There is something inherently lonely,
something in the sound of change.
Something scary and lost and wandering
in the first steps you take on your own.
There is wonder and excitement and freedom
as you step into the new day.
But as night as you lie down alone
there is no one there to share.
To share in what you are feeling
in the experiences you have just had.
There is no one there to be proud
or to acknowledge how far you’ve come.
So inward you go and down deep you dig
into some part of you that can carry you forward again.
You reach to your depths as you’ve been doing so long
and you fear that at some point there will be nothing left.
Lie awake for hours and hours at a time
thinking that sleep is something you’ll never do again.
Go through all of it from start to finish to start
thinking that someday some part of it will make sense.
How did it get from there to here
without my ever having a choice at what was done?
My entire life changed in an instant
and I still am just trying to survive.
Things that are happening now are just things that fell into place
not my choice just self-preserving things.
I am moving through this experience detached and feeling nothing
just focusing on trying to rebuild a life.
Maybe someday feeling will return to me again
and where I am is where I will want to be.
Until that day I am acting as if this is what I want
until it something that I actually believe.