusted

with the words you gave to me.

again it had nothing do with me

but so much to do with you.

for you it’s not about trust at all

but your need to be truly heard.

I thought that I saw you and heard you

and for the most part I honestly did.

but what I interpreted and what you meant

completely missed the mark.

with compassion and empathy you heard me

and reacted to all of the cues.

listening intently

and responding to what you heard.

anyone could have been overwhelmed

by the intensity of me.

with bleeding words and a broken soul

that has never truly been healed.

I wasn’t ready for someone like you

neither one of us knowing when to stop.

where to draw lines in the sand

and how to stay on our own side.

we tip toed around in places

we never should have been.

and both of us now wear scars

that bear each other’s names.

mistakes such as these, errors grave

are never without regret.

my regret lies in the face

that I’ll never get to see.

I wish that I had been less selfish

but it was the first time, you see.

that I let myself want what I wanted

and feel what I believed.

lessons learned, oh so many

throwing caution to the wind.

is something I’ve never done before

and will never do again.

there are reasons for measuring words

reasons that meter exists.

reasons for counting syllables

for searching for language that fits.

I broke the rules, used punctuation

far too freely on the page.

it changed the way the story read

poetic license stolen away.

I think at the very core

of who each one of us is.

we felt the exact same emotions

but we called them by different names.

I don’t doubt that we heard each other

or that we saw each other’s souls.

again like any interpretive perception

everything is relative.

we both needed to be needed

both needed to be heard.

and in that we heard each other so loud

screaming out in pain.

empathetic bumbling

good intentions misconstrued.

paved the road to where we are now

forever gone astray.

 

 

 

sparkle fades

awakening from afternoon dreams

sweaty, shaken, rattled.

it’s those same dreams I always have

the ones that remind me of home,

the funny thing now is I am home

and they seemed even more real this time.

the chasing, the taunting, the shadowed eyes

and me running, running away.

 I miss you today, my distant one

I know you have gone for good.

gone from the space that you filled in my heart

gone with the safety you brought.

I feel your distance painfully

I feel all the mistakes that I made.

on afternoons such as this, in moments like these

I just want to hear your voice.

I felt safe when I left my words in your ears

when I left on them pages you read.

I believed that you cradled them in the crook of your arm

where they could safely fall asleep.

I miss you with a tender, bittersweet sting

that pierces that empty hole.

in my heart, where you touched me so softly

and then you went away.

with sweetness I think of you now

I do hope your smile shines.

you made me feel like I could

and I did for a while through your eyes.

you always sparkled in mine

perhaps just a little too bright.

so that now that you’re gone, in this darkness

the contrast is just too profound.