Lost

I seem to want the darkness now

more than I ever did

it’s comforting in a way

that the light could never be

This solitary existence

has become refuge and prison

in a world I cannot understand

and do not feel a part of

I hurt all the time

in a place I cannot name

the place where I knew you

or who you wanted me to see

The truth is really

I didn’t know you at all

and I am torn between wanting to

and simply letting it all go

I let you lead me into it blindly

 because I wanted to believe

I wanted you to be real

even though somehow I knew

I pass time now in memories

that only exist of moments

nothing connecting one to the next

or me to you

You are gone without word

only the gaping silence

no answer, no reply

only word after word not returned

I am wrapped up and torn

from the desire to understand

you had to have intended

something more than this

The fact that that may not be true

is simply too much

that maybe I was simply

a place to pass the time

I do and don’t want to know

both with the same fierce need

I do and don’t

and am wavering in between

I spend too much time alone

but it’s the only place

I can’t breathe too well lately

and here I don’t have to explain

My thoughts run wildly

from the past back into now

and I spend too much time

looking back

The loneliness in me is rampant

yet looking in from out there

I doubt that anyone can see

how lost I truly am