As if I believed

There is something inherently lonely,

something in the sound of change.

Something scary and lost and wandering

in the first steps you take on your own.

There is wonder and excitement and freedom

as you step into the new day.

But as night as you lie down alone

there is no one there to share.

To share in what you are feeling

in the experiences you have just had.

There is no one there to be proud

or to acknowledge how far you’ve come.

So inward you go and down deep you dig

into some part of you that can carry you forward again.

You reach to your depths as you’ve been doing so long

and you fear that at some point there will be nothing left.

Lie awake for hours and hours at a time

thinking that sleep is something you’ll never do again.

Go through all of it from start to finish to start

thinking that someday some part of it will make sense.

How did it get from there to here

without my ever having a choice at what was done?

My entire life changed in an instant

and I still am just trying to survive.

Things that are happening now are just things that fell into place

not my choice just self-preserving things.

I am moving through this experience detached and feeling nothing

just focusing on trying to rebuild a life.

Maybe someday feeling will return to me again

and where I am is where I will want to be.

Until that day I am acting as if this is what I want

until it something that I actually believe.